Why we become like our parents and how to change it

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

“I’ll never do that,” we think, but genetics and childhood experiences are stronger.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

We are somewhat like parents, whether we like it or not. And the older we get, the more obvious the common features.

The human brain fully matures, somewhere between 20 and 30 years. By this time, much of the behavior of the parents begins to seem rational and worthy of imitation. But there are exceptions when we copy what we condemned and did not intend to repeat. Let's figure out why this is happening and whether it is possible to stop this transformation.

Why do we act like our parents

We have a similar nervous system

Our personality, character and behavior depend on the characteristics of the central nervous system (CNS). Connections between neurons in different areas of the brain predict whether a person will be an extrovert or introvert, sympathetic or indifferent, careless or anxious about his future, how often and strongly he will be anxious and angry. Some of these features are inherited, so if one of the parents was always worried about trifles or quickly lost his temper, then the child is likely to start doing this too.

Genetic characteristics determine the personality by 49%, the rest is set by the environment and upbringing.

The environment plays a very important role in the early years of life. Infant brains are extremely receptive to experience, and the events of the early years largely determine how they function in the future. For example, a lack of care or abuse can lead to depression and anxiety, as well as a decrease in the volume of gray matter in the cortex and hippocampus - the area of the brain that is responsible for emotions, memory and spatial orientation.

In early childhood, parents are the only source of information and role models. Therefore, it is not surprising that the human nervous system resembles the central nervous system of his mother and father, which explains similar traits and behavior patterns.

We repeat the learned script

Every family has certain scripts that establish an acceptable way to behave, speak, and even think. This applies to everything from the little things like washing the dishes to expressing emotions and overcoming difficulties.

Scenarios can be conventionally divided into three types:

• Repeatable - what we do in the same way as our parents, knowingly or not. Usually these are behavioral scripts that are learned in childhood as positive. But sometimes we repeat what we didn't like. Perhaps as a subconscious desire to be closer to mother or father.
• Corrective - what we deliberately do differently from our parents. This happens if a person denies the lifestyle of his family and tries with all his might to escape from it: he changes the city, religion, economic status. In this case, all ties with close relatives are often severed, and the choice is made in the context of "the main thing is not to be like them."
• Improvised - new and often spontaneous scenarios that do not depend on parents and arise out of necessity or curiosity. For example, if a person begins to live with a partner and their patterns of behavior collide, there is a need to establish impromptu rules that will suit both.

The longer we follow a certain scenario, the stronger the neural connections responsible for its implementation, and the more difficult it is to stop behaving that way.

Is it possible to change what you don't like

Despite the fact that many functional connections of the brain are formed in childhood and adolescence, they can change later. This is possible due to neuroplasticity.

The human brain contains over 100 billion neurons, which are connected by trillions of synapses - the contact points between nerve cells. Neuroplasticity is the ability to alter the strength of synaptic connections between neurons. During life, some connections become stronger, others weaken. In addition, new synapses and even new nerve cells can form at any age.

It is unlikely that a person will be able to change absolutely everything: some functional connections in the brain are quite stable and remain unchanged throughout life. But even if we are unable to correct the character, it is possible to correct the behavior model in different situations. For example, if a person has inherited an easily excitable nervous system, he can learn to slow down the flow of emotions in time.

How not to repeat the mistakes of parents

Changing the models learned from childhood is a long and difficult process. Like most other tasks, it starts with setting goals.

Step 1. List what exactly you don't like

Ekaterina Dombrovskaya psychiatrist, psychotherapist, member of the Russian Society of Psychiatrists

First of all, you need to understand how you behave and what exactly does not suit you. It is not enough to say, "I don't want to be like a mother or a father." A detailed analysis is needed. List each similar point and determine what you would like to fix.

To get started, choose one thing to give maximum attention to the formation of a new model, and move on to the second step.

Step 2. Understand the reason for your behavior

Any reaction, be it irritation, anger or fear, has a reason. And it is not always obvious.

Here's an example: "I don't want to yell at the child, because the mother was yelling at me." Why am I yelling? Because it is a reaction to thoughts that have arisen as a result of the child's behavior. “Too long digging, people will think that he is slow-witted” - irritation - shouting. In this example, the person inherited from his parents an explosive nervous system and dependence on the opinions of others.

Ekaterina Dombrovskaya

Think about what influences your behavior in a particular situation. Think back to your thoughts and feelings and try to find what triggers the unwanted behavior.

If you have the opportunity to work with a psychotherapist at this stage, be sure to try it. Sometimes we find it difficult to understand ourselves: the obvious things in our head become completely unobvious, and cause-and-effect relationships are broken. Experts will help you see inconsistencies and suggest how to make behavior more adaptive.

Step 3. Build a new behavior model

Once you understand the reasons, you can form a new pattern of action. So, the woman with the child from our example can track the flashing irritation and stop before it ends with a cry.

But remember, awareness alone is not enough to solidify a new scenario. You need to make the behavior habitual, and this requires constant work.

Don't expect quick changes. Your behavior pattern has been developing over the years, and at first you will unconsciously return to it. This is fine. The main thing is to stop in time, to suppress the usual way of thinking and deliberately turn it in the direction of your chosen setting. Each time you succeed in doing this, the synaptic connections responsible for unwanted thoughts or actions will become slightly weaker, and those needed for new adaptive behavior will get stronger. Think of it as another small victory.