How to deal with toxic people

How to understand that there is a toxic person nearby

You wake up in the morning and finally realize that you are stuck in a troubled relationship. You are resentful and confused.

You can be hurt by a parent, brother or colleague, friend, spouse, or even lover. It doesn't matter if they are manipulating you, bullying you, or trying to blame you for their problems. You do not know how to behave in this situation.

A few examples of such relationships:

Your friend is constantly sarcastic, and lately her barbs have become very violent.
Your colleague not only rejects all your suggestions and ideas, but also actively belittles you in front of those who listen to you.
Your spouse tells you cruel things, and responds to objections that you are too sensitive, or even refuses to talk about it.
Your parents underestimate your accomplishments no matter what you do.

Not everyone stays in this relationship. At least for a long time. Some people immediately identify toxic people and know how to deal with them. Often these are self-confident people who strive for a trusting relationship and do not allow themselves to be hurt.

The opposite situation develops for people with low self-esteem who prefer a dependent position. They don't know what a healthy relationship looks like and are more likely to be associated with a toxic person.

How to behave

1. Recognize the traits that make you easy prey

This does not mean that you should take responsibility or blame yourself for someone doing wrong to you. Think calmly about interacting with this person. Focus on why you felt something, not exactly how you felt. This way you can see the pattern by which unpleasant communication takes place for you. For example, insecure daughters of overbearing mothers may confuse someone else's desire for control with strength and tenacity and be influenced by someone toxic.

2. Think about your reaction

Rate your reaction to unpleasant communication. The person offending you may take a lax response to their behavior for permission and continue to behave the same way. By your reaction, you can increase or decrease the aggression directed at you.

Work on managing your emotions. Find the point between overreacting and underreacting, and prepare yourself a template for how to deal with this relationship.

Act on the "if-then" principle.

Play in your head the most likely conflict situations and your behavior. For example: "If she tells me something rude, then I will ask her why she insults me." It is very important to learn how to defend your feelings.

3. Stop making excuses

One of the reasons people stay in harmful relationships is a lack of self-confidence. If you justify toxic behavior (“He didn't mean it, he didn't want to”) or blame it on ignorance, misunderstanding (“She didn't understand that she was rude”), then it's time to stop and understand why you are doing this. If you notice that you are behaving this way, stop.

4. Do not be afraid of irrecoverable losses

People avoid losses at all costs. They prefer to hold on to what they have now, even if it turns out to be useless in the future.

Our habit of focusing on how much energy, emotion, time, or money we put into something keeps us in place.

Whatever the investment is, you can't get it back. Years invested in a hopeless job or relationship, money spent on a broken car or on speculation cannot be returned. It's pointless. As well as relationships with toxic people.

If you often think about how much you invested and what you sacrificed for a toxic person, think about what your life will be like in a year or five years if you end the relationship. If the connection is not broken, then the following years will become just another sacrifice that you brought to a person who will not appreciate it.

5. Recognize the power of variable approval

We tend to be optimistic by nature and are more passionate if we don't always get what we want. This can fuel our cravings for toxic people.

Burrhus Frederic Skinner, an American behavioral psychologist, conducted an experiment with three hungry rats in separate cages. Each of them had a lever that the animal could press and receive food.

In the first cage, after pressing the lever, food always appeared. The rat understood this and calmly went about its business. In the second cage, the lever never delivered food - the rat learned its lesson and lost interest in it. In the third cage, the lever worked at random and became an obsession with the rat. She pressed him constantly. This is variable approval.

This principle also works in human relationships. When a toxic person does something good, your heart hoots with joy, your optimism reaches a ceiling, and you think the situation is improving. It locks you in for a long time, like a rat in a cage with a lever.

6. Defend borders or plan a retreat

If exposure to a toxic person is unavoidable, establish barriers and the type of behavior you would like to see.

You don't have to be rude or judgmental if someone violates your boundaries. It's important to be direct and decisive.

If this happens at work, then do everything formally and secure it on paper. Say to a colleague, for example: “You can criticize me, but I would prefer you not to get personal. My appearance has nothing to do with work."

If you can avoid communicating with someone toxic, do it.

7. Learn to anticipate retribution

A toxic person likes to control you. He is pleased to feel his strength. Therefore, do not expect him to simply leave your life.

When you start to resist, most likely, he will try even more to manipulate you, gossip in order to gain power over you again. This is especially true in a relationship with a narcissist who needs victory in the eyes of society at any cost.

8. Don't make abusive behavior the norm

It is especially important not to make insults the norm if you have lived in a harmful relationship for a long time or grew up in a family where you were humiliated. Toxic people explain their behavior by saying that their statements against you are just words. They deny their guilt, shifting it onto others.

Refusing to answer a question or ignoring it is also offensive behavior, a tacit variation of it. Any humiliation, including emotional or verbal, is bad.