Why many people are unhappy in marriage, or How not to choose a life partner

Why is it so important

Let's start with the calculation: subtract your age from 90 years. If you live a long life, that is the number of years you will spend with your life partner.

It turns out for many years.

Of course, people can get a divorce, but usually everyone thinks that this will not happen to them. Recent research. showed that 86% of young people believe that their current or future marriage will last a lifetime.

When you choose a life partner, you need to consider that he will become the parent of your unborn child and will have a profound influence on him. With this person you will have dinner 20,000 times, he will accompany you on your travels on 100 vacations, become a friend who shares relaxation and entertainment with you, a home therapist and someone who will tell you about 18,000 times about his day.

Factors that work against us

How is it that so many good, smart, educated and rational people choose partners who do not suit them in all respects?

People don't know what they want from a relationship

When people are not dating anyone, they have little idea of what they want from the relationship. In one study, Paul W. Eastwick, Eli J. Finkel. lovers of quick acquaintances talked about their preferences in relationships, but with a real acquaintance, after a few minutes they refuted their allegations.

This is not surprising: it usually takes experience to succeed in something. But not everyone has time to be in a serious relationship before choosing a life partner. We just don't have enough time.

In addition, the needs of a person in a relationship and the needs of a single person are very different. Therefore, as long as you are not dating anyone, it is quite difficult to understand what you really want from a relationship.

Society gives us terrible advice

Society encourages our lack of education in the matter of relationships and advises to let things go.

If you start a business, society agrees that you will be much more efficient if you study in business school, create a good business plan, and diligently analyze the situation. This is logical, because this is what they do when they want to do something well and, if possible, avoid mistakes.

But if someone goes to school to learn how to choose a life partner and create healthy relationships, draw up an action plan to find a good partner, and record their progress in a special table, this is how others will perceive it:

will consider a person an overly rational, insensitive robot;
will be told that he is too worried about the relationship;
they will call him as strange as Sheldon Cooper (in principle, this is partly included in the first paragraph).

When it comes to relationships, society disapproves of planning and scrutiny. Instead, it is customary to rely on fate, listen to the heart and hope for the best. If society gave such advice to the owner of the business, the poor fellow would surely lose his business. Success in this way can only be achieved through great luck.

Society against a wide range of partner search

In a study of factors Michèle Belot, Marco Francesconi. … influencing our choices, it turned out that the available options are much more important than our preferences. It turned out that a person's choice is 98% dependent on existing proposals and only 2% on his desires.

In other words, people choose from all the options that are available. It doesn't matter how badly they fit.

The obvious takeaway here is that every person looking for a partner should make a lot of online dating, date more often, and use other opportunities to consider as many candidates as possible.

But the good old society does not welcome this, and some people are still embarrassed to say that their communication began on a dating site. A socially approved way to meet a life partner is by chance in your social circle. Fortunately, these social beliefs change over time.

Society urges us on

It is believed that one should get married or get married no earlier than 20 and no later than 35 years. Although it would be worthwhile to establish the rule "Never marry the wrong partner." But society condemns a 37-year-old single person more than a 37-year-old unhappy married person.

This is just silly. After all, a loner is only one step away from a great relationship, while an unhappy married person will first need to go through all the horrors of a breakup, the hassle of divorce and moving, and only then look for a suitable partner.

Nature does us no favors

Human nature was formed tens of thousands of years ago, and it does not take into account the concept of a deep relationship with a life partner for 50 years.

When we see a person and feel even a small echo of desire, our biology goes into “let's do it” mode and attacks us with hormones that make us want even more, fall in love and act.

Our brains can prevent this process if we make a conscious decision not to develop a relationship. But in most cases, when the right decision would be to reject this partner and continue searching, we often follow the lead of our hormones and create an unsuccessful union.

The biological clock is ticking

For women who want to independently give birth to a child from their husbands, there is a real time limit - to find a life partner up to 40 years old. This is a rather sad fact that makes the search even more intense. Although adopting foster children with the right partner can be even better than having your own children from someone who is completely unsuitable for you.

Result

So, we take people who don't know what they really want from a relationship, we put them in a society that advises not to think, not to look too hard, and at the same time to rush, and we combine this with hormones that are trying with might and main to get us to do children with the first partner they come across. And what do we get as a result?

Lots of people who have made the most important choices in their lives wrong. Let's take a look at the most common types of people that fit all of the above and are in unhappy relationships.

Very romantic Ronald

The very romantic Ronald's mistake is to believe that his love is enough to get married. Romance can be a huge part of a relationship, and love is the secret ingredient in a happy marriage, but without considering other important factors, you can't create a happy family.

A very romantic person usually ignores the inner voice that tries to reason with him when the relationship is not happy.

He drowns out the voice of common sense with thoughts like "Everything happens for some reason, and our meeting cannot be a mere coincidence" or "I fell head over heels in love, and that's all that matters."

If a very romantic person believes that he has found his soul mate, he stops asking questions and completely relies on his faith. For the next 50 years of unhappy marriage.

Frida Driven by Fear

Fear is one of the worst decision makers when it comes to choosing a life partner. Unfortunately, due to the attitudes adopted in society, fear begins to torment all rational and sane single people already closer to 30.

There are different types of fear motivated by loneliness: fear of being the last lonely person among your friends, fear of being an old parent, or fear of being judged by society. All these fears lead to a hasty and not very high-quality choice of a partner.

The irony here is that the only reasonable fear in terms of relationships should be that you will spend two-thirds of your life in an unhappy marriage with someone who is not right for you.

People driven by fear do not want to take risks and wait for a suitable partner until 40, so they often choose the first one they come across and live in an unhappy marriage.

Ed amenable to influence

Ed, amenable to influence, allows other people to decide who is the right partner for him. Choosing a life partner is very personal and incredibly difficult. Each person chooses in their own way, and no one else can fully understand all your motives and desires, even a close friend or relative.

The opinions and preferences of other people should not influence the choice of life partner, unless, of course, there is no mistreatment or violence in the relationship.

It is sad when the right mate is rejected because of disapproval from friends, family, or factors that shouldn't matter (another religion, for example).

It can also be the other way around: a person maintains a relationship because it looks good to others. Even if everything is not so great between partners, such a person prefers to listen to the opinions of other people, rather than his feelings, and tightens the noose more and more.

Superficial Sharon

Superficial Sharon is more interested in describing her partner, rather than his inner world. There are many points that she needs to check: his height, the prestige of the profession, the level of well-being, special achievements or talents.

Basically, each person has a list of items that a partner must meet, but for superficial people, that's all that matters.

When choosing a life partner, they tick off the resume that exists in their head, and do not pay attention to the individuality of the partner. Therefore, the result is not at all what you wanted.

Selfish Stanley

Selfish people can be divided into three categories.

1. Either as I said, or not at all

This type is not capable of sacrifices or compromises. Such a person believes that his needs, desires and opinions are much more important than what his partner thinks. Making important decisions, this person only follows his own path. In fact, he does not want a partnership, he wants to live his life, but for someone to keep him company.

At best, an egoist creates a couple with a very good-natured person, and at worst - with a weak-willed partner with a bunch of complexes. Thus, he sacrifices the opportunity to be part of a team where everyone is equal.

2. The main character

The tragedy of the protagonist is that he is completely immersed in himself. He wants to find a partner who will simultaneously be his psychotherapist and a huge fan, and the hero will not give him anything in return.

Each evening they will discuss how the day went, but 90% of each conversation will revolve around the protagonist. After all, he is in charge of this relationship!

The problem with such an egoist is that he is unable to go beyond the boundaries of his own world, and the unhappy partner will miss him for all 50 years.

3. Driven by needs

Everyone has needs and everyone wants to satisfy them. But when in choosing a partner a person is guided only by needs (she cooks for me, he will be a good father, she will be a good wife, he is rich, she will help me become more collected, he is good in bed), this becomes a real problem.

After a year of relationship, when a person's needs are met and he stops noticing it, it turns out that other components of the relationship do not suit him and much more is needed for a happy life.

The main reason why all these types of people are unhappy in marriage is that their choice is dictated by fear, selfishness, other people's influence - forces that do not take into account what a partnership really is, and do not contribute to building a happy relationship.