3 parenting myths: what we're doing wrong

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Is it true that children need to be praised as often as possible? Should we wean a child from lying? And are parental quarrels really so dangerous for the child's psyche? We have selected the three most pressing issues of education from the book "Myths of education". In honor of your birthday, you can get this book as a gift by the end of the week.

When raising children, we most often rely on intuition or norms accepted in society, but sometimes all our ideas can be wrong. To raise a child correctly, you need to look at the world wider and act more confidently. And also - to think critically and distinguish really good parenting methods from myths.

Myth number 1. You need to praise your child as often as possible

Of course, your child is special. And you think it's perfectly normal to constantly tell him about it, so he gets praised at least ten times a day.

However, numerous studies by neuroscientists prove that excessive praise can only do harm.

If a child is taught from infancy that he is smart and gifted, he begins to believe in his exclusivity. But the catch is that this conviction does not at all guarantee that he will study well. On the contrary, praising a child leads to learning difficulties.

By praising children for being smart, we let them know that the most important thing is to look smart and not take risks to avoid mistakes.

In other words: children who are constantly praised stop trying, so over time they actually cease to be smart. They just want to look like that, but are not used to making efforts to earn such a high status. Why do anything if you are considered gifted anyway?

What to do, you ask? Is it really not worth praising children? The answer is negative. Praise your health, but do it right.

Praise the children for their diligence and efforts, then they will learn that the reward and success depend on themselves. If you praise your son or daughter for being simply smart, you are depriving them of their ability to control the situation.

“I’m smart, so I don’t have to try. If I start doing something, everyone around me will decide that I lack natural data. If I do not cope with this task, then everyone will understand that I am not smart at all. This is the thinking of a child who gets too much praise. He does not know how to survive failures, doubts his abilities. His motivation disappears.

Such children do everything not for their own pleasure and the process itself, but only for their praise. Ultimately, they lag behind their peers and lose confidence in themselves.

Myth # 2. My child never lies

Perhaps you are sure that your little one never lies. And if it deceives, it is extremely rare.

We will open your eyes: absolutely all children cheat. This is neither good nor bad. It is just an integral part of a child's development. And one more discovery: the more you try to wean your child from lying, the more often he cheats.

These figures will surprise you, but they are confirmed by many years of research by scientists: four-year-old children lie about once every two hours, and six-year-olds - once an hour. 96% of all children lie every day.

How do babies learn to lie? And is it as dangerous as we sometimes think?

The first reason children deceive their parents is to hide their fault. They try to avoid punishment from an early age, without realizing that they can also be punished for lying.

Paul Ekman of the University of California is one of the first researchers to take an interest in the issue of children's lies. He explains how children develop cheating habits.

Imagine this situation. Mom promised her six-year-old son that on Saturday they will go to the zoo. Returning home, she looked at the diary and realized that they had a visit to the doctor on Saturday. When the boy found out about this, he was very upset. Why? In the perception of adults, mom did not deceive anyone. But the child took this situation as a lie. Mom deceived him.

From a child's point of view, any erroneous statement is perceived as a lie. That is, in the eyes of the child, the mother unknowingly approved of the deception. It is in these situations that children learn to cheat. They decide that since the parents can lie, then they can too.

But is a lie so terrible? Research shows that the habit of cheating at an early age is harmless and somewhat beneficial.

Children who lie at age two to three, or who are unable to tell themselves by age four or five, perform better on academic tests. Lying is associated with intelligence, it develops cognitive abilities, logic and memory.

Parents shouldn't fight her fiercely. Children only by the age of 11 begin to understand that lying is bad. Until this age, they are convinced that the main problem with lying is only that it is followed by punishment.

If you punish children for lying, you will have the opposite effect. They will become even more afraid of punishment, and, therefore, lie more often. Ultimately, this will lead to the fact that children do not understand what the real problem of lying is, do not realize how it affects the people around them.

Scientists have found that babies who are punished for lying do not lie less. They simply learn to lie masterly and are less likely to fall for lies.

To teach children the right attitude towards cheating, we must constantly tell them that honesty is good, that is, focus on the positive side.

Myth number 3. Children need to be protected from parental quarrels and showdown

We are fighting. The family cannot do without it. But many of us are used to protecting children from conflicts, believing that this is the right thing to do.

However, this is a delusion. You shouldn't hide constructive conflicts from children, and here's why.

In one study, scientists created artificial situations in which parents fought in front of their children. For example, the mother began to voice complaints to the father on the phone when the child was in the room.

Immediately after the situation was played out, the level of the stress hormone cortisol was measured in the children.

It turned out that when the children were present at the parental quarrel to the end and found out how it all ended, they reacted very calmly, and the level of the stress hormone remained within the normal range or immediately decreased after a successful resolution of the conflict.

“We experimented with the strength of conflict and the intensity of passion, but these factors did not matter,” recalls one of the scientists. “Even after watching a violent quarrel, the children behaved calmly if they saw the ending with the reconciliation of the parties.”

All this means that parents who are trying to end the quarrels that began in front of their children in another room are making a mistake.

The presence of children in constructive conflicts between their parents (without insults) is good for them. It develops a sense of security, learns to communicate and resolve difficult situations. If the child is completely shielded from such moments, he will not receive positive examples and will never learn to cope with conflicts in adult life.

This week our friends - - are celebrating their eleventh birthday. In honor of such an event, they have prepared many gifts for readers. You can get the legendary book "" and the book-quest "" with games and fun tasks for curious kids. Plus, there are great discounts on books for kids and parents.