Why marriage is a test

Steven Mintz, Ph. D. and professor of history at the University of Texas at Austin, talks about the changes people are making after marriage. In his opinion, a significant reason for unsuccessful marriages is the fundamental contradictions that are characteristic of marriage as a social institution.

The changes that happen to people after marriage are not just about psychology. In modern society, all couples are faced with contradictions of various kinds, which not everyone can resolve.

The contradiction between family responsibilities and the need for self-realization

In the 19th century and much of the 20th century, women had to sacrifice their individuality for the sake of the family. And even today, the expectation that it is a woman who should fulfill the role of the keeper of the hearth and be responsible for maintaining a happy marriage has not disappeared anywhere. When this tension becomes too strong, spouses often choose to seek happiness and fulfillment for themselves, rather than sacrificing their desires to please the other person.

The controversy between the romantic and economic sides of marriage

Another contradiction is the conflict between marital intimacy (physical, emotional and sexual) and the socioeconomic dimension of marriage.

We usually talk about marriage as an emotional bond between people. But it is also an economic union that allows two adults to achieve their desired lifestyle.

The couple pool incomes, provide livelihoods for the family, and create a safe environment in which to raise children. Therefore, it is not unusual for a marriage to disintegrate when the cost of living with a person begins to exceed the contribution they make.

The contradiction between expectations and reality

Marriage is an inevitable collision with real life. After the wedding, people enter into such close relationships that they did not know before. Therefore, marriage inevitably becomes an arena of conflict and power struggles.

Romantic concepts like unity of souls and eternal love are quickly forgotten amid the domestic quarrels and disputes that permeate married life.

Conflicts will surely arise in relationships where decisions need to be made about finances, sex, parenting, and other important issues.

Lack of support

In our time, expectations from marriage are increasing, but the supports that in the past helped to cope with difficulties in marriage are disappearing from people's lives. Previously, many relatives and friends lived in close geographic proximity. Nowadays it is rather rare.

Marriages have become much more emotionally constrained. Often people begin to feel lonely, all the time communicating only with their partner, and during conflicts they do not know who to turn to for support.

What is modern marriage

In modern marriage, people face a lot of difficulties. Work and the child are in the spotlight, which means that couples spend less and less time together. The expected equality in the distribution of responsibilities is rarely realized in practice, especially after the birth of a child, when many couples share areas of responsibility traditionally: a man earns, a woman brings up a child.

Wealthier families can solve these difficulties with the help of money, but even in this case, new problems arise: you need to hire a good nanny and a housekeeper, and manage staff.

Marriage as an institution adapts to changing circumstances. Initially, the patriarchal relationship in marriage has been replaced by a kind of companionship. Marriage with fixed male and female roles has been replaced by marriage where partners have more flexible functions.

More and more people see marriage as an outdated institution or, at best, a necessary evil. Although most people still see marriage as a symbol of fidelity and freedom from loneliness. After all, if you look at the positive aspects of marriage, the most important thing in it is that a person decides to go through his life path not alone, but with someone with whom he can share his joys, sorrows and memories.

A successful marriage helps each partner grow and develop in several ways.

But marriage is no longer the only way for adults to organize their lives. Today, many people find what marriage can give them in other relationships: living together, a circle of friends, or even in a single life. Marriage today is not a set of strict rules. In order to exist, marriage must satisfy the needs of partners, and in an individualistic world, each person determines his needs independently. Some people strive for equal marriage, others for traditional marriage. Tolstoy, of course, was wrong when he wrote that all happy families are alike.

At the same time, more and more couples are faced with divorce or even decide to limit themselves to a civil marriage. Marriage has become less preordained. And despite this, people continue to marry and put their fantasies, hopes and dreams into this concept.

Samuel Johnson, an English literary critic and poet, called the second marriage a victory of hope over experience. Today his aphorism can be attributed to his first marriage: he has become a riskier undertaking than ever, more complex and fragile.