I want to remake my partner. Is everything okay with me? And with our relationship?

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

To rub against each other is completely natural, but to break a loved one is not.

This article is part of the "" project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Is the desire to change your partner always a bad sign for a relationship?

Not always. Some perceive the desire for change as violence against the individual: "Either accept me as I am, or we will fail." But more often than not, people do not want to break anyone. They simply strive to make the relationship more comfortable, including through changes in the partner.

We must accept that each of us will change. Relationships, family demands it, and that's okay. It’s not normal to think that you don’t have to change in a relationship. This is a childish illusion.

Alexander Shakhov social psychologist, expert on gender and family relations

Another question is what kind of transformations to expect from a person? At the stage of grinding to each other, these can be household trifles. They do not require a lot of sacrifice: not leaving toothpaste open or cutting your nails next to food is quite simple. Problems begin when you want to change your partner's worldview, his character. Especially if you yourself at the same time appear in a sparkling white coat and stand in the position "Our couple would be perfect if not for you."

Why there is a desire to change a partner

You took off your rose-colored glasses

At the beginning of a relationship, feelings are intoxicating. The object of falling in love seems to be the height of perfection, an ideal without flaws. Over time, the hormonal storm subsides a little and it becomes obvious that there are still drawbacks. Longing for the old days, you decide to fix everything and polish your beloved to the ideal.

You were so in the mood from the beginning

Perhaps there was always something about your partner that pissed you off. But you pretended that everything was fine, and patiently waited for the relationship to become strong. Then, in your opinion, the person will not go anywhere and will acquire such qualities as you wish.

Your partner has changed, and you want to return everything

They say that people don't change, but they are not. A partner can cool down to old interests and get carried away with something new, change habits, rethink life and make himself completely different. Moreover, the new look will not necessarily please others. Whatever the change may involve, you have fallen in love with the other person and want to get him back.

You make your partner the scapegoat

The desire to change a loved one may be associated with your dissatisfaction with your own life.

We tend to transfer the cause of our failures, failures and unfulfilled desires outside: blaming it on the government, the weather, some circumstances or “wrong” qualities or actions of a partner. This allows our psyche to unload and not collide head-on with unpleasant experiences: anger, disappointment, powerlessness, fears. By accusing the other and expecting some kind of change from him, we thereby relieve ourselves of full responsibility for our contribution to the situation and its further resolution.

Mila Ilagina psychologist

The partner showed his true face

The relationship has moved on to a serious stage, and the person no longer tries to be good to you. He can manipulate, use violence, threaten. Or just be completely inappropriate for you. But the memories of how good it was recently are still fresh. Therefore, you want to fix everything with your love.

Looking ahead, let us note that if you are faced with violence, you must leave. It is pointless to negotiate with terrorists, evacuation is required here.

What if the partner is not happy with everything?

Work with your thoughts

There are no ideal people. Both you and your partner have disadvantages. As much as virtues, they make you you. Moreover, sometimes the cons can be part of the qualities you like.

Let's say a husband appreciates in his wife her rationality, punctuality, prudence, and the ability to plan everything. And at the same time, he is unhappy that she does not like spontaneity. But these are two sides of the same coin. The wife, on the contrary, appreciates in her husband that he is sociable, cheerful, the soul of any company. In this case, it is strange to be offended that a person devotes a lot of time to friends. Think about it: if a partner loses not only a disadvantage, but also an accompanying advantage, will you like it?

Sometimes, after some reflection, it becomes clear that it is not a character trait or habit that infuriates you, but possible risks or fears. For example, if a man was cheated on by his previous girlfriend, he can demand from the current one that she cut off all contacts with friends and wear closed clothes. At the same time, the current partner has absolutely nothing to do with it, she is punished for the actions of another person. It's about the man and his fears that need to be dealt with.

In general, first try to solve the problem on your side and accept your partner's flaws. Especially if these are not really minuses at all, but simply projections from your head.

We want to change the other person, because this is how we were taught from childhood: if you indulge - I do not love you, if you want my love - do not indulge, change. And we changed. And now we want to change everyone around for ourselves in the same way. Therefore, we live in the illusion that someone will come and change for us. Convenient, right? But no, it won't. You can only change yourself.

Anna Smetannikova clinical psychologist

Talk

If you are having trouble coming to terms with something, talk about it. Only normally, without violent methods, because you are not enemies. Threats, manipulations, whining and ultimatums are unlikely to generate a surge of enthusiasm in a partner.

For example, a girl doesn't like that her boyfriend plays computer games a lot. She thinks that he is not interested in her and wants to spend more time together. But her boyfriend is not a telepathic person. If he hears: “I don't like that you play so much! Choose: either a computer or me! - it will only cause bewilderment. Telling a girl about her own experiences has a much better chance of success. A partner can become imbued with a problem and find a solution: play less or spend more time with the girl without sacrificing passion.

Find someone more suitable

The idea of fully accepting a partner with any of his shortcomings is beautiful, but utopian. As well as the cliché that for the sake of love people are ready for any changes. What's good for romantic movies doesn't always work out in real life. It is possible that you simply do not fit each other in some parameters important to you. If no one plans to change and the relationship is causing suffering, it may need to end.