Between "must" and "want": how to stop living someone else's life and find yourself real

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

We will tell you what is the difference between work, career and vocation, as well as how to learn to listen to your desires and live the life that you want for yourself.

We are different. Thirty-year-old women. Twenty-year-old men. Students. "Poor" millionaires. Teachers. Programmers. Musicians pretending to be lawyers. Poets who love to drive the bus. People who understand that work has led to a dead end, and people who are grateful to fate that there is at least some kind of work.

We are different. But we have a common pain. We don't really use our abilities.

Elle Luna, an artist and designer, once wrote about this essay - "Between Must and Want." How to find your way and understand yourself. After a couple of weeks, 5 million people shared this text. “This text changed my life,” commented one woman. "Drop everything you are doing now and read this article," wrote another. And then a book appeared. Beautiful. Inspirational. Which you want to share.

Today we are sharing what caught on. So drop everything. And read on.

Job, career or vocation?

Elle was working on a startup when she felt like she was at the crossroads. There was a lot of work, but she devoted all her free time to drawing. Both worlds were equally interesting to her, but which one to choose?

Elle once saw New York-based designer Stefan Sagmeister speak at the world famous TED conference, in which he showed the difference between work, career and calling.

El wondered: what happened in her life? She realized that she wanted to have a job that would be both a career and a calling. After launching a startup, she wrote a letter of resignation and devoted herself entirely to painting.

What is more in your life? Jobs, careers, or vocations?

The writer Thomas Eliot worked at a bank. Kurt Vonnegut was selling cars. Philip Glass, one of the greatest composers of our time, began to make money on his vocation only at the age of 41. Premieres of his works were held at the Metropolitan Opera, and he continued to work as a plumber.

Any work deserves respect. If you only work to pay the bills, that's fine. And just because you want to find your calling doesn't mean you have to quit your job. There is no contradiction here.

But it is important to think about: what are you doing now?

I need and want

“There are two ways in life:“I must”and“I want”. We come to this intersection over and over again. And every day we choose,”El writes in his book.

"It is necessary" - this is the idea of other people (mainly close ones - parents, family) about how we should live. These are their expectations about our actions, thoughts and life in general. All this destroys our own "I", forcing us to live not at all the way we would like. Choosing the path "must", we choose life for the sake of others, a life predictable and without unnecessary worries.

What is "want"?

“I want” is what we are without masks and imposed attitudes. This is all that we feel in the depths of our souls, what we love and what we believe in. These are all our true desires, dreams, hobbies. “I want” allows us to reveal our potential, to strive for our own ideals.

It is harder to follow the "I want" path, because it is not clear what awaits us on this journey. There are no guarantees, just daily hard work and constant overcoming of oneself. But at the same time, choosing “I want” means living a rich and conscious life. To be here and now every second. This is a life full of delight and joy.

Lawyer John Grisham woke up every day at 5 am and sat down to write stories about terrible crimes before work. He followed "want" for many years and did not give up when he received rejections to publish his book. In the end, he received a positive answer, and today his name is known in every home.

Which path are you on? "Need" or "want"?

Where does "need" come from?

It would seem that doing what we want is so easy, but why don't we do it every day?

We grow up in an environment where everyone around us constantly tells us what to do. We are taught what to do and what not. We inherit the beliefs and worldview of loved ones. But sometimes we follow someone else's “must” path for much longer than planned. We suddenly become aware of ourselves as adults, not living the way we would like.

In order to get out of the captivity "must", you first need to realize that we are in it. Take a piece of paper and make a list of sentences starting with "I need …", "I should …", "I always needed …", "I never need …". Without hesitation, write everything that sounds in your head.

Now ask each item on your list three questions:

Eliminate anything that doesn't work for you without regret. Life is too short to waste time doing things you don’t want to do.

How to follow the "I want" path?

What if we don't know what we like and what we want? Play your dreams.

Every time you have a desire (or dream) in your head, write it down on a sticker and stick it wherever you want. Your desires may be strange, grandiose, helpful, or stupid. The main thing is to catch them and write them down. This will help you hear more often what your heart wants. The thing that will sound more often and louder is yourself.

Two obituaries

Imagine that you have grown old, died and they write about you in the newspaper. What will it say if your life goes the way it does? Write down everything you have in mind. Do you like it?

Now write the obituary you yourself want. What would your life be like? Who would you be? A caring mother, a hero of the country, a great inventor, or all together? Don't be shy about your dreams.

Compare these two obituaries and think about what you need to change in your life in order for the second to become a reality.

How to start?

Lao Tzu said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step." As soon as you realize what you really want, start slowly taking action. You don't have to quit your job right away and spend all your time, for example, writing. This is unreasonable, because you need to live on something and have something to eat. Moreover, this approach will only put you into a stupor. Just do what you love every day. Finding 10-15 minutes daily for yourself is not difficult.

Listen to your heart and do whatever it tells you to. Even if it seems absurd or meaningless.

Your life belongs to you. But only if you yourself are at the helm. Follow the “want” path every day. You can always find ten minutes. Ten minutes while the kettle is boiling - go ahead! Ten minutes in a traffic jam - go ahead!

What will you choose? Necessary? Want?

P. S. Read what inspires. There is a 50% discount on the electronic version of Between Needs and I want until June 13 - only for Lifehacker readers. Promo code - XO4Y.