Is it normal that a loved one infuriates you, and how to deal with it

Why it's okay to be angry with your partner

French sociologist Jean-Claude Kauffman believes that irritation, discontent and nagging are part of any serious relationship. If you spend a lot of time with a person, and even more so live together, your views on everyday life and habits will inevitably clash.

All these uncleaned things, uncovered lids, spent money, broken plates … Not to mention the fierce battles between owls and larks or scandals around the fact that a partner sticks too much on the phone.

Grunts, sidelong glances, exchange of barbs or even quarrels - more often than not there is nothing terrible in them. And not a single, even the strongest couple can avoid such situations.

Kauffman is echoed by relations expert Kira Asatryan. She says that if people get annoyed with each other and occasionally quarrel, then their relationship is healthy. And that's why.

You feel comfortable with each other …

At the very beginning of a relationship, we usually try to show our best side and carefully hide the habits and qualities that, we think, can alienate the partner. We don't walk around the house in stretched pants, we don't throw half-empty cups of tea all over the apartment, and, of course, we keep negative emotions under control.

But when relationships reach a new level and become stronger and deeper, we relax and let our true self free.

And it is not always distinguished by peacefulness and restraint. In general, if you grumble, argue and argue, then you are confident in your partner. And you know that he loves you and will not be afraid of such trifles as periodic outbursts of discontent.

… but at the same time you are not indifferent to each other

It is believed that strong and happy couples never quarrel. But a complete calm in a relationship can mean that people just don't give a damn about each other. That they have moved away and no longer experience any vivid emotions: neither positive nor negative.

In short, irritation and discontent means that there is definitely life in the relationship. Although this, of course, does not apply to situations where all communication between partners consists of criticism, quarrels and nagging.

Irritation is a reason to work on yourself

Tracking down what drives you crazy and analyzing why it’s doing so can help you get to know yourself better. And at the same time, identify weak points and work on them and on your relationships.

For example, you are terribly enraged that your partner is lying on the couch all weekend with a book, a phone or a controller from a set-top box. The problem is probably that you have different ideas about the ideal vacation - then you should find a compromise or just spend time separately.

And it may also be that you yourself are not able to let go of yourself and relax - and therefore you are angry with a loved one who is indulging in idleness with might and main.

In this case, you need to learn how to relax and sit back - for example, try different relaxation techniques. Or figure out why spending time lazy makes you feel guilty, ashamed, and fearful.

How to deal with irritation

No long-term relationship is complete without grumbling and resentment. But sometimes it happens that there are too many quarrels and mutual irritation. And it can really ruin the relationship or make it completely unbearable.

After all, no one likes to listen to reproaches all the time or see their partner walking around with a sour face all the time. If your loved one pisses you off so much that your relationship is in jeopardy, it may be worth listening to the advice of psychologists.

Analyze how irritation affects your couple

Maybe you attach too much importance to small skirmishes, and your partner barely notices them or treats them like something natural. Well, they reproached, well, they flared up. And then the "guilty" still went and took out this ill-fated rubbish - and that's it, there is peace at home again.

But it also happens that dissatisfaction accumulates - and small skirmishes more and more often flare up to full-scale scandals with screams and tears.

And then people start to move away. For example, they try to stay longer at work, just not to listen to lectures and not catch sidelong glances on themselves. Or avoid spending weekends together.

At this stage, it is worth considering whether irritation is really to blame for everything or whether it is the problem that lies behind it. Uncleared debris or systematically discarded socks may be just the tip of the iceberg.

But in fact, all this is a manifestation of laziness and indifference, which suggests that the partner is irresponsible, does not respect your work, does not want to invest in relationships and share household responsibilities with you. And in this case, it is this that worries and angers you, and not the socks themselves. This means that you need to solve the problem itself, and not its symptoms.

Start with yourself

In one way or another, two parties are involved in the conflict. It cannot be that the responsibility rests entirely with one person, and the other participant is simply a victim of circumstances, who cannot do anything at all.

For example, your half puts a coffee cup on a white table, once again ignoring the saucers and coasters. You imagine how a round brown trace remains in this place, and you begin to boil. Then you have several options:

Flare up and inform your partner that you are fed up with all this.
Silently offer him a saucer.
Close your eyes to what is happening.
Calmly explain that these spots upset you very much.
Buy a table that does not leave coffee traces.

Yes, you didn’t put the ill-fated cup on the table. But it is you who choose - to start a skirmish or to simmer in your own indignation. You are not responsible for the other adult and their actions, but you can start with yourself. Do not react to the stimulus automatically, but take a few deep breaths and think about which paths are now open in front of you.

Remember that when you get irritated, you get even more angry

It seems that if you make a comment to the person, it will become easier for you. But it is not always the case. Endless grunting, on the other hand, serves as a catalyst for irritation. The more you go over the sins of your half in your head, the more you irritate yourself. Because all this is completely unconstructive and does not lead to a solution to the problem.

It will be much more effective to discuss what is happening with your partner:

Talk about your feelings using the "I" message: "I am very angry when my requests are ignored", "I am worried that we will not have enough money."
Avoid accusations and attacks: "You always throw everything away!", "You are irresponsible and think only of yourself."
Suggest a solution to the situation: "Let's draw up a schedule for cleaning the apartment and try to follow it", "I think it is worth starting to keep a family budget."
Listen carefully to the other side and come to a common denominator.

If the reason for irritation was very insignificant and you flared up, because it's just such a stupid day, tell your loved one about it too. Sometimes everyone needs to be pitied and "taken on hand".