What is flybagging and how to stop collecting fleas

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

A new name for a familiar story, when you step on the same rake and choose the wrong partners.

The Internet and modern culture affect the way we build relationships. That is why such annoying things as ghosting, delusional, gatsbing and so on began to appear in our lives.

The phenomena themselves are not entirely fresh, but social networks and dating sites show them in a new light and make them more relevant. This is also the case with fly-bagging.

What is the essence of flybagging

Translated from English, this term means "to collect fleas." In fact, this word is not called. But if we are talking specifically about relationships, then the concept of "flybagging" describes two situations.

• Man chooses the wrong partners over and over again. Moreover, he often understands this perfectly, but still continues to get involved in a deliberately hopeless relationship.
• A person constantly converges and disagrees with the same partner that does not suit him. Relationships do not bring joy at all and turn into an exhausting cycle of quarrels, discontent, parting and reconciliation. But it is impossible to cut them off once and for all.

The term "flybagging" appeared thanks to the eponymous TV series Fleabag, where the main character again and again chooses men, one more terrible than the other, and suffers from this relationship.

This problem is quite common. 50% of American dating service users said they get to know the wrong people over and over again.

Why People Don't Stop Collecting Fleas

Relationship experts have several theories.

1. They are unsure of themselves

Somewhere in the depths of his soul, a person believes that he is not good enough (handsome, smart, interesting) - and does not deserve a worthy partner. Therefore, he immediately cuts off normal candidates for fear that they will not even look in his direction.

2. They've seen enough TV shows

Whatever melodrama you include, you will not find adequate and harmonious relations there. But you will see quarrels, scandals, partings, tears, betrayal, suffering, manipulation, intrigue, lies and omissions.

Happy relationships are too boring, you can't build a plot around them. No one will worry for five seasons about the heroes who met, fell in love, got married and live peacefully, without cheating, not parting and not enduring each other's brains. Screen twists and turns are needed to move the plot and get people to watch one episode after another.

But at some point we stop distinguishing fiction from reality and transfer film standards into ordinary life. And in the end, we begin to believe that this is how the relationship should look: so that something constantly happens, the nerves are taut, and the degree of passions is twisted to the maximum. As a result, we are looking for “problematic” partners.

3. They haven't grown up yet

Rather, they have not grown to a serious and meaningful relationship. Therefore, it is as if they "play" in romance: they grab the first partner they come across, because it’s all kind of not for real, for fun.

Why is flybagging dangerous?

• It is exhausting. All these emotional swing-roundabouts and communication with strange, not always pleasant people are very tiring. Other areas of life can be severely affected by this.
• It can lead to toxic relationships. Not the most suitable partner is not so bad. It is much worse if a narcissist and a manipulator comes across, from which it is not so easy to get rid of.
• It undermines self-esteem. At some point, it may seem that you attract only bad people, and there will never be sane and good people in your life. And any relationship is doomed to failure.

What to do if you constantly choose the wrong partners

1. Be mindful

You will have to learn a more responsible approach to relationships in general and the choice of a partner in particular.

Even if “until death does not part us” is not included in your plans right now, relationships are still a part of your life, sometimes quite weighty. And it is better that she brings you good emotions, and not eternal experiences.

Before getting involved in another romance, ask yourself how you feel about the person, whether you like him, what flaws you see in him and whether you are ready to put up with them. Think about what the new relationship can bring to your life and how it suits you.

2. Don't watch TV shows

That is, look, of course, but keep in mind that the relationship between the characters is rather a bad example, and in life it should not be so.

3. Learn to be alone

Sometimes we grab onto incomprehensible people, because there are no understandable ones nearby, and being alone is unpleasant and scary. But loneliness is not a punishment, and life without a partner is as fulfilling as with him. Especially if you have a job, friends, hobbies, or something else that brings joy.

4. See a psychologist

Perhaps the root of the problem is that you are very insecure about yourself. It is worth working through this moment with a specialist, because confidence and strong personal boundaries are the foundation of any healthy relationship.