How to make and not lose friends: personal experience and scientific approach

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Journalist Emma Beddington told how she made new acquaintances after moving to another city, based on the advice of scientists.

My history

I don’t want to admit it, but I don’t know how to be friends at all. At 43, I have very few friends. There is, however, the best. We met online - this is how almost all my last friendships were born and maintained. It could be blamed on the circumstances, but I'm afraid it just suits me. So I can disappear in uncomfortable situations, pull away when I get annoyed, support a person without bothering myself too much.

In addition, I have another friend from school days and one from an old job, whom I last saw in 2009. I have no university friends left, and for this I am especially ashamed. During my years of study, I was unhappy, but I met wonderful people who looked after me when I was especially bad and endured my selfish fits of despair. After graduating from the university, I was so glad that everything was over, and I wanted to start a new life so much that I did not try to maintain friendship. Now I am terribly ashamed of my carelessness and ingratitude.

This has been the case for the past 20 years. I am not doing this deliberately. It seems like I have a need to shed old skin every place I leave. This extends to the people who tie me to this place. According to clinical psychologist Sally Austen, there is a certain logic behind this behavior.

Old friends associate us not only with happy memories, but also with bad ones. When there is a possibility that old friends will prevent you from starting from scratch, it seems safer not to maintain a relationship.

Sally Austen psychologist

If only I had a talent for making new acquaintances. This is a difficult undertaking, even for those for whom communication is easier than for me. According to recent reports, it takes about 50 hours of communication to go from first meeting to friendship. And for close friendship 200 hours. If one meeting lasts an average of two hours, it takes 25 meetings to become buddies. And much more if you usually just prefer to have a quick coffee with someone. It seems that it is simply impossible for an adult with a family and work to find time for friendship.

But this must be done. The scientific evidence for the dangers of social isolation and the benefits of communication is compelling. Loneliness increases the risk of high blood pressure and heart disease, and increases the likelihood of death by 26%. It is not yet clear why exactly it is so harmful. But those who feel lonely seem to have an altered immunological response.

On the contrary, friendship is beneficial from a chemical point of view. Friendly touch triggers the release of oxytocin, and communication promotes the release of endorphins. When we are with a buddy, we release less cortisol in stressful situations. We can endure the discomfort after communication longer. Since science has explained why I need friends, I decided to rely on it and in their search.

Tips for those looking to make friends

Get in touch with old acquaintances

There are specific benefits to renewing contact with old friends, according to researchers. In the dry language of scientists, this is "quite effective", that is, faster and easier in comparison with the search for new ones.

Since I returned to my hometown, I decided to start with this most obvious way. I scoured Facebook looking for acquaintances and, burning with shame, wrote if someone from the local would like to meet. This brought me several invitations for a cup of coffee. I was also introduced to friends of friends, so it was worth it.

Spend more time with people

Sociologists have proven that the more often we see someone, the more pleasant they seem to us. Even if it is not a person, but a huge garbage bag. In 1968, scientists conducted such an experiment: a class of students was joined by someone completely wrapped in a black bag. Over the course of two months, the students' attitude towards him gradually changed: from hostility to curiosity and friendly disposition.

I have adopted this and regularly go to coworking, where I have already made one promising acquaintance. Her name is Poppy, she has amazing eyebrows, and she loves to be scratched on her head. Yes, Poppy is a dwarf schnauzer, but I hope that eventually I will find friends among people. I'm in the same category as the trash bag in terms of attractiveness, so I'll stick with that plan.

Look for like-minded people

This classic piece of advice is backed by scientific evidence. Friends usually have similar preferences, personality traits, and even similar nervous responses to videos.

Armed with this knowledge, I went to Meetup in search of like-minded people who share my addiction to watching owls through webcams and TV presenter Philip Mold. There weren't any, so I made an appointment to speak French.

The very absurdity of the situation, when a group of Englishmen stammeringly speaks another language, helped break the ice. And soon I am already loudly outraged in French by the slow tourists. I enjoyed talking to a woman named Kathleen about the ubiquitous seagulls and even discovered that I have a mutual acquaintance with one person (Schnauzer Poppy). And I really looked forward to a new meeting, happily saying at the end: "Until next time!"

Keep in touch

What touched me the most was the study that friendship lasts long when both parties make contact. This is exactly what I have failed to do in the past.

Of course, I need to communicate with people other than relatives, and I will try to make new friends. But honestly, I don't think I deserve them until I learn to maintain a relationship with the old. I asked psychologist Sally Austen how not to repeat my mistakes.

People make mistakes, and when two people try to build a relationship, there are even more mistakes. You need to try, be persistent and courageous, do not miss the opportunities that appear and create them yourself.

Sally Austen psychologist

Yes, friendship takes a lot of time, effort and kindness. But the few people I have are beneficial not only to my health, but also to my soul. An hour with a friend is like pure oxygen. It's nice to feel that you are noticed and known, and to respond in kind.