How to get rid of "toxic" people

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

When you are trying to become better, to change your life, to achieve something new, there will certainly be ill-wishers. But the worst thing is that they can be found among the closest people - relatives, friends, colleagues. How do you know if someone is manipulating you and pulling you back? And do you need to delete such a person from your life?

You may have heard a famous scientific anecdote about a frog: if you throw it into boiling water, the frog realizes the danger and will jump out of the pot. If you heat the water gradually, the frog will not jump out and cook. The message is clear: in everyone's life there will always be people who interfere, portend trouble and harm when you try to become better, but they do it so carefully that you may not notice the danger.

Such people - let's call them “toxic” or life-making people - can hinder your progress for a variety of reasons. Perhaps they think that you will not stay in their life if you succeed. Perhaps they feel that their flaws will be more visible against your background. Or maybe they just don't accept the very possibility of change.

But root causes are far less important than the direct impact they have on you. Their anger, resentment, manipulation, or cruelty undermine your strength. At any moment you can find yourself among life-poisoning friends, relatives, colleagues, who, consciously or unconsciously, impede your happiness and personal growth. In order to feel good, achieve success and happiness, it is important to identify similar people in your environment and learn how to manage the emotions that they cause in you.

So let's discuss how to recognize toxic people and how to navigate the complex process of getting rid of such people. Your future depends on it.

How to know if someone is poisoning your life

There are people who pull you back all the time - annoying, quarrelsome, constantly demanding something, or just repulsive. But such people cannot be called poisoners in the strict sense of the word. They are just unpleasant personalities. You want to keep a close distance from such people, but there is no urgent need to delete them from your life.

There is a great variety of people poisoning life. On the one hand, your old school friend who keeps talking about how little time you spend together now. On the other hand, there is an ex-girlfriend who can still manipulate you into fits of anger. Your friend may just be annoying, but your ex is most likely poisoning your life.

Of course, you will have to decide when to just keep your distance, and when to erase the person from your life. Your sister may have more patience than her colleague, but sisters and colleagues are different.

Now let's talk about real ill-wishers - infecting people who control your life. Here are a few of the classic signs of people poisoning their lives.

1. They are trying to control you. It may sound strange, but people who cannot control their own lives often seek to control yours. Their poisonous influence is manifested in attempts to control others, both explicitly and secretly, by subtly manipulating.
2. They don't respect your personal boundaries. If you constantly tell someone not to act with you in a certain way, and he still continues, most likely this person is poisoning your life. Respect for other people's boundaries is natural for an educated adult. And the people who poison your life benefit from breaking boundaries.
3. They take, but give nothing. The ability to take and give is the key to true friendship. Sometimes you need a helping hand, sometimes your friend, but you take and give in equal measure. But not with people who poison your life - they will take from you everything they can, and for as long as you have enough.
4. They are always right. They will always find a way to stay right, even when they are not. They rarely admit that they screwed up, made a mistake, or expressed themselves in the wrong way.
5. They are insincere. This is not about exaggeration, face saving, or other types of "white" lies. This refers to explicit and repetitive dishonest behavior.
6. They love the role of the victim. The people who poison your life take pleasure in acting as the victim against whom the whole world is. They are looking for a reason to be offended, offended, ignored, although in fact they do not feel anything like that. They like to make excuses, give seemingly reasonable explanations or completely deny their guilt in what happened.
7. They don't take responsibility. Part of the victim's behavior arises from a desire to avoid responsibility. “It's just that things are as they are,” “We are not, life is such” - phrases illustrating the attitude of poisoners to life.

Doesn't it remind anyone? People who poison your life can go unnoticed for years. Until you stop to reflect on your experience with them.

Now let's talk about how to get rid of such people.

Why is it so important to get rid of the people who poison your life?

It is very rare when ill-wishers completely hinder all your attempts to change for the better, but this also happens. Basically, they slow down your progress.

The main thing is, do you want to have a person in your life who actively prevents you from making your life better?

The answer is, of course, no. It may be hard for you to accept this, but only until you realize the impact his company has on you.

Under the influence of the person who makes your life poisoned, you may reconsider an important decision. You may feel sad, uncomfortable, and openly ashamed of your progress. You may even adopt not the best qualities of the poisoners, for example, start to envy someone else's happiness. Because all people who poison their lives have a common feature: they want you to become like them.

More often than not, we simply do not realize that someone else's behavior is poisoning our lives. If you have such a boss, then you understand how it works: his behavior makes you irritable and embittered, you lash out at your subordinates, then employees begin to conflict with each other more and more, and then transfer this irritation to family and friends. And before you knew it, the poison had already spread.

How to get rid of people who really poison your life

1. Accept that goodbyes can be long. Removing toxic elements is not always easy. If the person did not respect your personal boundaries before, he will not respect them now. He may come back even after you tell him to get out. You may have to say this several times before he finally leaves for good.
2. Don't feel like you have to explain something. You give any explanation rather to yourself. Tell us how you feel, but in a way that makes it clear that this is not a subject of discussion. You can do it even easier: gently and calmly tell the person that you no longer want to see him in your life. How much or how little explanation is needed is entirely up to you. Different relationships require a different approach.
3. Speak in a public place. It is not surprising that the people who poison your life can be conflicting or even cruel. Public conversation can significantly reduce the potential for conflict. And if something goes wrong, you can get up and leave.
4. Block such people on social media. Technology makes it harder to distance yourself, so don't leave an open window through which ill-wishers can terrorize or persuade you. You have defined your boundaries. Stick to them. This includes preventive measures, such as limiting contacts on social networks.
5. Don't argue, just assert new boundaries. It may seem tempting to plunge into arguments and conflicts with the people who are poisoning your life, but this is exactly what they want. If they are trying to come back, avoid discussion. Be clear about your boundaries and then end the conversation. You are not trying to convince the person to leave you alone. This is not a negotiation. Therefore, as they say, don't feed the troll.
6. Consider keeping your distance instead of breaking completely. Remember, we talked about a person who can hardly be called poisonous to life, but nevertheless he is unpleasant to you? Such people do not need to be completely erased from your life. You just need to keep your distance by dividing the time for communication with them and for your personal affairs.

Doing all of the above is not always necessary. It all depends on the specific situation. Sometimes it is enough to just make a decision and increase the distance, especially when it comes to friends and colleagues, this does not require a serious conversation. Remember that you do not have to explain anything to anyone. You can simply slowly and imperceptibly disappear from a person's life in order to stop feeling its toxic effects. Relationships with people like a fire: stop throwing food on it, and it will go out by itself.

But there is one scenario when you have to act differently. It's about relationships with blood relatives.

What to do if the person who poisons your life is a member of your family

There are no simple recipes and standard answers that will suit everyone and everyone.

Breaking up with a baneful relative can be the most important break in your life. Family directly influences your thoughts, behavior, choices. But relatives are not your owners simply because of blood ties. Kinship is not a license to ruin your life. Remember this.

This is why increasing the distance between the person who is poisoning your life and you is the best solution, no matter if it is physical or emotional distance.

But in the case of relatives, you have to make some concessions. You can distance yourself emotionally, but you need to be aware that you still have to interact with this person (for example, meeting at holiday dinners or caring for your parents together). To keep your distance, you will have to learn to separate practical activity and emotional component - you will agree to take part in this person's life when you really need it, but do not let him negatively influence you.

It is especially important for family members to make informed decisions. So ask yourself: How much return do you get from your family members? How are the holidays together? Can you actually completely cut off all ties with a relative who is poisoning your life? You can answer these questions and decide that you need to end the relationship irrevocably. Or you can adjust your behavior according to the situation. The main thing is to find time to think about what is happening and the possible consequences of a wrong decision.

It is not easy to erase a family member from life. But this may be the most important liberating decision you have ever made.

What is the most important thing in getting rid of people poisoning your life? This is a message to myself. You say to yourself, "I have value." You put your happiness above other people's problems. And once you realize how some people can destroy your sense of self worth, it will become more difficult for them to penetrate your life.