Personal experience: how to live without friends and not suffer

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Denis did not manage to establish a strong friendship. At first he was upset, but over time he found its advantages in this.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Someone makes lifelong friends at school, someone finds them among colleagues or just by chance. Our hero was less fortunate: he did not get along with his friends since childhood. People whom he considered close disappeared without a trace from his life or let him down, and in the end he decided to rely only on himself in everything. Which he does not regret at all.

I couldn't be called the coolest guy

I've never been the life of the party. But also to those who are constantly on the sidelines, too. If we draw a parallel with the stereotypical American films about teenagers, then I was always between the main and secondary characters. I had some kind of social circle, but I could not be called the coolest guy.

Before school, I was completely immersed in computer games. For me, it was the most comfortable and safest way to have fun. My parents tried to socialize me, but they never pressed me: “Come on! Go to some club already! They just limited the amount of time I could spend in front of the screen, so I had to look for some alternative. In fact, it was great, because without a computer, I felt boredom, which is usually called useful. She allowed me to come up with all sorts of ways to have fun. I read books, drew - I built my own comfortable little world.

Then I went to school, and a huge number of new people who filled the stereotypical class suddenly fell on me: a beautiful girl, nerds, hooligans.

Many children, unlike me, have already crossed paths before in the preparatory courses. Therefore, I had to somehow maneuver between the formed groups.

Here my interest in video games played into my hands, because in elementary school all the boys played on the computer. At recess we constantly discussed who was playing what, exchanged discs, invited each other to visit.

But my company did not work out for me. Almost every year I chose a favorite in the class - the person with whom I was most friends. We went to each other's house or to the movies. Our parents knew each other. But such communication never lasted more than two or three years.

Perhaps this is due to the fact that in elementary school children develop especially quickly and their interests are constantly changing. For the summer holidays, everyone left the same people, and came completely different. And every September 1, we all seemed to get to know each other again. You could come across someone's eyes on a school line and understand: "Oh, we will communicate!" This happened absolutely spontaneously.

For example, in the fifth grade, a boy named Anton came to our school. He was smart, with a good sense of humor. We had a lot of common interests, so we quickly found a common language. The only negative: Anton was always busy. He wanted to become a programmer, so after school he went to extra classes and could never just take a walk. Over time, Anton felt cramped in our school, and he left for another.

When you are high school students, these things make a huge difference. It seems that the person left to live in another world. Therefore, our communication immediately came to naught and we stopped being friends. The strangest thing for me was to realize that we did not quarrel - we just parted ways.

There was not a single person to whom I could write and complain

Things got even more complicated in high school. When you change companies often, new people tend to end. Then you have to make a double effort to speak with those with whom you were once friends. Also, in adolescence, almost everyone has a personal life, which mercilessly pushes friends into the background. It happened to me too. The lack of constant friendship has developed in me an unhealthy tendency to dramatize everything and seek relationships.

I thought: "Now everything is bad, but girls will appear - everything will change."

Seeing in a relationship only a way of salvation from non-existent troubles, I was actively looking for a friend. And when he did, he instantly became obsessed with her, pushing other people away from him. For example, in the tenth grade, I met a girl. When we parted, I realized that I had no friends at all. There was not a single person to whom I could write and complain about my problems. If I tried to talk about it with someone unfamiliar, then people didn't give a damn about me.

Feeling lonely to the fullest, I wrote to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend, because he was a roofer - he loved to climb onto rooftops. I asked to introduce me to someone who is doing the same. He gave me a couple of phones, and two days later we were already breaking the locks together to get to the very top of the building.

It was a breath of fresh air. I learned that life outside of school can be completely different. Previously, I was surrounded by mostly refined children. All of them are parent daughters and sons from respectable families who want to get good grades, learn languages, and enter the best universities. And then I faced a world of completely different people. For example, one roofer had difficulty speaking and hearing, but he was also the most fearless. If it was necessary to climb somewhere along the cornice on the roof, he always took it upon himself. The other guy was the son of a criminal who was in prison for robbery. We communicated quite well with him outside the rooftops. He taught me to play the guitar, and I taught him English.

This Roofer company has brought me a lot of experience. Firstly, I saw a well-coordinated and strong team, which was united by a very stupid goal - to climb onto the roof and take a picture. It helped me understand that you don't have to be friends for good communication. Secondly, a company of motley roofers showed me that we are not on our way with classmates. I was no longer interested with them.

I decided never to rely on anyone again

After school, I entered the university as a psychologist. Few guys studied with me, so we immediately got together in a bunch and stuck together. For several years, the four of us talked, then we split into two duets. How and why this happened - I do not know. It's just that two guys stopped communicating with the other two. With the remaining classmate after graduation, we also cut off the connection due to too different views on life.

The final disappointment in friendship came when I graduated from the university and tried myself in directing courses. There I had a very good friend (as it seemed to me then), with whom we had common interests.

My final job was a web series that the jury liked. I was even given money to take it off. But there was a catch: I knew how to work well with my head, but I could not organize everything. I needed a person who would take over such moments. I suggested this to my friend and he agreed.

Then I began to notice that things were not moving, and I wrote to that guy: “Where have you disappeared? We agreed that you would help. " To which he replied: "Sorry, I can't, I have my own project." It turned out that he was offered another job and he dumped me. If I had not written to him, he would have simply disappeared without explanation. Although I put not only expectations on our project, but also money.

Then I realized that this is the hundredth case when a person disappears from my life without explanation. It doesn't matter if we have any obligations to each other or not. I thought it wouldn’t fit into any gate, and decided never to rely on anyone again. After that, life became much easier and more interesting.

When you are alone, you have no limits

Now I am absolutely comfortable being alone. And I would not want to change anything.

I recently went to Ireland for two and a half weeks in complete solitude. At first I was scared. I thought I’d lose my mind because I just don’t find anyone to talk to. But in the end, I discovered a whole world of independent travelers.

I rented a room in an apartment where another guy lived. We got to talking with him, and then spent two days together. Then I moved to another city and settled in a hostel. There I met two Canadians, and we still keep in touch.

When you are alone, you have no limits. Nothing stops you. You are easier to climb. You don't have to wait for a friend to go somewhere. You just go and go. And there are already some people who are interested in this world as much as you. You just come up to a person to ask for directions, without any ulterior motives, and he invites you to visit. It is amazing.

Sometimes I still feel lonely, but this happens very rarely and because of some nonsense. I rent a room in an apartment. My neighbors are young guys too. Recently I came home at 11 pm, and there was no one there yet. And I thought, “Do I have such an inactive social life? Why do I always come before everyone else? But after a week it passed.

I call my lifestyle single player mode. Relying only on myself, I began to expect something from people less and become disappointed.

Perhaps the most important thing for me was to understand that everyone puts their own goals at the forefront. This is natural, I do it too. You just need to take it a little easier. No matter how a person swears friendship, when he has a choice between another and himself, he will always choose himself. Realizing this helps to take off rose-colored glasses.

If you, like me before, are worried about the lack of friends, then I would advise you to figure out what exactly is bothering you. Are you really so lonely that there is no one to talk to? Or are the people around you just not suitable for you? After all, there are parents, classmates, colleagues. You never know what kind of relationship is transformed into friendship. Perhaps it will be a classmate, or maybe a guy from the next doorway. It sounds corny, but even a mom can become a best friend or someone who can help make new acquaintances.

Somehow a funny story happened to me. I had a girlfriend visiting me, and she wanted to drink wine. He was not at home, so we went across the street to the store. We bought one bottle there, drank it and returned to the supermarket for two more. All the time we got to one cashier who was watching all this.

The next morning my head was splitting and I went to the same store to buy water. Hands were busy with bottles, I dumped them at the checkout and realized that the same saleswoman was serving me. She lowered her mask, laughed and said: "Give me a pill?" And immediately it became so warm in my soul.

Since then, the cashier and I have been constantly greeting each other, asking each other how are you doing. I feel like I live in a small village in Portugal, where every morning I go to the same coffee shop and order the same coffee. This supermarket has become a place of warmth, where a stranger smiles at me and wishes me a good day.