Having a baby to avoid divorce: what's wrong with this idea

What the facts say

The image of motherhood has been portrayed as ideal for decades. A woman is looking forward to the birth of a baby, then a child is born in a wonderful (and painless) way, and then she plunges into the world of interesting and exciting concerns.

Only recently have the media and scientific research been telling us that motherhood is really great, but not so cloudless. And most importantly: the birth of a baby will not eliminate marriage problems, much less save you from divorce.

Psychology professor Matthew Johnson says in The Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex, and Marriage that having a baby is likely to change the relationship with your partner for the worse. At least at the initial stage of parenting.

The professor studied research that had been going on for almost 30 years. And he came to the conclusion that a common myth is especially popular among young parents who are prone to feelings and believe that having a child will protect a couple from conflicts.

But marriage statistics show that the period of happiness and admiration in the first years after marriage is replaced by irritation with each other and relationships. This often leads to divorce. In 2017, 1,049.7 thousand marriages were concluded in Russia, which accounted for 611 thousand divorces.

On the question of why having children: statistics of marriages and divorces

The Institute for Relationship Research in Seattle (USA) cites statistics: within five years after the birth of a baby, 13% of marriages break up, about two or three families find that relations have deteriorated. If couples were not officially married, then the percentage of separations in the first five years of parenting rises to 39.

Scientists have even coined the term survival rate for couples. According to statistics, it is 55 (that is, the probability of divorce is 45%) for families where the child appeared in the first seven months after marriage. If later, the coefficient is already 0.85 - the probability of divorce is reduced to 15%.

What awaits a couple after the birth of a child

Scientists have compared the rate of decline in marriage satisfaction and noticed that couples with children are almost twice as high as those of childless partners.

The main difficulties are everyday changes. Things like feeding, washing, dressing your baby take a lot of physical and emotional strength. Therefore, with the arrival of the baby, your conversations will be about what products to buy and whose turn to change the diaper, and not about politics and arthouse cinema. This leads to the remoteness of the partners. Sexual relationships are also getting worse, and romantic text messages are giving way to photos of supermarket checks. Moreover, scientists find the same tendencies even in couples who have escaped formal marriage. Hacking the system will not work.

On the question of why giving birth to children: prospects for a couple

Characteristically, mothers who hope for better relationships are most likely to feel the consequences of their deterioration. Women are more likely to get up with their babies at night and take their baby to the doctor. They also seek to reduce working hours outside the home, which translates into increased employment for men. This creates a vicious circle of universal frustration: mothers feel socially isolated, and fathers an increasing responsibility.

Experts say that this risk increases with the birth of a second child. Samantha Rodman, a clinical psychologist and Ph. D., says she does not often see the parents of one baby at her reception, but families with two children are much more often. With the advent of the second child, the problems will only accumulate. Therefore, moms with one toddler are happier than with two or more, according to research.

There is evidence that parents of teenagers, in particular teenage daughters, are more likely to get divorced. Two million studied marriages in the Netherlands have confirmed this - problems with adolescent children often lead to divorce. Therefore, even if in the short term the appearance of a baby helped to improve relations, this does not mean at all that this will continue to be so.

The consequences of disagreement after childbirth can be severe: stress, depression, and ultimately divorce. Although at the very beginning of pregnancy, partners, and especially women, saw a completely different outcome.

How to help a couple cope with parenting difficulties

So what do you do? Give up parenting because of potential difficulties? Matthew Johnson says it's not that bad. There is evidence that the departure of adult children has a positive effect on parental relationships. In order not to wait so long, there are other studies that confirm: joint counseling with a psychologist helps to cope with all the negative consequences of family conflicts.

Although it doesn't have to be a psychologist. Scientists believe that friends, support groups, or even priests can help too. Therefore, you should not give up the happiness of parenting in fear of relationship problems. But hoping to solve them by having children is at least naive. And psychologist Carla Maria Greco says that if relationship problems are caused only by the appearance of a child, most likely the spouses will cope with this as soon as the baby grows up a little.

Experts believe that relationships will improve after the birth of a child only if parents talk to each other and do not forget to take time for themselves. Recommendations sound like this.

Go on dates together

Paying attention to your partner after the baby is born is difficult, but very important. Regular time together can help relieve tensions and strengthen relationships. Moreover, it does not have to be a candlelit dinner - a joint hobby and sports also bring people together perfectly.

Find a nanny, at least for a short time

Even before the baby appears, choose a nanny to leave the baby with her at least for a few hours. You can spend this time sleeping, relaxing, taking care of yourself, or hobbies together. Many parents rely on relatives, but it's always good to have a backup plan. Precious hours of free time will help save your marriage.

Work as a team

Successful parenting requires partnership. Only couples who make petty claims (like unwashed dishes or missed playing soccer with friends) are happy. Child health and family understanding should be a priority.

Ask for help

It is always important to know that someone will provide support, especially during such a difficult period in life as having a baby. Friends, relatives or other parents on the forums - the main thing is that you have someone to exchange experiences with.

Be patient

As the child grows older, the tension in the relationship usually decreases. Therefore, wait at least the first six months of your baby's life before making any major decisions, such as breaking up.

Try to improve your sex life

This will be difficult to do because physiological and psychological changes after the birth of a child are likely to lead to a decrease in desire. But this can be corrected by dialogue and respect for each other. Only with diligent work on the relationship will the child give a new life to the marriage.

On the question of why having children: the joy of parenting for many is the main factor of happiness

Whether or not you have children, breaking up can be prevented. But a toddler should definitely not be seen as an option that will transform a marriage.