4 false values that keep us from being happy

False values

1. Pleasure

Who doesn't like to have fun. However, you shouldn't make it your main value. Ask any addict how his search for pleasure has turned out. Ask the unfaithful wife who destroyed her family and lost her children if the pleasure made her happy. Ask the person who nearly died of overeating if pleasure solved their problems.

Pleasure is a false god.

Research shows that people who focus their energies on superficial pleasures become more anxious, more emotionally unstable, and more depressed. Pleasure is the most superficial form of life satisfaction. Therefore, it is the easiest to obtain and the easiest to lose.

Yet pleasure is advertised to us 24 hours a day. We have a fad on it. We use pleasure to numb pain and distract ourselves. But pleasure, while necessary in life (in moderate doses), is not enough by itself. It is not the cause of happiness, but rather its effect. If you adjust the rest (other values and criteria), pleasure will arise of its own accord.

2. Material success

Many people's self-esteem is based on how much money they make, what car they drive, and how greener and more well-groomed their lawn is than their neighbor's.

Research shows that once a person can meet basic physical needs (food, shelter), the correlation between happiness and earthly success quickly tends to zero.

In other words, if you are starving and living on the street in some Indian city, the extra ten thousand dollars will significantly increase your happiness. But if you're middle-class in a developed country, the extra ten thousand dollars won't make much of a difference. Working overtime and on weekends will bring little to nothing.

Overestimation of material success is fraught with the fact that it is ultimately placed above other values: honesty, non-violence, compassion. When people judge themselves not by their behavior, but by the status symbols available to them, this not only speaks of their superficiality. Most likely, they are also moral monsters.

3. Permanent rightness

Our brain is a flawed machine. We often construct erroneous assumptions, misjudge probabilities, confuse facts, allow cognitive failures, and make decisions based on emotional whim. In short, we are people, which means we make mistakes again and again.

If you consider your own righteousness to be the criterion of success in life, you will face difficult efforts to justify your own idiocy.

Moreover, people who assess themselves by their ability to be right in everything do not allow themselves to learn from mistakes. They have no opportunity to assimilate new points of view, to get used to someone else's experience. They shut themselves off from new and important information.

It is much more useful to consider yourself an ignoramus, who is still to learn and learn. So you will avoid many superstitions, you will not fall for illiterate nonsense, you will be able to constantly grow and multiply knowledge.

4. Positive attitude

And then there are people whose self-esteem is determined by the ability to respond positively … to almost everything. Lost your job? Fine! You can seriously take up a long-standing hobby. Has your husband cheated on you with your sister? Well, at least you understand how much you mean to your loved ones. Is the baby dying of throat cancer? But you don't have to pay for college.

Of course, “understanding everything in a positive way” has its advantages. But alas, life is sometimes lousy. And it would be unhealthy not to notice.

Denying negative emotions leads to deeper and longer-lasting negative emotions and emotional dysfunction.

To constantly tune in to the positive means to hide your head in the sand. This is not how life's problems are solved (although if you do not get confused with values and criteria, these problems will cheer and motivate).

This is life: things go wrong, people bring grief, accidents happen. It makes you feel bad. And that's okay. Negative emotions are a necessary component of emotional health. To deny them is to keep problems, not solve them.

The correct approach to emotional negativity is as follows:

their (negative emotions) need to be expressed in a socially acceptable and healthy way;
they need to be expressed with your values in mind.

[…] When we force ourselves to remain positive in any environment, we deny the existence of life's problems. And when we deny that there are problems, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to solve them and experience happiness.

Problems give life a sense of meaning and meaning. Avoiding problems means leading a meaningless life (even if it is outwardly comfortable).

Running a marathon will make us happier than eating chocolate cake. Raising a child brings more happiness than winning a video game. Starting a small business with friends is a lot of hassle - how to make ends meet - but also more fun than buying a new computer.

Yes, it is dreary, it takes time and nerves. Yes, you have to solve problem after problem. However, there is a lot of joy and meaning here. Despite suffering and struggle, anger and despair, later, when the job is done, we nostalgically tell our grandchildren about it.

Freud said: "Once in retrospect, the years spent in struggle will seem to you the most beautiful." That is why these values - pleasure, material success, eternal righteousness, a positive attitude - are not suitable as ideals in life. Some of the best moments in life are not filled with joy and success, knowledge and positivity.

Therefore, it is necessary to outline the correct values and criteria - and pleasure will surely come with success. They cannot fail to come when the values are correct. And without them pleasure is just a drug.

How to identify good and bad values

Good values:

based on reality;
socially constructive;
direct and controllable.

Bad values:

divorced from reality;
socially destructive;
not spontaneous and uncontrollable.

Honesty is a good value, because you have complete control over it, it reflects reality and is useful to others (although not always pleasant). On the other hand, popularity is bad value. If you put it at the forefront, and your criterion is "outshine everyone at a dance party", many subsequent events will be out of your control: you do not know which other guests will come and how bright and attractive they will be.

In addition, it is far from the fact that you will correctly assess the situation: perhaps you will feel popular or unpopular, while in reality the opposite is true. By the way: when people are afraid of what others will think of them, they often fear just that those around them agree with the crap that they think of themselves.

Examples of good and healthy values:honesty, innovation, vulnerability, the ability to stand up for oneself, the ability to protect others, self-respect, curiosity, mercy, modesty, creativity.

Examples of bad and unhealthy values:power through manipulation or violence, sex with just anyone, constant positive attitude, constant being in the spotlight or in company, universal love, wealth for the sake of wealth, killing animals for the glory of pagan gods.

Note: Good and healthy values are realized internally. For example, creativity and humility can be felt even now. You just need to tune your brain to it. These values are immediate, controllable and leave you in touch with reality, rather than being led away into a fictional world.

Bad values are usually tied to external events: for them to be realized, you need to fly a private jet, listen to your own righteousness forever, have a mansion in the Bahamas, or eat cannoli while three strippers give you a blowjob. Maybe it sounds nice. But bad values are beyond our control, and often socially destructive and dangerous means are indispensable to realize them.

[…] In general, this is a matter of priorities. Who doesn't want a good cannoli or a home in the Bahamas. But we need to sort out the priorities. What values do we put at the forefront? What values influence our decisions the most?

If we fail with values - if we set the wrong standards for ourselves and for those around us - we constantly go crazy about things that do not matter and only spoil our life. But if we made the right choice, then our worries are aimed at healthy and worthwhile things that improve our condition, bring happiness, pleasure and success.

This is the essence of "self-improvement": put more correct values at the forefront, worry about more correct things. For if you choose the right thing to worry about, you will have health problems. And if the problems are healthy, then life will go better.

If you want to learn to forget about difficulties, worry less about trifles and enjoy life, we advise you to read Mark Manson's bestseller "The Subtle Art of Don't Care: A Paradoxical Way to Live Happily."