How to get over a breakup

Why do you scientifically feel bad

At the very beginning of a relationship, the brain produces oxytocin and dopamine. When a partner is around and everything is fine, the reward system turns on and a whole cocktail of hormones is released into the bloodstream. And it seems to us that we are happy.

After parting, the reward system stops working, the body begins to break down. The stress hormones produced affect the immune, digestive and cardiovascular systems.

The systems that are responsible for the perception of pain are also activated. That is why the brain thinks that we are physically in pain, although in reality everything is in order with the body.

Let yourself get hurt

Yes exactly. You don't need to be artificially invigorated. I want to cry - cry. If you want to shout - shout (just do not forget about the neighbors who can hear you). Sing sad songs in the shower. Watch TV shows avidly.

You will be told that everyone is breaking up and there is no need to make a tragedy out of it. Don't listen or try to hide the pain. Nobody knows what is in your soul, except you. If it hurts, let it hurt. Cry until the tears run out, until you feel better, or at least until you feel empty.

Strength will return to you, but it takes time. Each person has his own time.

Don't blame yourself

The decision to break up does not come overnight. And not even in a month. Most often it is accompanied by a long process of reflection.

The reasons can be very different. But this does not mean that you have missed something somewhere. This means that you both started to lose contact a long time ago.

The responsibility always lies with both, though not always equally. It is not worth calculating who is more to blame. Look to the future and don't repeat your mistakes.

Don't just blame yourself. Yes, you could be less annoyed or less demanding. But your partner could talk to you about it.

Don't try to get your partner back

If it seems to you that there is nothing else left in life and you need to return everything, stop. Fear speaks in you.

It's scary to be alone after a long relationship. And this is a completely normal reaction.

Don't give in to fear. Do not try to return the ex with humiliated requests. Even if he returns, nothing good will come of such a relationship.

Get busy

When the first acute pain passes, go where you could not or did not have time to go together. Watch movies that you liked but your ex-partner didn't like. Think about a hobby that was abandoned during your relationship.

Do what you would never do together. This will allow you to feel freedom that was not there before.

In many cities, dance, drawing, clay modeling, knitting or metal burning studios are now open. A trial lesson is often free. Why not give it a try? In the worst case, you will lose an hour. At the best, you will find a work that you love with all your soul.

Move

In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, many lose weight because they can starve for days. But when the body's resources are completely depleted, appetite wakes up and weight begins to grow.

At the same time, you do not just want to eat, but to seize a bad mood with high-carbohydrate foods: pizza, ice cream, chocolate. If at the same time you move a little, the weight will grow even faster.

Therefore, you need to move, even if only to a minimum.

Make a list of good things

Do you think the world has faded and nothing good is left? This is not true. Your brain simply reacts to stress, and one day the black streak will end.

Until then, make a list of the good things you have. Work, friends, books, a collection of stamps or favorite cups, the taste of hot coffee in the morning, the smell of freshly cut grass, shopping - whatever brings you joy.

Add items to the list regularly, and when things get really bad, re-read them.

Change your surroundings

If everything around you reminds of a former partner, you should think about changing the environment. Can't leave? Rearrange, buy new curtains or crockery. Changing the color scheme will help you tune in a different way. Experiment.

Chat with your friends

You can talk to them, they will support you in difficult times. But do not forget about their feelings, ask before speaking out about the breakup. Perhaps at this very moment your friend is not ready to listen to you or is ready, but will not be able to give advice.

Sofia Enikeeva psychologist, coach

You do not need to communicate with those people who will aggravate your emotional state with phrases like "And I told you, it's my own fault." Once you find something that can bring you relief and people who will support you, immediately start using this resource.

And don't forget to listen and support your friends in return.

Do 5 exercises

The exercises that psychologist Daphne Rose Kingma advises in her book "" will help you understand why everything happened this way and not otherwise. The main thing is to take them only when the first pain subsides. Otherwise they can make things worse.

You can type on your computer or take a separate notebook. The second option has the advantage that the paper can be symbolically torn or burned after completing the exercises.

Don't do the exercises in a row. Take on the next one when emotions subside. Do not try to unsubscribe: this is not an essay that you need to finish and submit as soon as possible. Nobody but you will see what you write.

1. Back to basics

Briefly tell us about your acquaintance, your first date, the beginning of a whirlwind romance, the time when you just moved in. Describe what kind of hopes you had with your former partner.

Now focus on the “evidence” -that already foreshadowed problems back then. It could be some kind of physical or psychological trait.

2. Describe how your relationship developed

First of all, talk about what happened in your life outside of the relationship. Describe your status at that time. Were you lonely or maybe you dreamed of falling in love? Or maybe you had a relationship with another person? What did you want to achieve? What to experience?

Tell us what you had to offer your partner and what he or she had to offer you.

Now describe how and when the "evidence" was revealed. How did you feel?

Imagine a movie is being made about your relationship. What name would you give it? You can describe the poster and come up with a synopsis for this story.

Tell us about the real reason for your breakup. Is this reason related to the development task of you or your partner?

Daphne Rose Kingma psychologist, writer

Some examples: “I outgrew my need for a mommy”, “I finally managed to understand my strengths”, “We raised children”, “We were bound only by sex, it was not enough.”

3. Analyze the gap

Return mentally to the turning point. When did you realize that something clicked inside and hurt? If you were not the initiator of the break, then it happened only later. Describe your feelings at that moment.

List the reasons why your relationship would still fail.

Write a poisoned letter to your ex. Freely express your repressed emotions in it, be it pain, rage, or anger.

Now describe your feelings of guilt. You can do as much self-flagellation as you like - the paper will endure everything.

Remember, there are two forms of guilt. The first has to do with self-flagellation. The second is a real admission of guilt for some actions. Remember the times when you manipulated, said nasty things, tried to make your ex-partner angry.

This is frustrating, but it will help you recognize your flaws and get rid of them.

Now write a letter of recognition to your ex. You don’t need to show him or her what you wrote - it’s just for you. Admitting mistakes will free you from guilt.

Finally, write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. You have done a great job and you deserve forgiveness from the most important person in your life - from yourself.

4. Describe all the good things that this relationship has given you

Try writing a thank you letter to your ex or ex.

5. Reassess reality

Come up with a new role for your ex.

Describe your current challenge. What do you want from the future? How do you see your new partner?

Daphne Rose Kingma psychologist, writer

Regardless of how people feel about their breakup, whether they realize that they are still in anguish and confusion, whether they are convinced that they will never be able to come to terms with the breakup, they all left after class with the feeling that they managed to rise to a more conscious level of perception.

See a psychologist or psychotherapist

Pain after breaking up is normal. But if it doesn't go away, you may be depressed. If you do not eat all day or, conversely, overeat, if you are depressed and everything falls out of hand, if you think slowly and do not move at all, it is time to think about a visit to a psychotherapist.

Don'ts to get over a breakup

Don't look for casual sex

Most likely, it will not help, and you will feel even worse than before. The desire to have sex is generated by the withdrawal. The brain lacks oxytocin and therefore we are looking for someone to comfort us.

Not convinced? Then at least don't get drunk before the date. Alcohol is a depressant. So instead of an enchanting orgasm, you will only get a grudge against your ex and a feeling of guilt, and in the morning you will also get a hangover.

Well, remember about contraception.

Don't bully or blackmail

Emotional blackmail is often used by the abandoned person. The goal is to make the ex-partner feel guilty and uncomfortable. If the ex-partner really feels guilty, then he will not answer and besiege you when necessary.

Why can't you do this? Because it's low.

Don't start a relationship right after breaking up

Some try to forget the former partner in this way. Sometimes it works. Sometimes new relationships turn out to be strong. But more often than not, they only make things worse. The patch will not help when stitches are needed.

Don't force mutual friends to take sides

Don't give ultimatums in the first place. People don't like that.

If your ex was abuser, mistreated or violent, and your friends still communicate with him and take his side, consider whether you need such friends.

How to forget your ex

Remove it from all social networks

Some, after parting, begin to intensively monitor the social networks of their former passions. Someone hoping to see signs of an imminent return: "In the last photos she is sad because she misses me." Someone - out of schadenfreude: "As he got burned on vacation, now, I suppose, the skin is peeling off."

Your ex-partner has a different life now. And if you see posts about her in your feed, it can be hard for you. So clean the tape. It will also be helpful to delete all correspondence.

Sofia Enikeeva psychologist, coach

And there is no need to give secret (as you think) signals about yourself. Don't post photos, statuses, quotes like “I’m hard to find and easy to lose,” and so on. Understand that the more time and energy you spend on relationships that have ended, the more you get stuck in them.

Return all things and gifts to him

Just so that nothing is reminded of the past. This is difficult if you have lived together for a long time and bought a lot together. But without reminders, you can get over the breakup faster.

If he or she does not want to take their belongings, give them to someone else or throw them away. You can even break it. Chances are it will get a little easier.

How to stay friends

You don't have to maintain a good relationship if you don't want to. Even if you have several children or apartments in common. Only you can decide how to behave further with your ex. Listen to yourself, not others.

If you do decide to remain friends, that's okay. Even if it's hard.

Respect each other

It's the most important. If you feel like saying something that isn't very good, try to hold back.

Take a deep breath or a few if necessary. Think about why emotions have become so strong and why they are so difficult to contain. When you find the reason, it becomes easier.

When you're both ready, it's worth talking about the relationship and why it ended.

Keep your distance

Even though it is difficult, you are no longer together. You need to learn to find new boundaries in relations with each other, and this takes time.

If your ex is feeling guilty, they may try to help you as before. You should not encourage this and sit on his neck.

Remember that life doesn't end with a relationship. And even if it seems that there is no gap, if the feeling of guilt is tortured, do not despair. Once you lived without your partner, which means you can again.

Parting is the beginning of a new life. It makes it possible to grow above yourself, become more conscious and happier.