"Where there are two, there are three, and where three, there are four": why people become parents with many children

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Personal experience and advice for those who have not yet decided.

This article is part of the "" project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Why do you need so much? But what about your personal life? Don't you know how to protect yourself? Families with many children often cause surprise and a barrage of questions. To answer them, we talked with two parents with many children. Their paths are very different: at first Olga did not plan to give birth, but after a while she “bargained” with her husband for four daughters, and Semyon and his wife always wanted a big family and even decided on adoption. Find out how these people overcome difficulties and where they find happiness.

Story 1. "I suffered the loss of my career and began to rebuild my life."

About the first birth

I now have four daughters 11, 7, 5 and 3 years old. To be honest, until a certain age I didn't really want children and didn't plan: I was pursuing a career. The first pregnancy turned out to be accidental, and I had to love them.

When I found out that I was going to have a child, I was a little scared. I ran to consult with my mother and girlfriends and in the end decided to give birth. By that time I was 32 years old, and the ticking clock scared us all from childhood.

My first husband and dad decided to help me: they agreed on a paid birth in a private clinic. But when it all started, the head of the hospital had a birthday, which she celebrated in Turkey. Therefore, I was received by the doctor on duty from the usual sleepy brigade, who knew nothing about me.

They gave me an epidural, put me in the delivery room and went somewhere. The anesthesia lasted an hour. At that time I was alone, without staff and even a nurse. There was no one who could say that everything would be fine with me, who would cover me with a blanket.

I was lying almost naked, freezing on an oilcloth bed, a catheter in my hand, under me was only a disposable diaper and terrible thoughts: "What if the contractions start again?" And they started. I was shaking with fear and pain. I started screaming, calling for help.

It was like 250 fractures at the same time, as if a skating rink was running over me, but I did not lose consciousness. For my money, I expected at least the attention and presence of someone nearby.

Two hours after I gave birth, happy relatives came to my ward with flowers and smiles. And I just went through hell, I'm lying and absolutely do not understand what to do with the little man who is yelling at my side.

It was the most terrible childbirth in my life. I decided that I would never pay unofficially to doctors again. And I didn't want to give birth anymore.

With the advent of my first daughter, my life changed dramatically. I had to leave my career, good income and become dependent on a man. I didn't know how to behave with a child. Books and theoretical knowledge did not help. It was very scary.

When my daughter was one and a half years old, my husband and I divorced, and I was left alone. Until the child went to kindergarten, I was completely dependent on him. Of course, close relatives and parents helped me, I went to a psychotherapist and at some point tried to hire a nanny. But I would call this period one of the worst.

About a new family

The next child was born from a second marriage and was very desirable, because next to me was a completely different man: included in children, me, everyday life and family. He slept with his daughter, when he had to - he fed. This changed my attitude towards children a lot.

If after the birth of the first child I thought: "Oh my God, what will happen to my life!" once. It was interesting, although still difficult. But I have already more or less adapted to life with babies.

We did not stop at two children. My husband wanted more, and we were constantly bargaining.

He said: "Seven!", And I yelled: "No, no seven, let's four!"

And we agreed on four girls - he wanted them exactly. We still have a joke that I give birth to everyone and the best mom in the family is dad.

Well, somehow it happened, not very consciously. I thought, where there are two - there are three, and where three - there are four.

I suffered the loss of my career and began to rebuild my life in a completely different way. From the HR director of a large company, she became nothing, and then slowly began to engage in psychotherapy. And I realized that it is not difficult for me to study to be a psychotherapist and have children in the process. For example, my youngest daughter was born between sessions.

Childbirth no longer frightened me with the unknown, as the first time. I already perfectly understood how false contractions differ from real ones, how much time passes between them and how to breathe. I knew what to do and how my body works. She could give instructions to the doctor and her husband.

About parenting experience

When a new child is born, the elders receive less attention. But this is the law of the jungle. While I'm busy with my youngest daughter, my husband is more focused on the others: he puts him to bed, reads fairy tales, kisses and hugs more.

The support of my spouse and the fact that I stopped panicking helped me not to be torn between the children. Mothers usually worry: “Oh, I hurt my baby if I take him off the breast for so long. And if I do something else, this is another injury. I realized that it is impossible not to injure children. I just tried not to do it on purpose, and if something happened - to smooth it out as much as possible. I'm not a motherhood goddess. Knowledge of psychology helped me avoid anxiety, unnecessary body movements and be more or less happy and calm.

The more children, the easier you treat them. Mine ate dog food, and the most that could happen was diarrhea.

I worked all my fears on the first baby. For example, she called an ambulance several times a week because of a simple temperature. Now I know what to do if someone is poisoned, when to give antipyretics and when to call a doctor.

When there are many children, they play, develop, socialize - there is healthy competition. This summer, one daughter was with her grandmother, another with a nanny, the third in the camp, and the fourth was at home, and she was bored. I want to believe that everyone is better together.

About having many children

You can pull the positive sides by the ears in the spirit of "four children - four times more love." But I have no idea that my daughters will provide for me in old age, or that they are obliged to love me as I need it.

I just live and rejoice. And sometimes I get angry because children are not always nice people.

For example, we moved into a new apartment a couple of years ago. We did some repairs, though partially. We still can't finish, because our daughters paint the walls, pick off cabinet handles, ruin furniture. You have to organize your life with this in mind.

Do not forget about the material side: children are very expensive. For example, one bought a new jacket, but the other did not buy - a scandal. You have to take four times as many things at once. This encouraged me and my husband to earn a little more actively.

You can't predict when kids will get sick, so I can't plan anything. In such cases, you have to cancel events or hire a nanny. So I reset to zero every day.

Plus, we cannot go on vacation with the whole family: until we have earned enough so that the six of us can leave for Turkey or Egypt.

What young parents should know

Check the fantasies that worry you for realism. Consult with people who already have more or less positive experiences. Listen less to grandmothers and do not pay attention to what strangers say. Focus on yourself, your level of wealth, freedom and psychological stability.

If you are thinking about having more children, and you are paralyzed by fear, then you better not. And if your fears relate to some material things - find yourself a better job.

Talk to your partner more. The birth of children, on the one hand, brings people closer, and on the other, it introduces disagreements. If this is the first or even the second child, then it is important for the husband to realize that now a large portion of the attention will be given to the baby, and not to him. Of course, a woman can break, but then none of you will have enough health to master the old way of life.

It is important to discuss the feasibility of the undertaking before pregnancy.

After the birth of a child, a woman for some time remains defenseless and financially dependent. Or maybe it will always be so if she does not want to leave the decree. Then it is important to understand who is taking on what part of the obligations. You can start working if the child is two months old, but then the husband must sit on the decree, which is now beginning to be introduced in different countries.

You can invite your grandmother, but this is not the best option. For example, I have a rule that I give sweets to children for a reason, but when they have eaten or done something. But for some reason she believes that sweets can be given whenever she wants.

Grandmothers often break family rules. As a result, children grow up in chaos and do not understand which reality to believe. When I said goodbye to all the grandmothers, life became much easier. But if this is an adequate person who will do what the young mother asks, that is another question.

Story 2. “I try not to say how many children I have”

Semyon Kremenyuk Father of four children, two of whom are adopted.

About the birth of the first daughter

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years. When we still met and planned to get married, we found out that we both want children. Now we have four of them: 13, 8, 7 and 4 years old. We adopted two of them.

The first child was born when I was 21, and my wife was 20. In a sense, we then blissed out. In my youth, everything was easier, for example, to do without sleep. And our daughter turned out to be problem-free: she slept, ate, was not capricious.

All the difficulties were associated with gaining new experience. They say to you: “Relax, it's just a cold!”, But you see that the child is hot and you don't know what to do. But it was still more difficult for my wife. She suffered physically during pregnancy, and she had more responsibility in our family. I devoted a lot of time to work and tried to help my wife, support her. This required a certain amount of discipline.

But after a while we realized that children are not as scary as they seemed, and we wanted more.

About a special son

At two years old, my daughter became much more autonomous and began to walk. Now it was possible to hire a nanny or give the child to grandmothers. This immediately freed up a lot of time, and we decided that we wanted to shoot now, and then enjoy life.

Unfortunately, the second pregnancy ended unsuccessfully. After a couple of years, we tried again, and our second biological child was already born. It turned out to be special: due to big health problems, our son does not walk or speak.

The doctors advised us not to give birth again.

We were very worried about this situation, so it is difficult to compare emotions from the birth of the first and second babies. These are completely different children.

About adoption and adoption

We had been discussing the possibility of becoming foster parents for a long time and knew that sooner or later we would do it. Five years after the birth of our son, we thought of adopting a girl of 1-2 years old. Our biological daughter took part in making this decision. She was already 10, so they talked together and consulted. She was for and still supports us in this.

At the social service, we were advised to broaden our search criteria so that there are more options. Therefore, we reported that we are interested in 1-2 children under the age of six.

As soon as we received the status of adoptive parents, we went on vacation. The next day they called us and said that there are children who are suitable for us: a girl of two years old and her brother of five years old. And they ask: "Interesting?" We went nuts a little, thought and said: "Yes, let's see."

These were the first children we were offered, and we immediately agreed.

After adoption, we realized that the guys do not like us, because they do not know how to do it. In the orphanage, they were simply not taught how to handle their own emotions. It was difficult: you take care of the person, give him your warmth, but nothing in return. It took us two years to change that.

About the attitude of others and stereotypes

I am sad from the attitude towards large families in our society. I even try not to say how many children I have and who is biological and who is adopted, because it really surprises people: “Wow! Come on! Why so much? Why adopted?"

For example, in the adoption process, we had a court that considered the possibility of transferring custody. And the judge asked: "Why do you need this?"

I answered: “I love children. I want children. I don't know why anymore. What do you mean why?"

I am stunned by this question. Why do you eat bread and drink water? I was happy that I have a dad and mom and they are not divorced, but loved and love each other. I've seen this example. Children should not be without parents.

Older people often say that we have burdened ourselves with children and ruined our youth. And peers believe that large children have little chance of achieving anything in life. But children do not become a stone around their necks. This is, of course, a certain weight, a decrease in mobility, but everything very much depends on organization and desire.

We have three healthy and active children who have their own schools, circles, courses. And there is a child who needs special care. At the same time, my wife and I manage to go on vacation, engage in hobbies, we watch movies and have made repairs. We live a fulfilling life.

The more children there are, the more important discipline is for parents. You start to perceive every half hour as effective time. If you synchronize tasks with each other in advance and follow the schedule, then everything can be done. And you get tired at the same time no more than a person who sits in an office from nine to six, and then gets home and rests.

Children appeared in turns and had a slight impact on their careers. We have been living as a full force for two years now, and it was at this time that I started working on a team of leaders in a large media company. Before that, I had been building a business for eight years.

I must pay tribute to my wife, who tried her best to free me for business, and now for work. She took over the children and I was able to develop my career. At the same time, my wife still manages to earn money: she freelances and helps me on some projects. Therefore, the only question is maximum organization.

Attention to children

There is a widespread belief that when a new child appears, the previous ones begin to receive less attention and suffer greatly from this. As a child, it seemed to me that my sister was loved more, but it seemed to her that I was. This is childish envy, bad manners or immaturity. It just needs to be worked with.

My wife and I were sure: if there is one child, he will become spoiled and grow up selfish. I have seen many such examples in my life. We wanted the family to have a children's team. So that a person knows what needs to be shared and that he is not the navel of the earth.

We did not worry at all that someone might lack attention, because we love children and devote all our free time to them. How to distribute it among the guys is another question. But it turned out that everything is quite simple. You interact with the children in turns or play with everyone together. They are all different ages, and they need different things. I feel that I haven’t hugged it for a long time, I haven’t kissed it, but I haven’t talked with it - I am guided by the sensations.

About a big family

I am warmed by the thought of a future large family. I imagine that someday everyone will have their own children and concerns, and then we will gather for the holidays in the same house. My wife and I are very attracted to this, so we are ready to go through some difficulties now.

Recently, I talked with a friend who thought about having children for a long time, but ended up having a cat. He says that the animal lies on his stomach, purrs, and this immediately makes him feel good, the mood rises.

I look at this with a smile, because children are like a hundred cats.

People have needs for upbringing, direction, procreation. And they say: "No, I don't want to strain, I'd rather have a cat or a dog." This idea is not popular among my friends and acquaintances, but I always say directly that a pet should not replace the idea of continuing your family. And if you do not want to continue, then there are many children who are sitting without parents.

Of course, all this imposes certain restrictions. For example, we are not as mobile as people without children. But if you have at least one child, then you are in about the same situation as we are with four. If you want to go on vacation, but the nanny is sick or the grandparents do not want to help - you are not going on vacation, no matter how many children you have.

Another disadvantage is the educational process. It takes a resource - nerves and strength. But there would be no children, something else would take my nerves and strength. And so I invest them in future people. My task is to create good representatives of society, thanks to whom something will change later.

What young parents should know

Children should not become the center of life. First of all, this will affect the relationship of the spouses. You need to do everything so as not to quit your job.

The husband should make sure that the wife does not focus only on the children. Everyone will suffer from this. Help her find a hobby or a part-time job. Keep track of her health - physical and, more importantly, mental.

And if you are afraid to have many children, then just imagine a cold pool. You need to close your eyes, group up and jump with a bomb. And there you will still fly, flop, swim out, warm up, and you will also experience cool emotions. And then you will tell everyone for a long time.