How to learn to rest properly

Analyze the time you spend in front of the screen

In our world, which is constantly online, it becomes more and more difficult to relax. Moya herself admits that for the first time she seriously thought about it after she had to quit playing sports due to an injury.

Exercise has always been an activity during which she could be alone with herself. And without them, she began to feel completely lost.

Moya Sarner

When I have a free evening at home, I often have no idea what to do with it. It all inevitably ends with the fact that I spend hours staring at one screen, then at another, until I go to sleep. And then I wonder why I wasted so much time.

Moya is convinced that she is far from the only one who likes to flop on the couch and sit in front of the TV, while Twitter and Facebook feeds and five WhatsApp group chats flicker in front of her eyes.

Many people are really familiar with this problem. For example, actress Diane Keaton said in an interview with More, "I have no idea what I would do with a whole week off."

Gwen Stefani, in turn, told Stylist magazine that if she has downtime at work, she feels a little panic and tries to plan what to do next. And when Elon Musk was asked what he usually does after work, he replied: "Usually, I continue to work."

The need for an affordable way to relax is evidenced by at least an instant surge in popularity that coloring books for adults have received. Or the growth in sales of survival mentor books in a world where nothing and no one stands still. Or the mindfulness obsession with Headspace, a meditation app that has been downloaded over 15 million times.

Those who spent money on such things, apparently, were looking for answers to the same questions. And many of them are still looking. By the way, now the market for anti-stress coloring pages is in decline, and Headspace began to lay off employees.

A 2018 report from British communications regulator Ofcom confirms that a huge number of people depend on their digital devices and need constant access to the Internet.

78% have a smartphone, and among young people aged 16-24 this number rises to 95%. We check our phone every 12 minutes, although more than half admit that it interferes with communication with family and friends. And 43% agree that they spend too much time on devices. 7 out of 10 never turn them off.

Devices interfere with our rest, but even without them we find it difficult to relax.

Clinical psychologist Rachel Andrew notes that every day she faces this problem in her therapy room, and things get worse. “In my practice, I noticed that the number of people who find it difficult to disconnect from everything and relax is growing, especially in the last 3-5 years. This applies to all ages from 12 to 70 years old."

Lazy relaxation in front of a TV screen or with a smartphone in hand, in general, is nothing wrong, says Rachel. But it all depends on how you do it.

“Sometimes people admit that they do not even delve into what is happening before their eyes. They are completely abstracted, not understanding what they have been doing for the last half hour. It can be viewed almost as dissociation - periods when the brain is so depleted and overwhelmed that it is completely disconnected from what is happening. Of course, such a rest does not help the brain”.

Moya Sarner says that after evenings entirely devoted to Twitter or the TV series, she woke up feeling like she had ate junk food before going to bed. And the fact is that she confused the feeling of a complete shutdown of the brain with real relaxation.

Psychoanalyst David Morgan believes that such immersion in online is both a cause and a consequence of the fact that we have forgotten how to relax and have fun. “All of our devices and how we use them are all distractions,” he says.

David Morgan

People are so used to looking for different means to forget themselves that they cannot even survive the evening alone with themselves.

Immersion in the virtual world is an attempt to distract yourself, a way to avoid communicating with your own inner self. While in order to understand oneself, one needs to free up the mental space, which is entirely occupied by our devices.

Think about your true desires

Rachel Andrew says that some of her patients never thought about how they would like to spend their free time.

“They say they are too busy with their responsibilities - work, caring for the family and the forced maintenance of friendships. By the evening or on weekends, the time comes when they can do whatever they want, but they no longer have the strength or motivation to do anything other than 'falling out of reality'. But how can life be enjoyable if you only do what you have to do all the time?

For others, according to Rachel, the idea of listening to your needs and desires is completely alien. Those raised in a family where everything was centered around the needs of the other child or parent may never have been asked what they would like to do. And it is not surprising that before they could not think about it.

But if they manage to find their own pleasant activity that will help them relax, this can cause great changes in their lives.

Nina Grunfeld is the founder of Life Clubs, an organization that helps people live fulfilling lives.

Sometimes it can be difficult to distinguish between our own needs and the needs of the people around us. And it can take a lot of effort to figure out where your desires end and your partner's desires begin.

“When my husband and I were still young, we went on vacation to Rome,” says Nina. “He wanted to visit every temple, every restaurant, every place of interest. And I was returning home completely broken. Only after I figured out myself, thought about my life separately and what I personally like, I realized: in order to enjoy my vacation and return home fresh and full of energy, I need a quiet rest and reading.

Now, when we go on vacation, my husband walks to the temples alone, and I feel really happy, lying on the beach, by the pool or by the fireplace with a book. For me, this is a real pleasure. Well, in a restaurant I can join him."

Ask for help

Moya Sarner reports that she has already started using all the ideal rules, but sometimes she still feels tired of the world.

Moya Sarner

Sometimes I feel like disappearing into my smartphone or TV. It’s as if this feeling of total detachment is vital to me, even though I know it’s wrong.

She says that psychoanalytic therapy helps her to think about the reasons why this is happening. David Morgan also agrees that psychotherapy is very important in the process of getting rid of Internet addiction, since a person has to use his mind in counseling.

“Therapy fights distraction - it involves concentration,” he says. "When people walk into my office, they often say that for the first time they feel unable to escape from circumstances."

Meeting difficulties face to face and running away from them is equally exhausting. Problem solving is really hard and hectic work. But when there is someone nearby who can listen and help to figure it out, it becomes easier.

David Morgan

Everyone is looking for their own ways to distract from the most important thing: here we live, and then we have to die. Having a mind to comprehend everything that happens, and a person who, together with you, will think about it even more deeply - that's what helps to cope with this terrible truth."

But this frightening fact also helps to realize how little time is allotted to us on the planet. And it's a shame to waste it on voluntarily turning off your brain.

Follow practical advice

1. Enter the one hour rule. Nina Grunfeld recommends that during the holidays with friends or family, assign each person an entire hour, during which he can decide what everyone will do in order to relax. “One of my children will say that we will play video games, another will say that we will go for a walk, and the third will make everyone bake pies. Thus, everyone gets a little of their own time and tries other people's ways to relax. It's very relaxing when you don't have to plan your entire day yourself."

2. Try to remember what you enjoyed doing the most as a child. Determine what was most important to you in this activity and try to come up with an "adult version" of it. If you don't remember this already, you need to ask friends and family or look through old photos.

Everyone can have a lifelong occupation. If we lose it in adulthood, it’s like the loss of our integrity as a person. Perhaps you enjoyed playing in the sandbox and would like to master pottery. Or you loved to sculpt all sorts of things and you will love baking.

3. Get out into nature. Rachel Andrew says: “If you have no idea what will help you to relax, trust in science. More and more researchers agree that being in nature is uplifting and energizing."

4. See the world in a new way. “Allow yourself to explore it. Wherever you are - go for a walk and check what new you can find for yourself. Try to get lost: every time before turning, decide where you want to go - left or right - and check where you end up,”advises Grunfeld.