How to learn to say yes and live life to the fullest

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Deal with your fears and act gradually.

If you can't get up early, give up fast food and play sports, do not despair. Jen Cinsero, writer and motivational speaker, in her new book, NI ZY, offers exercises to develop good habits that will make working on yourself an exciting adventure. Most recently, the book was published in Russian by the Bombora publishing house, and Lifehacker publishes a fragment from the second chapter.

I have a very funny mom. She can turn any situation into a joke, no matter how gloomy, touching or boring it may be. For example, one fine spring evening, my mother and I were sitting in my garden, watching the chirping birds and swimming in the warm breeze, surrounded by a delightful sea of flowers.

We sat in quiet awe, absorbing everything around us, conquered by tranquility, beauty and gratitude. At least that's what I thought until Mom shattered the spell with the words:

- I would not like to be a bird. I would have to build myself a house out of my own saliva.

My mom is unique, but she, like many others, hides behind jokes to avoid pain and discomfort. She always jokes quickly if a difficult conversation or an unpleasant feeling looms on the horizon. My mother was raised by well-intentioned but impenetrable white Anglo-Saxon Protestants who believed that expressions of emotion should be avoided at all costs. If you can't stand it, please do it in another room.

Thanks to many years of psychotherapy and work to make my trembling heart open, I broke the family tradition of hiding feelings behind a stone wall. However, I am far from being an Olympic god. I mean, I have friends who, in the midst of a crisis or hysterics, call me, unable to breathe and speak from unrestrained sobs, and I stand with a pipe in my hands, chained to a place and dumbfounded, more shocked than if they appeared on my the threshold of what the mother gave birth to. These friends almost always call back, apologizing guiltily, but I find this vulnerability amazing, bold, and incredibly advanced.

In other words, if you are used to saying “no” and you act alone at any cost, instead of asking for the necessary help, I understand you.

By saying no instead of yes, we are afraid that we will alienate people by showing them what we consider our weak, broken, capricious, difficult side. We are afraid to be upset when we ask for love and get rejected. We are afraid to open up and be ridiculed or overwhelmed by other people's needs. We prefer not to take risks and control the situation, keeping our emotions, our environment and our heart in a fist. We build walls from "I'm fine, I can handle it, everything is fine", while literally and figuratively, we drag the elephant up the stairs alone.

Borders are not solid walls. They breathe and move with the complexities of life and the nuances of every situation.

I dragged on for a hundred years before hiring an assistant, executive director and accountant in my firm, even when I already had the money to do so. I just got used to doing everything myself and did not want to relax control. I also moved around with all the furniture myself and once helped a friend plant a garden the day after breaking up with my boyfriend. I ran to the bathroom to sneakily cry and pretend I had a cold instead of telling them how bad I was. Age has done wonders for my ability to set boundaries. Since I turned fifty, I have found that it has become much easier for me to say yes, no, I think you screwed up here, get off my lawn - depending on the situation.

My dad, who lived to be ninety-two years old, commented very well: "I don't know if you get wiser over the years or just get tired more." It seems to me that there is not much of both: with age, we (I hope) accumulate wisdom through the experience of raking our own and other people's shit. And we literally have less energy to endure the drama that bad boundaries provoke.

But don't worry: to learn how to set boundaries perfectly, you don't have to wait for the moment when you start pacing around all day, holding on to your sore lower back. You can start right now. Understand what scenarios you are acting on.

Practice slowing down in situations where you are tempted to push the boundaries that you really need.

Bravely defend your position and guard your space. If you say no too often, there are some good ways to tear down walls and give yes free entry and exit.

Review your needs

If you have a problem with frequent refusals, you probably find it difficult to even realize that you have needs. To grope for something specific and find places to tear down walls, think about which habit you want to form and do this exercise in the context of your chosen habit.

Let's say you're going to play tennis five times a week. Of course, you'll have to find people to play with and put yourself and your awkward feeds out there. If you want to hone your forehand, you'll have to go to a professional for guidance or go for advice from the person on the next court who is doing a great swing. You have to say "yes" to come to play on those days when you don't feel like it, because otherwise you will let your partners down. You will have to set aside time to play and perhaps ask a friend to pick up your kids from school, or ask your partner to wait for the plumber because you have a match scheduled.

Deal With Your Fear

Here are some fears that can come out when you say yes to the above scenario: if you ask people to play tennis with you, they may refuse, and you will feel rejected. They may agree, and after a few games it will turn out that they do not know how to serve balls at all, but they chat incessantly, and you will feel trapped. Or they may find that you can't play, or they just don't like you very much, and you feel rejected. You can go nuts in front of people when you make a bad serve, or you lose patience, or you catch on the net in a winning jump, and this impression will no longer be corrected. You can think of yourself as a nasty whiner if you ask a friend or partner for help. You may find that tennis is a "woman's" sport and get angry that you wasted time and money on it.

After listing your fears, pay attention to those that you take especially close to your heart.

For example, let's look at the following fear: New tennis partners will find that you play poorly and that they don't like you. What happened next?

“Then we’ll probably have an awkward conversation when they tell me that we’re not working out, or I’ll have to come up with an excuse to quit.”

What happened next?

"Then I will feel stupid and ashamed."

What happened next?

“Then I’ll probably have to find other people, with whom I will play."

Awkward? Indeed. End of the world? Not at all. Still, this discomfort has made you say no so far, so it is very important to do the following exercise about accepting your yes.

Accept your yes

Constant rejection is associated with ego protection, fear of criticism, rejection or suffering, and fear of losing control and love. The better you present yourself to those who do not take anything personally, the easier it will be for you to relax your guard. Think of yourself as the person who jokingly responds to a refusal or having to tell an annoying tennis partner that you have found someone else that suits you better. Relax. Understand that by saying yes, you begin to live, and life is much more pleasant when you live to the fullest. Imagine that the word "yes" is light, airy and bright, and the word "no" is dark, lonely and heavy. Be grateful for all that ease and help, for the love and joy that “yes” will bring into your life, and start to open up a little.

Know who is hindering you the most

Which people are you most afraid to open up to, and why?

Find out specific details, sort out any fears that come out along the way, and take small steps to let yourself go. For example, you have a friend who has always admired you, and you are afraid to show him your vulnerability or weakness, because you do not want to disappoint him. Start by sharing a little fear or problem with him and ask him for help. If it seems to you that someone close to you will crush you with their worries, when you let him get too close, open the gate slowly, little by little. For example, say that you can only talk for ten minutes, but want to hear his story about how he recently broke up with his girlfriend. Find out who you would like to get closer to, and figure out what exactly you can ask them or do for them, and then tiptoe towards this rapprochement.

Train in a safe space

Ask a stranger to hold your door, or get used to holding doors for others. Make an unexpected compliment to a friend or a kind deed for a partner. Notice how nice it is. Say yes as often as possible to reflash your brain and let it know that yes is good.

Learn the language of consent

Learning the language of the word “yes” requires truly knowing and identifying the times when it’s best for you to break open the protective carapace around your heart and share. Learn to ask for help or advice, and in return let others know that you are there. Slow down the pace, tune in, learn to listen well and boldly talk about your feelings. If you’re going to learn to say yes, you’ll have to come to terms with some discomfort.

• Remember that in your life you are in the first roles, but in others you are at best a supporting actor. When your old toothless cat named Boots Rodriguez is taken to the biopsy room, cry in front of the vet instead of holding back a tsunami of tears. These people have already seen others cry. This is nothing special.
• Say what you think, speak your needs. Tell the person that you love him when you are overwhelmed with emotions. Admit that you're scared, lonely, or need a friend to keep an eye on your dating app profile, even though you're basically terribly afraid to post it. Even if it seems that you do not need it, learn to allow yourself to love and be loved. This will help you release whatever is stuck and stuck in your life.
• Recognize that successful communication takes work. Allow yourself to admit that it's difficult for you to open up. Give yourself some indulgence and believe that a person worthy of your closeness will also give it to you.

Jen Cinsero is the author of several best-selling self-help books, including DON'T KEY, dedicated to financial literacy. Her approach to habit formation is definitely worth a try. It lies in the fact that every day you take small concrete steps and move towards the desired goal, without giving up, but also without scolding yourself for mistakes. As a result, a chain reaction will occur, when one small change entails others. You will learn to open up to people and defend personal boundaries, understand your desires and not be afraid to ask for help. And maybe start playing tennis!