“I never knew what was waiting for me at home”: how to deal with toxic parents

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Mom with alcoholism, attempts to get out of codependency and painful therapy by a psychologist.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

In an ideal world, parents are our support and support, but in a real world they are not always. Sometimes care and love are replaced by endless reproaches, total control, manipulation and even assault. It can be very difficult to cope with pressure from loved ones, but it's real.

We talked with Anastasia, who immediately after the separation of her parents was confronted with the alcoholism of her mother. Over time, the girl got rid of codependent relationships, worked out the wrong attitudes with a psychologist and was able to establish a rare but adequate dialogue with her mother.

The heroine told how the atmosphere in the family affects personal life, what is taught in support groups for adult children of alcoholics, and why only oneself needs to be saved in toxic relationships.

“We came home and saw that my father was trying to go out the window”

When I am asked to voice the first thing that I remember about myself, the same story always pops up in my head: I am quite small and lie in a crib, and my parents are arguing behind the wall in a small apartment in Yoshkar-Ola. I needed care and warmth, but instead I heard that Mom and Dad were sorting things out again. I don't know if this is a false memory, but the sensations inside are very clear: anxiety, discomfort and a feeling that I am not safe.

I remember the moment when my mother came home very late and he and his father again had a conflict. Dad said: "Where could you lose your phone and all your money?" - and my mother could not connect even two words. At that time I did not yet understand what was happening, and did not realize why she was behaving this way.

To be honest, we practically did not communicate with my mother - my upbringing fell on the shoulders of my sister, who is five years older than me. We have a good relationship with Dad, but he was focused on resolving conflicts with Mom.

In general, my parents were in my life, but I do not remember that they talked to me, much less hugged me.

They tried to pay attention, but they did not always succeed due to the unstable situation in the family.

When I was eight years old, we all moved to Samara. From that moment on, the situation began to worsen: the abuse of the parents reached the point that they began to rush at each other hand-to-hand. My sister and I tried to stand between them, but it did not help. Dad gently pushed us aside, and mom could scream and throw us aside: she did not realize at all what she was doing.

One day we came home and saw that my father was trying to go out the window from the second floor. Perhaps it sounds frivolous, because the height is small, but we were very scared and tried in every possible way to influence him to stop. As a result, the quarrel with my mother gradually subsided, the parents calmed down and went to their rooms.

I was nine when my father left the family. If earlier my mother took it out on my father, then after all the aggression began to pour out on her sister. I tried to defend her fiercely and got paid for it too.

Then my sister moved - and there were no other options but to take it out on me. Dad never took us to his place and was afraid to immerse us in his life so that Mom would not arrange scenes of jealousy. But sometimes he came to visit us while my mother was not at home, or remotely helped me do my homework, if I asked for it.

Mom will always find a reason to say that I myself am to blame for the conflict

When my mother was left alone, the drinking period began. Alcohol was the only familiar way to numb the pain. She suffered, but did not know healthy options to recover, so she went headlong into addiction.

I remember for a fact that sometimes cigarettes were added to the drinks, although usually she does not smoke. Surely, at the same time, my mother also took sedatives: she is a pharmacist, so she had free access to them. From time to time I saw her in very strange states, but due to her age I did not fully understand what was happening.

For a year and a half after the parents broke up, I hid from my classmates that mom and dad were no longer together. I was ashamed.

She said that my father was not at home because he was on duty. In Yoshkar-Ola, he was a pilot, and in Samara he worked at the airport - he checked aircraft before departure. After we saw my dad, I had to report to my mom: what he was wearing, what we were doing, what we were talking about. If the answer did not satisfy her, hysteria began.

I never knew what was waiting for me at home, and I could not invite friends to my place: suddenly my mother was in an inadequate state. She could make a scandal because of an unwashed mug, throw it at me, slam the door and shout phrases that I learned literally by heart: “Go to your dad”, “I gave you in vain”, “Leave the house”, “All of you prevent me from living. These words remain inside, and living with them is not easy.

Mom often disclaimed all responsibility and devalued my feelings. In the evening she screams, and in the morning she says: "Well, nothing happened." Apologies are usually out of the question. Mom always found a reason to say that I myself was to blame for the conflict. Moreover, when, in favorable periods, the sister shared her experiences, in moments of quarrel and alcohol intoxication, the mother necessarily used them against her.

That is why I promised myself not to share problems - so she has no opportunity to put pressure on the most sore spot.

Despite attempts to defend myself, I still found myself a victim of abuse, for example financial. Mom often said that she supports all of us, although in fact a lot of money was spent on alcohol - even from the funds that my father gave for us. During my school years, I received a maximum of 500 rubles a month from my mother. At the university, I began to provide for myself, so I used only living space and sometimes ate at home, but the reproaches continued anyway.

Mom constantly came up with conspiracy theories: "You did it because dad talked you over", "You all want me to feel bad." This is the typical reaction of a neurotic to the world. Moreover, from time to time my mother was openly delirious: she could pretend that she was talking on the phone, although no one called.

I lay down on the floor and began to pray to God, although I am an unbeliever

The hardest thing is to realize that in the middle of the night your own mother kicks you out of the house. The situation was formulaic. We are fighting, and she screams: "Get ready right now and go to your dad." When I got dressed, she began to drag me by the arms and stop me.

Sometimes I still left, because it was impossible to stay in the apartment. I went to the next yard, sat there and cried. I could not move out, because I studied at the university, at the same time I worked in a small regional media outlet and received 17,000 rubles a month. With this amount in Samara, it is difficult to find something adequate to remain able to eat and provide for the minimum needs.

For the first time I realized that my strength had run out during my second year at university. My mom and I had a fight again, and I tweeted that my life is complete shit. A colleague saw this recording, clarified what was the matter, and offered to live in his apartment for three days. He went on a business trip to Togliatti, and he needed a person who could look after his cat. It was then that I realized how comfortable it is to live alone when you are in an atmosphere of absolute calm.

Once my mother and I had a fight again and I went to my sister for a couple of days. She, as a rule, was saved by relationships and lived with young people. This time she and her boyfriend left for the weekend and left me the keys - the apartment was vacant. I remember that I arrived, lay down on the floor and began to pray to God, although, in general, I am an unbeliever. I was so desperate that I no longer knew who could help me. Now even remembering it is hard.

The point of no return was the situation when I came home from work and once again saw my mother and her friend drunk at home.

I then continued to receive a small salary and collected orders for freelancing in order to move out faster. I thought that I would come home and quickly write all the lyrics, but I returned to complete chaos: everywhere is a mess, food is lying around, everything smelled.

At this moment, my hands simply dropped: I am looking for the last strength in myself to earn money, but at home something like this happens. There was no longer any desire to fight, so I went down to the school playground next to my house, sat down on the asphalt and sobbed. I called two of my friends, and one of them came to calm me down. It turned out that very soon she would have the opportunity to move into an apartment inherited from relatives. She offered to live with her, and I immediately agreed.

After moving, I believed that saving my mother was my life's mission

I came home and said that I was leaving soon. In alcoholic intoxication, my mother began to let go of reproaches in my direction: "You are leaving me, everyone leaves me", "I will feel so bad, I will not forgive you." When she got sober, she communicated more carefully and gently tried to dissuade. I tried to abstract myself and just repeated: "I want to live like this."

My friend spent a long time getting ready and making rearrangements in the apartment, and I felt more and more sharply that I could not wait. In the end, she asked for the keys and moved a couple of days earlier than she did. From that moment on, everything changed.

Living apart is a thrill. You wake up and understand that it is calm at home and it will always be so.

It's great when you know that you will not be ashamed of anyone. You yourself financially support yourself and you are sure that you do not owe anything to anyone. And you also fall asleep without anxiety and you know for sure that it will be quiet, because the person next to you takes care of you.

My friend and I have introduced many cool rituals into our everyday life. For example, we had a room without judgment, where we would come to discuss something stupid and just chat. We cooked breakfasts together and read Tarot. In general, it was just awesome - as they show in the TV series, when friends live together.

As life began to improve, the lifeguard syndrome worsened in me. I began to feel guilty that I was doing well and my mother had problems. From time to time she called and asked to help her financially to pay off her debts. At such moments, I really thought that I would save her and this will not happen again, but over time, this illusion went away. Each time, they first thanked me, and then this help came around with a reproach that I had given too little amount. It's always a shame, because I tried with all my heart, sent the last one. Over time, I realized that everything was meaningless. No matter how much money I give, they won't save her.

The relationship with a toxic person is wave-like: today he is at the bottom, and tomorrow he is sober and vows to start a new life. You want to believe that this is possible, but then it is even more painful to admit that promises do not turn into reality. You find yourself in the ass again, and even more.

I used to think that saving my mother was my life's mission. I constantly hung out with psychologists at the university, took part in out-of-town trips and every time asked the same question: "How to help an alcoholic?" When I heard the answer “No way” for the sixth time, it began to dawn on me.

I realized that if she does not want to change, then this will not happen. I can help myself or drown in the same place.

With 30 strangers, I said that my mom is an alcoholic

When I was writing another text for the Samara media, one of the heroines said that she was codependent. I began to study the meaning of this term and was stunned, because in many features I recognized myself. I came across a group for adult children of alcoholics, but I reacted to it with caution: such communities reminded me of sects and slightly frightened me. I wasn’t sure if I should go to a meeting, but I was still worried that in my relationship with my mother I followed the same scenario from time to time.

I made up my mind because I wondered what the meetings looked like. It turned out that people of completely different ages come to the meetings and each time someone is considered to be the speaker. He tells the story of his journey, and the rest share how this story resonates with them. The first time I didn’t say anything at all, and at the second meeting, I said only a couple of sentences in a trembling voice.

In addition, at every meeting we took some kind of vows and read standard phrases from the category "I am an adult child of an alcoholic." This format is not close to me, because it really looks like sectarianism, but I understand that alcoholics in the community are treated like this.

The group helped me to feel that I should not be ashamed of what is happening with my mother. This is a common story that happened not only in my family.

Before, I always said: “Mom has a problem with alcohol,” but at the meeting for the first time I called a spade a spade. With 30 strangers, I said that my mom is an alcoholic. It is morally very difficult to admit what happened. Moreover, my mother always denied addiction, hiding behind stereotyped phrases: “I don't drink, but I drink”, “I don’t roll under the fence”.

The most important thing in this experience is that I noticed how similar all the stories are. You listen to the person you see for the first time, and he seems to be telling a situation from your life. At this moment, you understand that there are certain patterns that are developed in the environment: you become a parent for mom or dad, you do not receive care, you take responsibility for yourself earlier than necessary. From this side, the meetings were interesting, but more than three times I could not stand it.

I am unworthy of love

After university, I realized that I wanted to move to Moscow, because I did not see any career prospects in Samara. I already worked in one of the coolest media in the city and did not understand where to find new ways for professional growth. I decided to apply for a master's degree at the Higher School of Economics, but I lacked only a couple of points for the budget.

During the same period, I broke up with my boyfriend. There was so much anger in me that I had to urgently send it somewhere. So in just a month I found a job and a place to live in Moscow and moved to the capital with 50 thousand rubles in hand. It was a pursuit of self-realization, but not an attempt to escape from my family - I no longer thought about that.

In Moscow, for the first time, I decided that it was time to see a psychologist. This is always a difficult process: you go to the sites, but you just can't decide on a consultation. At that moment, I was puzzled by the problems in the relationship, which over and over again developed in the same scenario.

I've been in dating apps for two years now and have dated different guys, but no one wanted anything serious. They were satisfied with the free option, to which I agreed, and then became too attached. Each time I was leaked under the pretext "You know, there are so many things to do now" or "I got depressed." I began to think that something was wrong with me. This is a sure sign that it's time to see a specialist.

I started chatting with a cognitive psychologist and she asked me to keep a diary of automatic thoughts. For several weeks, I recorded everything I felt, any negative emotions. Over time, we noticed that some of the attitudes were repeated, and the most powerful phrase was "I am not worthy of love." It was a thought that I confirmed in all my relationships.

A safe scenario for the psyche is the one that has happened to you before. Being abandoned is familiar, because that's what Mom or Dad did.

Just a few seconds is enough for the psyche to understand whether the person is suitable for your trauma. This is why we can easily find people to help validate our automatic thoughts.

We took this installation and wrote out everything that confirms it. When you start to understand, it turns out that there are much more arguments against it. Then we wrote the opposite formulation: "I am worthy of love" - and periodically returned to it. Everything became clear, but emotionally it would not let me go. Once a month I was still lying down, feeling terrible and urgently wanted to write to my ex to feel that at least someone was not indifferent.

I decided to contact a psychologist I knew to choose the appropriate therapy, and he offered to work with me for free, because he had recently completed a course in psychosomatics. At first, he plunged me into trauma: he asked me to imagine that my ex was opposite, who is breaking up with me right now. He repeated the phrase "I'm leaving you" several times, and I felt so unpleasant that I burst into tears.

Then he suggested that I remember when I first met this feeling, and I was carried back to childhood - the very situation when my parents swear behind the wall. We began to discuss what my mother felt, what she really wanted to say or do, and what at that moment I wanted - hugs, care, warmth, food. We imagined that the parents would give it, filled the situation with a resource, and then tried to carry it into adulthood. If it didn’t work, then we went back - it means that something was left without attention.

This therapy helps to get through the situation the way it should be, because otherwise negative emotions sit inside and you bump into them every time. They helped me to change my reaction so that I no longer face this barrier in the future. Now I have been dating a young man for almost a year now and I feel very comfortable. I no longer have the feeling that I am not worthy of love.

Until you save yourself, your relationship with your parents will not improve

Now I feel much calmer in my relationship with my mother. Moving was partly a solution to the problem, but it's worth noting that it has nothing to do with separation. I just learned to assert my boundaries, started taking care of myself, and stopped doing things that might hurt or harm me. Until you save yourself, your relationship with toxic parents won't improve. To communicate with a person who is not aware of what he is doing, you must first learn to distinguish between your emotions and jitters.

For a long time, I could not see my mother drunk, even if she behaved appropriately. It was enough for me to feel that she drank half a glass to feel anger. At these moments, I no longer took our communication so seriously that there could be no question of improving relations.

Now I understand that any addiction is a symptom. A way to get away from reality and come to a sense of self, which cannot be achieved in an adequate state.

You can forbid her to drink as much as you like, but until there is a healthy way to feel the way she wants, she will use destructive methods.

Recently I came to visit and noticed that my mother opened champagne and quietly drinks it. It didn't bother me, because I see that she is friendly and behaves appropriately - that's enough. I am no longer filled with the aggression that seethed in me before. In addition, I became more attentive and showed interest in my mother. Previously, I did not ask questions about her past, but now I try to communicate more.

It has become easier to build a dialogue, because I come only twice a year - that's enough for me. And I know that if something goes wrong during my visit, I can always return to the capital or stay with friends, whom I have a lot in Samara.

When I am in Moscow, we call each other about once a month. I used to blame myself for not keeping in touch, but now I understand that I am so comfortable. More often it doesn’t work: I just don’t know what to talk about, and I feel that I cannot be completely frank. If something good has happened, I will share it, and it is better to keep my worries to myself.

With dad, the story is a little different: we always spoke rarely, but good. Recently I even met his new family. We do not tell my mother about this, because she will definitely have a hysterics, but I was pleased to see how he lives and to know that everything is all right with him.

You are no longer a child and you are responsible for yourself

I have no regrets about what happened in my life. I think I am very lucky because I have never experienced physical abuse. Moreover, I could get into an abusive romantic relationship, but in my case this did not happen. They were just weird, but they never had anything to do with toxicity.

If I were to get out of this situation now, I would do the same as before.

I have always done what I could - no more and no less. When you come out of a toxic relationship with your parents, you don't have to push yourself. If you are not mentally ready for something, then you are unlikely to do it, be it moving, going to work or anything else. For a long time it seemed to me that I would not be able to move to Moscow if I did not enter the university. As a result, I found a place to live and a job in just a month, when I was really ready for it. Be a little more loyal and don't blame yourself if you are still putting off a decision.

If you've had toxic parenting experiences, it's important not to hide behind this in adulthood. As soon as the phrase “Well, what do you want, I had such a childhood, I was treated terribly” appears in the language, remember that you are no longer a child and bear responsibility for yourself. The sooner you understand this, the easier it will be to build communication with your parents and the world around you. It is infinitely impossible to keep this anger, so you will not move anywhere.

It is important to learn how to defend your boundaries. Mom still often tries to give me advice, and before I would have responded emotionally. Now I have learned to say: “Thank you, I respect your opinion, it is based on your experience. Perhaps I will think about it, but I will still do as I see fit. " I notice it works. Now mom often starts a phrase with the words "I know that you will do what you think is right, but I would have done like this."

When you feel that emotions are raging inside, try to sit down and think about why they arise and what they are.

The following practice helps me: I sit down, close my eyes, understand the emotion and surrender to it. I just say: "Yes, I am angry and offended." So we give ourselves the opportunity to live what we feel, so as not to drag this load further.

Think about how much your help is really enough for you. Can you figure out what's going on? Most likely not, because there is no one to rely on, but on oneself simply does not work. I would start working with a visit to a psychologist, and anyone. Over time, you will understand which therapy is right for you and find your specialist, but first of all, you need to overcome fear and take a step in this direction. At the very least, they will help you understand what is causing your concern. This is already a big deal.

Besides, yoga is a good anti-stress. I had a period when I was terribly nervous, slept little, drank a lot of coffee and smoked occasionally. All of this led to the only panic attack in my life right in the middle of a shopping center. It seemed to me that I did not control my body and was about to die. After that, my friends gave me a yoga subscription. And for me, this is a really cool tool that teaches you to interact with your body.

People often say that I am wise beyond my years. The experience I got really changed me. I understood my mother and realized that she coped as best she could. Of course, she brought me a lot of pain, but I'm grateful because this energy has become the impetus for the realization of so many cool things. The discomfort kept me constantly moving forward. We cannot change what has already happened, but we can use the resource that this situation has given us.