6 steps after a breakup that will save you from mistakes in a new relationship

1. End your previous relationship

If you moved things to another apartment, put a divorce stamp in your passport, or officially announced the separation on social networks, this does not mean that the relationship is over. They continue as you revisit the situation over and over again, review photos, spy on your former love on the Internet. It will not be possible to quickly forget about the past; it takes a period of time.

When a flower is transplanted into another pot, at first it withers away in new conditions, although there is more space here and the soil is better. It takes time to get used to and flourish. People are more complex, so you need it.

Tune in to taking care of yourself first and take your time. Move at your own pace. If you don't get through the pain of previous relationships, new ones will only add problems.

Oleg Ivanov psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts

Wait a little before starting a new relationship after a divorce or breakup. Or a lot - it depends on how hard it was for you to break up. In my opinion, if a relationship lasted several years, then it is worth starting to build new ones no earlier than a year after the breakup.

2. Recover from injury

Breaking up a relationship is a trauma for both participants in the process. It doesn't matter who the initiator was, why you broke up, whether there is reason for joy and relief. It will hurt. Being brave and pretending you don't care is not the best choice. Ignoring the problem, mental wounds cannot be healed.

Nadezhda Efremova psychotherapist

You need to rebuild yourself from basic needs. First, establish a sleep and nutrition regime. As soon as the basic segments come back to normal, you can begin to move towards communicating with loved ones. Don't rush to make new acquaintances right away. First, you need to feel the ground under your feet again and lick the wounds next to those with whom you can be vulnerable and from whom you can receive love and care. And only after that, gradually go out into society and add new hobbies and activities.

3. Work on self-esteem

Parting hurts self-esteem. You may doubt your attractiveness, scold yourself for not being able to keep the relationship, feel guilty. All of this makes you vulnerable. You can jump into new relationships to prove to yourself and past love that you are still hoo. Or, conversely, be afraid that no one will love you anymore, and start dating just anyone.

Andrey Smirnov psychotherapist

After the termination of a relationship, a person is often overcome by the fear of loneliness, the inability to live without someone's support. Such fears are for the most part irrational and are rather easily overcome when communicating with a psychologist. The first step is to realize that there are no irreplaceable ones and there is absolutely always an opportunity to find a more suitable partner.

It is possible that you will not be looking for a person, but for a function - someone who will help you to forget, survive, will become different from past love. And it's not a fact that such a relationship will help you recover and be productive.

Many are so unable to withstand the pain of a breakup that they almost immediately decide to move into a new relationship. This story is very similar to walking on thin ice. And in fact, there is no resource in it - sheer internal tension. Starting a new relationship from a state where everything hurts and bleeds is like running with a broken leg and pretending to be okay.

Nadezhda Efremova

When you end a long-term relationship, it takes time to understand the new rules of the game. You haven't flirted in earnest for a long time, you've gotten older. Past templates no longer work. We'll have to figure out what has changed in the world and how Tinder works.

4. Learn to live alone

In a long relationship, you somehow rub against your partner, somewhere yielding to him, somewhere giving up your desires and habits. Loneliness is a great opportunity to return to the original version of yourself. You will not be able to reset your personality to the basic settings, and it is not necessary: you have matured, gained experience and changed. Now you can afford to decide on your own desires, plans and aspirations without regard to the opinion of your partner.

The halves theory sounds pretty. But it's better to come into relationships whole and build them with the same self-sufficient partner.

Before starting a new relationship, take care of your own well-being, career, health. If a person is successful and independent, a line of potential partners is lined up for him. And he slowly chooses with whom he is more comfortable. So after the end of the relationship, it is best to live alone for a while and strengthen your own position. This does not mean that you need to abandon all meetings. They provide a great emotional boost, even if they don't lead to a relationship.

Andrey Smirnov

5. Work on bugs

The breakup usually has some reason, even if you split up peacefully and without tragedy. In order not to repeat the same mistakes in the next relationship, you need to understand where you turned the wrong way. And this is not at all about how to reshape yourself to a generally accepted standard. On the contrary, you have to understand yourself and accept yourself in order to choose more suitable people.

Alexander Bodrov consultant psychologist, coach

Ideally, no matter how trite it may sound, you should go to a psychologist or psychotherapist to deal with this together with a specialist. Very often, a breakup in a relationship follows a repetitive pattern. And working together with a psychologist will help you find and understand the internal reasons that draw you into this scenario and launch a destructive relationship.

Also, pay attention to possible mistakes in interaction with a partner. There are things that are easy to learn. But many ignore them, because they simply do not think that it was possible that way. For example, it is not necessary to demand telepathic abilities from a partner, and then be offended that he could not read his thoughts. If you accept that this is not possible, and speak out your desires and feelings, life will become much easier.

To protect yourself from repeating the previous scenario, you need to take the time to work on mistakes. For example, to realize where the merger took place and which of the partners completely dissolved themselves in the other. Maybe at some point they were too lazy to talk about the conflict, and the gap is just the result of an insult that did not find a way out. After a detailed analysis, you can see the points that need to be adjusted. If this is not done, then you can run into a similar relationship with the grace of a hippo and go to a new circle of the same scenario, just with a different person.

Nadezhda Efremova

In general, it is important to remember that all people are different and the ways of interacting with a new partner will be different.

With a new person, the usual techniques and habits will not work. You do not need to communicate with him in the same way as you used to talk with your ex-husband or wife. Do not idealize a new partner, try to see a real person with all his advantages and disadvantages.

Oleg Ivanov

6. Don't get hung up on relationships

Don't make finding new love an end in itself. Even if you've done a lot of work on yourself, striving for relationships for the sake of relationships is a weird idea.

At first, I generally recommend not to get hung up on looking for a serious relationship. It is much more important to re-believe in yourself, to feel desired, to increase self-esteem. It is important to gain new experience, remember the forgotten skills of communication with the opposite sex. Learn to trust. For now, there will be enough even, calm relationships (not necessarily love ones), thanks to which your life will become better.

Oleg Ivanov