The Passion Paradox: Why One Partner Always Loves More in a Relationship

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

It is possible to correct the imbalance in the pair. The main thing is that both want this.

What is the problem?

People in relationships very often fall into the trap of passion. It occurs when one partner is emotionally invested in a relationship more than the other. Moreover, the dependence becomes inverse: the more the first partner loves, the less - the second.

The more loving partner is in the position of the weak, and the less loving is in the position of the strong.

Dean Delis, a clinical psychologist and author of the bestselling book, explains why the harmony in relationships is disturbed. He created his theory on the basis of personal experience and clinical practice, examples from which he devotes a considerable number of pages of his book.

Why does one partner become strong and the other weak?

One of the partners takes the position of the weak when he is afraid of being rejected. Usually, at the beginning of a relationship, both have such feelings. But the weaker ones try harder to please: they dress up, give expensive gifts, arrange surprises, strive to please, are actively interested in everything that the partner is interested in. Their goal is to gain emotional power over the other half.

And if they succeed, then the roles change: a strong partner falls in love more and becomes weak himself. And the one who was initially weak becomes strong, because there is already no one to conquer and his passion begins to fade away. As a typical example of the paradox of passion, the author cites the relationship between Anna Karenina and Vronsky.

As Dean Delis notes, the trap of passion can manifest itself at any stage in the development of a relationship, when one partner becomes addicted, and the other begins to annoy and repulse his similar behavior.

Is there a passion trap in every relationship?

Relationships are not static but dynamic. They are constantly changing, which means there is a risk of falling into the trap. The first sensations of falling in love with people are the same: an excited state and "head loss".

A person is in euphoria, and the fear of rejection is the main cause of obsession and jealousy. Until a person is convinced of his partner's love, he experiences powerlessness, he is inflamed with passion, he counts the minutes between meetings and pays attention to the slightest shades of behavior.

Declaration of love is a very risky step, and it is dared when the partner gives a series of encouraging hints. If he responded to the confession and both partners are confident in each other's love, a harmonious relationship ensues.

Why is there disharmony?

Reality is far from fairy tales. A frequent companion of romantic attachment is the fear of rejection. This fear is fueled by disharmony in relationships, which can arise for various reasons.

An imbalance occurs if one of the partners is more attractive to the other: more attractive, cheerful, confident, erudite, successful, talented, young, rich.

The second factor, which the author names, is situational disharmony, when differences arise in the lifestyle of the wife and husband (for example, the birth of a child). And another reason is the disharmony of individual characteristics, when one partner is more restrained, and the second is ardent.

These are the factors that lead to the trap. Since we are all different, and our life is unpredictable, the emergence of a trap of passion in a relationship becomes a very likely event.

What makes a strong side in a relationship?

The strong decide whether to continue the connection. The weak are rarely the first to leave - only if the strong force them under psychological pressure.

But, as the author notes, strong does not mean a manipulator or a villain. The strong often want the relationship to go well. They feel guilt, despair, embarrassment, self-doubt. They do not understand why their feelings cool down. And they often mask chilling with excuses. Deterioration of the appearance and intellect of the weak or its inadequacy to the ideas of the partner can lead to fading of the feelings of the strong.

But it happens that the strong physically and psychologically mocks the weak. And this is a frequent theme in many literary works and films. In addition, the strong point in relationships is susceptible to what the author calls "the syndrome of commitment and uncertainty."

What is the syndrome of commitment and uncertainty expressed?

In a mild form, the syndrome is expressed in the unwillingness of the strong to bind himself by marriage. Often, the strong side suggests that the weaker party live together to delay the decision-making time. The novelty of the situation may give momentum to the relationship, but soon the honeymoon will end and the uncertainty will return.

Sometimes the relationship reaches marriage, but divorce will constantly loom on the horizon. A strong partner will weigh the pros and cons of marriage and constantly rush about. He may commit adultery and then offer his partner to live separately for a while. At the same time, the strong side takes all the blame, convincing the weak that it will be better for everyone.

As the author writes, an attempt to live separately leads to the following scenarios: the strong side creates a successful marriage with a new partner; the strong side becomes weak with a new partner, the relationship collapses and the unhappy strong side tries to reclaim the old relationship. There is another option when the strong side rushes about and the former partner becomes desirable after parting. After returning to an old partner, a new one becomes desirable.

Do people always play only one role in a relationship?

No. After the end of the relationship with the weak, the strong is in danger of becoming one himself. In a relationship, the strong doesn't worry about anything. But if he has to win a new partner, then he will make mistakes that are characteristic of the weak side. As a result of this unpleasant experience, he may try to return to his weak partner.

Usually the weak wait a long time for the strong to return. And if he returns, such a couple has a second honeymoon and the sides equalize.

But the strong can again have a syndrome of commitment and uncertainty. As the author notes, at this stage it would not hurt for a couple to visit a psychotherapist.

After separation, the strong can reconcile and accept their weak partner with all the shortcomings, because comfort, reliability and friendly relations are more important.

What is important to know about weak partners?

Falling more and more in love with a partner, the weak partner exaggerates the strengths of the strong and does not attach importance to the shortcomings. He can ignore the alarm bells for a long time. Of course, over time, he begins to notice that his partner does not love him as much as he does, but the weak one tries to change the situation in his usual way - pleasing him even more. His efforts backfire. As the author notes, the right actions, on the contrary, are to relax and be natural.

Sooner or later, the weak person realizes that his work does not bring the desired result and begins to get angry.

But being afraid to push the partner away with anger, the weak one constantly suppresses his negative emotions. Soon, resentment can turn into hostility and hatred. Rage and helplessness can also lead to excessive jealousy.

In the struggle for the attention of a partner, the weak go to great lengths. Some use strangers to make the strong jealous. Others have the idea of having a child in order to tie a partner to themselves. Still others lose patience and raise their hand to their partner.

What happens to the weak when the relationship ends?

At the end of the relationship, the weak person feels as if his whole world has collapsed. He projects his feelings onto the outside world, finds refuge in sad films and music, feels a kindred spirit in any person who understands him.

Filling the void with normal daily activities helps to restore the rejected weak. Also, often the void is filled with spirituality and charity, shopping, thoughtless absorption of food or, conversely, starvation, alcohol, drugs.

An effective way to fill the void is the “I'll prove it to him” technique.

As the author notes, he has led to many very successful careers. The weak hope that if they achieve heights in work and receive a certain social status, they will make the strong regret leaving.

There are those who seek cruel retribution. Inflicting pain on the abuser becomes the weak's only goal. They spread dirty rumors, discredit at work, terrorize over the phone, use children - they make the life of a former partner unbearable. Sometimes an emotional breakdown leads to suicide attempts. But often it is diving to the very bottom that allows you to push off and start living anew.

It turns out that you cannot say that only the strong behave badly in a relationship? Is the weak to blame too?

Yes. The author himself went to psychotherapy sessions in the role of a strong and weak partner and realized that usually the strong is considered bad and sympathizes with the weak, because he wants to improve relations and become closer. But getting closer is the most difficult job for the strong one. The author believes that a distant partner is as much a victim of relationship dynamics as his other half.

Both partners should work and change, not just the strong one.

The imbalanced dynamics of the relationship must be changed: the weak must become more independent and attractive in order to awaken the dormant feelings of the strong. But the author insists that it is not worth saving the union at any cost. Some relationships shouldn't be reanimated.

How can you improve your relationship?

The key to a good relationship is good communication. Silence or constant squabbles do not bring your partner closer to you. Anger, criticism, resentment, demands further alienate people from each other.

To minimize resentment, you need to drop the blame. Analyze what you want to say beforehand. You can rehearse some lines in advance.

Do not slip into figuring out who started first, leave questions of love aside. Because you will get either a dishonest answer or one that you don't like. The discussion will be more effective if you stop worrying about how much someone loves whom. Discuss negative emotions, empathize with each other. Joke to defuse the situation. Make a plan of action in different situations.

What exactly does a weak person need to do?

Seek support from friends and family members; be kinder to yourself and not lose touch with reality, stating something like "I will never get married and will always be single", "I am not interested", "I am too fat / tall / bald / old."

Set a reasonable distance, stop pleasing and cheating on your partner. You need to change yourself, trying to change the other is a useless exercise. Take inventory of your talents and build strengths.

What exactly does a strong man need to do?

Take your feelings of a leader for granted and don't self-flagellate. Get rid of guilt, control anger, try to look at your partner objectively. Use a trial intimacy strategy as opposed to a trial breakup so that the weak person gains confidence and control over their emotions, and the strong can assess whether they can be closer to their partner.

Share little things, think over signs of love that are of particular importance for a partner. Talk about experiences and fears. Spending time with your partner is not quantitative but qualitative. Don't set conditions and be patient.

And if nothing comes out?

Even if you work hard on relationships and go to specialists, it is not always possible to revive the relationship. If you come to the conclusion that divorce or separation is inevitable, the author advises you to do it with confidence for the sake of your own happiness and that of your partner. If there are children in the family, do not use them as allies, do not blame the partner in front of the children, do not make them participants in conflicts.

Is this book worth reading?

If you feel that your relationship is skewed, read this book. She will provide not only rich food for thought, but also concrete advice on improving relationships. It contains many examples from the author's practice with a detailed and step-by-step description of how to act and how not to.

If you have teenage children in your family, we recommend that you let them read this book so that they can avoid stupid mistakes in the future. The work is written in simple language, with examples and repetitions of the main idea. It was first published back in 1990 and has earned many positive reviews from readers.