Why do some people turn you on, while others stay in the friend zone forever?

Physiological causes

We are attracted by the smell

Human scent is as unique as fingerprints. And he plays a big role in choosing a partner.

For example, women are very sensitive to androstadienone, a substance found in large quantities in men's sweat. In response to smell, women change their brain activity: stress levels decrease and mood improves.

Men, in turn, determine changes in the hormonal background by the smell of female sweat: when a woman ovulates, her sweat smell seems most pleasant.

Although, of course, none of them thinks: "Oh, the smell of his sweat cheered me up!" or "Now seems to be the best time to conceive."

Also, the smell of sweat contains other information that is important for choosing a partner. Studies have shown that genes in the major histocompatibility complex (MHC) affect sweat odor. This is a large region of the genome associated with.

People prefer the smell of a person with a different MHC profile than their own. Such preferences are beneficial for the survival of the species. The more differences in the genes of two parents, the less the risk of dangerous mutations in the child.

We appreciate the kiss

In 90% of all cultures on the planet, people in love kiss. Often, a kiss is the first sign of intimacy, and it can both strengthen and destroy the attraction that arises.

However, this may not be the case at all, partner. In fact, when kissing, people smell and taste the saliva of a potential partner - factors that can determine health problems.

It would seem that what a difference, because most diseases can be cured. But we are talking about a subconscious choice mechanism that was formed in the process of evolution. In the days of distant ancestors, the health of the partner was of great importance for the survival of the offspring.

Moreover, women attach much more importance to kissing and have a keener sense of smell and a developed sense of taste.

Evolutionary biologists suggest that the cause is at the cost of error.

If a woman chooses a sick partner, they may have weak children, and he himself will not be able to ensure the survival of the family.

Men, by the taste of saliva, can determine a woman's fertility. But since men have less sense of taste, they need more material to determine if a mate is right. Therefore, they prefer wetter kisses, open their mouths wider and actively use their tongue.

And we choose people by the architecture of the brain

Biologist and anthropologist Helen Fisher argues that human temperament is associated with increased activity in certain areas of the brain and the number of neurotransmitters - substances that are involved in the transmission of signals between neurons.

Using questionnaires and MRI scans of the brain, scientists found that the predominance of dopamine and norepinephrine makes a person energetic and curious, serotonin - cautious, calm and loyal.

Testosterone gives people an analytical mind, toughness, and emotional restraint, while estrogen gives sociality, empathy, and patience.

A large survey has shown that people with high levels of dopamine or serotonin choose partners with similar data. And those who have a lot of testosterone, on the contrary, choose people with high estrogen and oxytocin.

Psychological reasons

The partner is somewhat reminiscent of the parents

A partner can coincide with parents in character, temperament, attitude towards you, bad habits. He may even have physical similarities, such as eye and hair color or physique.

In one study, people were asked to rate the similarity of partners and parents of the opposite sex on eight characteristics. The participants gave partners and parents similar marks in all respects.

Moreover, the more they saw similarities, the better they felt in the relationship.

At least in part, this can be explained by the effect of simple exposure: when you see or hear something several times, you like it more. It works with brands, music tracks, and people.

It is not surprising that the features of the person whom you have seen next to you every day since birth seem to you more attractive. Your partner will not necessarily be very similar to the parent, but some common features and characteristics are likely to be.

We are looking for those who will support our type of attachment

According to John Bowlby's theory of attachment (John Bowlby), a person builds a relationship with a partner according to the model laid down in early childhood.

If a child receives enough love and attention, he feels safe and actively explores the world. In the future, he creates a strong relationship based on warm feelings and care.

If the child lacks love and attention, he can form either painful attachment to the parent, or ostentatious indifference.

When such children grow up and change objects from parent to partner, the very type of attachment remains.

A person is either jealous, suffering and doubts that he is loved, or refuses any attachments and avoids obligations.

However, he does not realize the reason for his choice. For example, he seeks to create an emotional connection, but at the same time chooses alienated and indifferent partners who provide him with a familiar environment from childhood.

It's hard to say if the attraction can be overcome if it drives you over and over again. For example, if you choose violent and indifferent partners or those who immediately sit on your neck. However, with proper awareness and reflection, you can find the origins of your preferences and try to change them.