How to find your place in life?

What prevents you from finding your place and how to deal with it

1. Feeling that something is wrong

Crises in human life are a natural phenomenon. Therefore, at some point, to stop feeling in your place is a natural part of the path, a turning point that shows that adjustments need to be made.

But if this process lasts for years or you can't even remember when it started, then in addition to the question “where am I going, where is my place in life,” it makes sense to analyze what is holding you back along the way.

Imagine that you can live now in any way, ask yourself: "If now thinking that I cannot find my place would not be such a problem for me, what would I do?"

Close your eyes, listen to yourself, imagine images. Write it down. Then think about what this activity symbolizes for you. Perhaps it is self-expression, a feeling of freedom or closeness with other people. The answer to this question is your landmark, a guiding star, looking at which you will plot your route.

2. Confidence that "the same place" will subsequently remain unchanged

However, in fact, this is not the end point of the path, but a landmark where you should go.

A good way to figure out what kind of life you would like to live is to imagine your own funeral. Close your eyes and imagine how people who knew you talk about what kind of person you were, what you brought valuable into their lives and what you dedicated your own.

After that, answer yourself the question if you like this state of affairs, how you would like to be said about you. And based on this, plan actions that bring you closer to the life you really want to live.

3. Avoiding painful experiences

Life - is a risk. And the path towards something truly important to you is inevitably connected with tension. Yes, you would be less worried if you were doing something insignificant. But would it make sense then, would you be able to feel in your place? Unlikely.

4. The conviction that if you find yourself, you will not be wrong

But this is not so: at some point you will inevitably stumble and fall. And you will definitely meet people who will react negatively to you. So avoiding these moments is avoiding life itself.

We live in a world full of possibilities. And any of our choices is a rejection of something. And by refusing, we lose something. For example, overtime pay if we choose time with family. Or, conversely, an evening with loved ones, if we choose a job. It's okay to worry about this. And it becomes an obstacle when you try to avoid this loss.

5. Devaluation of their own experiences

Thinking that it's petty isn't important enough can get in the way of building on past experiences and send your current successes to the dustbin. Analyzing critical and demanding thoughts is a separate big topic.

Here I will briefly indicate that it is important to hear them, designate them as critical and separate them from yourself, look at them from the outside. These may include generalizations "not capable of anything", "not adapted to anything." Devaluation and criticism is what blocks the sense of self.

Be sure to analyze: are the critical ideas your thoughts or is someone in your environment saying so? The support of people from your present and past is a huge resource in order to take risks and move towards your place in life.

6. Disruption of the balance between analysis and action

If you constantly think, analyze feelings, but do nothing, then you will not be able to check the reliability of your thoughts in reality.

If you are just running, then you can slip past your feelings, not have time to check how important it is for you, whether it is about you or you are acting automatically, out of habit. See if you are stuck in one of these extremes right now.

How to learn to feel

Being attentive to yourself, sensitive to your needs is a skill that needs to be developed. You can start with a simple exercise: write down what makes you happy. Or make a list of 50-100 things that you definitely need to do in life, and start doing them.

This, on the one hand, will help you better feel your desires. On the other hand, it will add energy and resources that can be used to find your place.

On this proposal, very often there is resistance and a desire to argue that this is all nonsense, that you need to do important things and that this has nothing to do with finding yourself and solving an important issue.

Strong resistance or critical thoughts can be an example of how you forbid yourself to be yourself, to feel drive and pleasure from life. Perhaps the same is true with work, where demanding and critical thoughts arise before you even try something.

Another way is to remember all life situations when you felt in your place, describe them and analyze what they say about you. The detailed exercise text can be found here.