How did the tradition of changing your last name in marriage come about and why you don't have to do it

I had a beautiful sonorous surname, my husband's is very simple. I didn't want to change anything, but he forced me. We met for a long time, we went through a lot. In the end, I got tired of it all and gave up. Many years have passed, and I still cannot get used to it. I use my maiden name everywhere.

Catherine

I didn't want to, but I changed it, I still can't get used to it. It so happened that the application was submitted without me. And everything was decided without my participation.

Ksyusha

Why such a tradition appeared

Traditions do not arise from scratch. They usually have logical, practical explanations.

In general, the surnames themselves appeared in Russia quite late - around the 13th century. It is believed that they were first documented when listing the inhabitants of Veliky Novgorod who died in the Battle of the Neva. The process of “fortification” continued until the beginning of the 20th century. And if for the nobility the generic name was principled and important, then people more simply did just fine with nicknames, patronymics and other methods of identification.

Most of the current surnames are family nicknames, that is, they showed belonging to a certain genus. Upon marriage, a woman broke away from one community and joined another. It is no coincidence that wedding ceremonies are so similar to funeral ones: a girl “dies” in her family and is reborn in another. Therefore, they washed her in the bathhouse and mourned, and her husband carried her across the threshold in his arms so that the spirit of his house would not think that she was a stranger. The girl there supposedly appears as a baby in childbirth, literally out of nowhere.

There was no fixation on the husband's surname, no one entered it in any document. It's just that all people who belonged to the same family were identified by some nickname. Individual personal data was not so important, because no one assigned you to the clinic, did not issue a visa. Many ignorant men did without surnames, to say nothing of women - they have no reason to do this in conditions of complete lack of rights.

There are other explanations as well. After all, the tradition exists not only in Russia:

Religious. In the Gospel of Matthew it is written: "And he said: therefore a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and the two will be one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh." One surname symbolizes spiritual unity.
Mercantile. Married women could not own property. All their property passed to their husbands. One surname symbolizes legal unity.
Domineering. Since a woman has no rights, where is she without a master? First, this function was performed by the father, then by the husband.

Why it is not necessary to follow this tradition in the 21st century

If earlier the custom had a practical benefit, now it has turned into just a ritual.

The person is important, not his family

Community membership plays a role mainly in corruption schemes. If you have a loud enough name, the traffic police inspector will close his eyes to violations, and the teacher will put "excellent" instead of "bad". Your pedigree is only important when immigrating to Israel and when compiling a family tree.

The family in the generally accepted sense is no longer a genus, but a union of two equal people. Accordingly, the question of surnames depends on how they agree among themselves. The Family Code, as we have already found out, gives them a lot of options.

Last name matters

Not as a generic name, but as your personal identifier. She accompanies you from birth, appears in the documents, helps to understand that we are talking about you. Changing your surname can easily throw up problems and reset your status in certain circles. For example, everyone can know the tough specialist Maria Igorevna Ivanova and talk about her on the sidelines. Masha Petrova will have to make a lot of efforts to become Maria Igorevna again. It can take up to a year to build a personal brand after changing your last name.

And here is what foreign studies say. When a woman adopts her partner's last name, she is perceived as more caring and emotional, but less intelligent and competent than the one who left hers. Upon employment, she will be offered an average of 861, 21 euros less per month.

This is not supposed to be done "by nature"

If you can still argue about gender assignment (but not necessary), then surnames are obviously a social construct. Moreover, somewhere it is generally not accepted for a woman to change her. Do without it in Spanish-speaking countries, Italy, Korea, China. And in England, where the tradition is no less strong than in Russia, even in the Middle Ages, men happily took the names of their wives if they were from richer and more prestigious families.

Nobody belongs to anyone

A common argument: a man takes responsibility for a woman, so she should take his last name. But again, this is just a ritual, and a very patriarchal one. You can take responsibility for someone who is not fully capable, for example, for a child, as it is required by law. A woman is a full member of society.

Marriages with the same last name are not stronger

There is no evidence to support this. Otherwise, in a country where it is traditionally customary to change the surname, there would not be 528 thousand divorces per 917 thousand marriages a year. It seems that the secret of happiness is in something else.

Partnership marriages turn out to be much stronger. For example, divorces are less likely to occur in couples where household chores are equally divided.

By the way, if a man continues to think that a family should have one surname, why is it necessarily his surname? The law, as we have already found out, presupposes options.

For women, marriage is not more profitable than for men

Another common argument: a man does not need marriage, for him it is a compromise. So you, too, will make concessions and change your surname.

However, research shows that women without husbands and children live longer and feel happier than their ringed counterparts. At the same time, married men not only live longer and feel better, but also fight serious illnesses more successfully - apparently thanks to the care of their spouses.

Other pluses, in fact, also turn out to be dubious:

Alimony? On average, they amount to 7, 5 thousand rubles. It would have been possible to show off this amount with a child unless in 1970.
Property division? In any case, premarital property remains with each of the spouses. Shares what is acquired in marriage, in this one way or another, both have invested resources.

How to talk about changing your last name

Nobody is obliged to change the surname. But if people in a couple are determined to take such a step, then this can be an excellent solution. As well as do without changing your passport. To avoid unnecessary hassle, it is worth clarifying this point.

In advance

By default, prospective spouses may have different thoughts about this. If this is revealed when filling out the marriage registration application, there may be overreaction from both sides. Therefore, it is better to discuss this issue even before you decide to get married. First, it’s more honest than manipulating a partner by threatening to cancel the ceremony. Secondly, if the question of the last name is really so important to you, you can end the relationship at an early stage and find someone with a similar worldview.

With a cold head

The very move towards a wedding is stressful, even if you are very happy. Emotions overwhelm, and it is not always easy to realize and structure them, even for yourself. And this must be done in order to conduct a constructive dialogue.

Irrational fears often turn out to be formalized into something simple and understandable. You may wonder yourself what really drives you. For example, you are a boyfriend and your fiancee doesn't want to change her last name. You give out the usual (and toxic) arguments: "I want you to belong to me entirely," "I take responsibility for you," "If the names are different, this is not a family." But in reality you are worried: what if she does not take the last name, because she does not love you enough? But love is not proved at all by how much a person is ready to bend under you.

Or are you worried about what people will say. If a wife keeps her last name in marriage, this poses new challenges for her husband. Research shows that people with high levels of hostile sexism respond negatively to gender role violations. And it goes to both spouses. Husbands who "allowed" their wives to leave their last names are perceived as less powerful and dominant. And to resist society, you need stronger eggs than to force the bride to amend the passport data.

But there is good news as well. Traditional ideas about the husband as the head of the family and the need to change the surname are characteristic mainly of rural residents, people with a low level of education and the elderly. So there is a chance that your environment will not judge you.

The situation is similar with girls. If the fears are formalized and spoken, perhaps the situation will cease to frighten and the bride will happily adopt a new surname.

Willingness to compromise

Both sides should want to at least listen and understand each other. If you cannot do this, the problem is not the last name. Both sides deserve respect and consideration for their position. Try not to become implacable enemies who are looking for how to force the opponent to lay down the banners. Summarize all the arguments and together decide who is easier and more painless to give up their claims.

Why do women change their surnames

The good thing about choice is that the decision cannot be wrong. If it is, of course, accepted without pressure, voluntarily. Women decide to take this step for various reasons.

Because I like my husband's surname

Or you don't like your own. You can change passport data without marriage. But marriage is a legal way to do this and not offend your relatives.

She changed her last name in her first marriage, because she did not like the girl's. In my second marriage I did not change: I like the way the current one sounds. Plus, the eldest daughter bears the surname of her father, and the youngest - hers. Therefore, it is very convenient on trips: the eldest daughter and I approach the customs officer, the youngest - with dad. And no one has any questions about whose child.

Olga

My maiden name is one of the four most popular, so I was relieved to change it to a less obvious one.

Pauline

I wanted to get rid of the girl's: she was cumbersome and seemed to be a stranger. The husband didn't care. It’s a dreary thing to change papers, of course, but I’m happy with the result. My husband's surname has become the brand of a family that I did not have as a child, and which we finally succeed.

Helena

Because my husband asked

Not for every woman the issue of changing her surname is so fundamental. Sometimes the desire of the husband is enough.

I changed. Initially, the husband asked about it. His argument: we are a family, a family should have the same surname. It seems to me that there is something in this. At the same time, in all social networks I have a maiden name, and this also does not hover anyone.

Darya

I changed my last name at the insistence of my husband. I liked my girlish no more than I liked him. Therefore, it was not important for me, but for him it was important that I bear his surname. Now in the stage of divorce, but I will not return my surname back. Fussing with documents, and for 23 years already got used to this. Although, when I call friends of my youth, I pretend to be girlish, and many only know me by her.

Marina

Because they follow tradition

It happens that everything goes well and two people with the same worldview enter into marriage. In the end, we all develop in society and many are not inclined to unbend spiritual braces.

I changed it and I'm very happy about it. My own annoyed me: all my life they call me by my last name. My husband and I did not discuss this point, but I think it is important for him. Plus tradition: I did not even admit that it was possible not to do this. I read it myself and think: I didn't even have a choice?

Natalia

Because they can

Yes, this is quite a sufficient argument.

My husband did not insist, but said that he would be pleased if I took his name. I changed with pleasure, the new name is a little new me. And with a local surname it is much easier in Finland: you do not need to explain ten times how it is spelled, and you do not need to indicate two surnames on the door and in the mailbox.

Irina

I changed it, just because I can. The husband didn't care. And I was wondering what it would be like to change something as basic as a surname. So it was more like an experiment.

Nina

Why women don't change their surnames

There are both rational and emotional reasons.

Red tape with documents

The MFC and "Gosuslugi" have significantly simplified the replacement of documents, but you still have to spend a lot of your time (and nerves, we are talking about state institutions) to complete the process. It's always easier to do nothing.

The passport was made before the wedding. Therefore, I did not change my surname. The registration was non-formal, and it was somehow all the same. Then there was a mortgage and a bunch of papers. There was an idea to change the last name on the tenth wedding anniversary, but somehow it was not up to that.

Maria

I left the maiden. The number of papers that need to be changed after changing the last name scares me. The number of organizations to visit, too. And in general, I do not understand why change the surname. This point of the psychology of marriage passed me by. But it is unlikely that I would have married a man who would have demanded to take his last name. For me it would be akin to moral terrorism: even the law allows you to leave yours, but the husband does not?

Maria

Surname recognition

Let's say your passport and driver's license can be changed. But there are still many places where this will not work.

My last name is a brand: three degrees and publications. Moreover, I have a rather rare surname (which is good for the brand), but my husband does not. He didn’t insist. He is Korean, and Korean women do not take their husband's surname.

Ksenia

Established self-identification

The average age at marriage is rising. Over the long years of life before the wedding, a person gets used to his surname, as well as to his name. Some painlessly change both the first and the second. For others, it's like giving up a part of yourself. The consequences can be quite devastating.

My husband really wanted me to take his last name. I thought: is it difficult for me, or what? But it turned out to be difficult. After I agreed, I literally felt sick every day and I understood: I can't. My parents are namesakes. So all my closest relatives have the same surname, and I like it. It was like sawing off a hand - some kind of unjustified sacrifice.

Natalia

The dissonance of the husband's surname

In order not to offend anyone, let's do without examples. But not every surname is a gift of fate.

Not understanding why to do this

If you are satisfied with your surname, but you don’t care about traditions, it’s difficult to explain to yourself why all this is started.

I haven’t changed it and I don’t understand why to do it. Well, except for those cases when you are Urodova, and he is Rumyantsev-Zadunaisky. Or you hate your father and don't want to have anything to do with him. But in both situations, you can change your surname without marriage, and to any one. My arguments: why? My husband does not call me by my last name, so the argument “he is pleased” is bypassed. And fiddling with documents yet.

Oksana

Didn't change. The ex-husband did not return her maiden. And I laughed it off, said: "He will return, then I will change." But in reality, of course, this will not happen. I would take a super pretty surname, but I see no reason to change one usual to another.

Natalia

What to remember

It is not necessary to change the surname - this is what the law says.
If desired, the family can take the surname of the groom, bride or a double one.
It is always easier not to change your surname than to change.
Updating documents and getting used to a new surname is not so difficult if you yourself decide to do so. If the choice is voluntary, it is always good.
In a relationship, it is not the last name that is important, but respect and the ability to hear each other. If you manipulate and give ultimatums to each other even before the wedding, this is not a very good sign.