The cruelest parenting book ever

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Konstantin Smygin, the founder of the book ideas service, shares with the readers of Lifehacker the key ideas of the book "The Battle Hymn of the Mother Tigress" - one of the most controversial books on raising children.

What is this book about?

"The Battle Hymn of the Tigress Mother" is a book about how Chinese women raise their children. The author of the book, Amy Chua, is a Harvard graduate, a famous and accomplished scholar of Chinese origin. Her book is not a scientific work, but a description of her own life, worldview, mistakes and achievements.

Many are shocked by the methods of education described in the book, some will even call them child abuse. However, it is worth listening to the author's point of view. Amy Chua notes that a Chinese mother is a figurative concept, it is not necessary to be her by nationality, the main thing is the method of upbringing. The Chinese women themselves may not be Chinese mothers, because they raise their children according to the Western model.

And how are Chinese tigress mothers raised?

If American parents praise their children for the slightest reason, and for no reason, then Chinese mothers believe that praise must be earned. But they do not skimp on criticism.

They have high expectations for the future of their children and a high opinion of their mental abilities. Chinese mothers value obedience above all else and strive for it with all their might. No independence and disobedience. These mothers always decide for themselves what is best for their children, and also do not tolerate objections. Children should completely obey their parents and not contradict.

Only parents know what is better for the child, what and how much he will do.

No going to other children's birthdays is a waste of time. They never allow their children to spend the night at a party. A minimum of entertainment, and if it is fun, then with benefit. To load the child with useful activities almost round the clock is the task of such a mother. Childhood is not given for entertainment, but for preparing a child for adulthood.

And what does this lead to?

The author points out that Chinese children honor their parents, they have no idea what can be contradicted, rude, go against. It is inconceivable for them not to help and support elderly and sick parents. In addition, many Chinese students are significantly ahead of their peers from other countries in school subjects.

Is harsh parenting related to Chinese traditions?

Yes. Such a tough upbringing among the Chinese is passed down from generation to generation. It is especially characteristic of emigrants, because in a foreign country it is necessary to start everything from scratch. The author is sure that only hard work and willpower will help to achieve something.

Was Amy Chua raised that tough herself?

The author's parents moved to America, achieved everything themselves, besides, they had four daughters (the youngest with Down syndrome). To live better and achieve something in a foreign country, they constantly worked and forced their daughters to work on themselves. The elders looked after the younger ones, studied only excellently, graduated from prestigious universities.

Amy Chua herself “rebelled” a little - she entered no closer to home at Stanford, as her father wanted, and left for the East Coast to Harvard. Another sister also went against the will of her parents and went to Harvard. At first, the parents considered it a tragedy, but then, when their daughters defended their doctoral degrees, they were immensely proud of them.

After that, the author's parents slightly revised their views under the influence of the Western worldview and relaxed their demands. They even took the side of the granddaughters when Amy Chua put excessive pressure on the girls.

What is important for a Chinese mother in her studies?

The Chinese mother is convinced that children should only do well. Even a 5 with a minus is already a bad mark.

Chinese parents feel that they have failed in parenting if their children do not stand out in school, if they are not the best students in the class.

The only indulgence is that you don't have to be an excellent student in physical education and drama. In mathematics, you need to be ahead of your classmates two heads ahead. If a child has a conflict with a teacher or coach, the Chinese mother always takes the side of the latter. The child must necessarily bow before the authority of the adult.

But isn't this how adults break the child's psyche and raise people obedient to fate?

Chinese mothers do not believe that they break their children with such upbringing. On the contrary, in their understanding, they build character and prepare for difficulties. In adulthood, there are ups and downs, and a child who has been so pressed and taught to resist will be able to withstand everything.

And besides studying, can the child do something?

Extracurricular activities are not encouraged for children to devote all their time to study. But you can do one thing. And in this lesson you need to be the best: have a gold medal, get first places in competitions.

The author gave her daughters to the piano and violin. The girls played music both on their birthday and during illness (on pills and antipyretics). Even on vacation, it was necessary to study for several hours. If the violin could be carried with you, then the piano was found in hotels, monasteries, libraries, restaurants, shops. Anything to get ahead of other children and show the highest result.

How does a mother tigress communicate with children?

To achieve her and the child's goal, the mother can insult, humiliate, threaten, blackmail. This is not considered out of the ordinary.

Chinese mothers do not rush about the self-esteem of their children and do not worry about how the child will feel.

Chinese parents are confident that their children are strong enough to survive humiliation and become better. In their opinion, the worst thing they can do is give up and not push. Therefore, they prove to the child by all methods that he can do what he thought he was not capable of. Chinese parents believe that this is the only way to best prepare their children for the future. Arming them with skills, a habit of work and the confidence that they can do what no one else can do.

How do Chinese women cope with vagaries and adolescence?

If Chinese children begin to be capricious, indignant, and defend their rights, the Chinese mother thinks that she has not coped with upbringing and begins to “educate” with redoubled or even tripled strength. Usually children give up and obey their mother, begin to follow instructions.

However, in her book, Amy Chua reveals that her youngest daughter did not give up. For a long time they lived in a state of war. Ultimately, both made concessions. The author believes that this happened due to the fact that they lived in America, where it is difficult not to stand out from the crowd, and the children look at their peers and want the same indulgences: walks, going to the cinema, and so on. In China, the majority is brought up according to the Chinese model, so there are fewer teenage riots.

What do parents ultimately expect from their children?

Chinese parents believe that their children owe them a debt. Parents live as children, spend exhausting hours with them at school, at competitions, concerts, controlling every step and every action, so they expect that children will pay back the debt for the rest of their lives, even if it ruins their lives.

In China, it is inconceivable that elderly and sick parents live outside of their children or in nursing homes. Even if the children are not allowed living conditions, they still take their parents to them. Otherwise, indelible shame awaits them.

Amy Chua found something useful in Western parenting?

Despite the fact that the author criticizes American upbringing, she used some aspects of Westerners in raising her youngest daughter. She allowed her daughter to choose what she wanted to do (and did not indicate what to do), she began to interfere less in the process, allowing her daughter to control how many hours she needed to do (and not stood with a stopwatch herself), whom to choose as a coach.

What is the conclusion of the author?

The author believes that the freedom in upbringing has spoiled children too much: they do not know how to work, achieve goals, give up at the slightest failure and do not use their abilities 100%. To achieve something great, you need to step over yourself, work to the limit of possibilities.

Is this book worth reading?

The author of this book is a Chinese woman, a successful lawyer, a professor at Yale University, a mother of two talented girls. She honestly and without evasion talks about how she raised her children in accordance with traditional Chinese values, what difficulties she had to face, what successes were achieved and what was not achieved.

With her sometimes shocking book, Amy Chua reminds us that only hard work leads to success, and nothing is given just like that.

Throughout the book, there was a slow transformation of the author's understanding: not all children work with such a system of upbringing. Everything worked out with the eldest daughter, and the youngest rebelled, and everything came to open hatred. The book is definitely worth reading in order to understand why professional music (and professional sports as well) is "scary", and to think a hundred times whether you and your child are ready for such sacrifices in order to achieve success. Despite some shocking moments like exposing a naked child in the cold, there is a lot for parents to take on board.

For example, a common situation is when children start doing something and, when faced with the first difficulties, quit. Parents believe that since the child does not want, it means that you need to continue looking for what he wants to do. But it is possible that this is what he wants to do, so over time he will begin to regret that he quit. In this situation, you need to insist that the child continues to study and overcome the barrier of temporary difficulties. And, moving to a new level, the child himself will be happy and proud of what has been achieved.