How to survive in parenting territory if you are already an adult

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

This can be tricky. But the situation is simplified if you follow certain rules.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Western sociologists are surprised by R. Fry. For First Time in Modern Era, Living With Parents Edges Out Other Living Arrangements for 18- to 34-Year-Olds / Pew Research Center: For the first time in 130 years, people aged 18 to 34 are more likely to live with their parents than on their own. In Russia, the situation is similar: 16% of adults have never lived separately from their parents How many years do Russians leave their parent's nest? / Analytical center NAFI, and 36% left only after 22 years.

Many do not see anything wrong with this. On the contrary, a solid benefit. No need to pay rent or mortgage. There are always people nearby who can pick up a child from kindergarten, support with advice or a plate of hot borscht. Elderly parents in this situation will also be under supervision - if something happens, they can quickly provide first aid or call a doctor. Some families are comfortable in this mode, and any reasoning about how "right" and how "should be" is inappropriate here.

And it also happens that a person lived on his own, but something went wrong: financial difficulties began, he was left without an apartment, or an elderly mom and dad need care. In other words, the decision to move to my parents was forced. And even if the relationship in the family is warm, the presence of several generations in the same territory can shake your nerves.

What could go wrong

1. Old grievances will emerge

Even ideal parents have something to scold for. Previous grievances can be painful and can remind of themselves when a person is with mom and dad in a small living space. Especially if loved ones have not changed their behavior. For example, they were overprotective in childhood and continue to do so now: they indicate with whom to communicate, and the phones are cut off after seven in the evening.

Oksana Konovalova Candidate of Philosophy, practicing psychologist.

When living together, the main causes of conflicts and misunderstandings are three things: incorrect assignment of roles, priorities and personal boundaries.

You might think that the situation is greatly complicated by everyday life. But this is not the case. Everyday life is just an excuse and always a good excuse, a way to relieve oneself of responsibility for a bad relationship. This is the area into which emotions and internal contradictions are transferred. When relationships are built correctly, everyday life ceases to be a problem.

2. Conflicts over finances will begin

Especially if you have moved because of financial problems, such as losing your job. Parents may find it difficult to provide for you, or they will consider it wrong and as a result they will start to get angry, make claims, issue ultimatums. In severe cases, it can lead to economic violence: "If you do not do as I say, I will not give you money."

3. The lack of personal space will affect

According to statistics Housing conditions / Federal State Statistics Service, most Russians live in two-room apartments. If at least three people push each day on an area of 50 square meters, there is a great risk of irritation and quarrels. And if you add children, an old grandmother and pets there, you will need iron patience.

4. Disagreements will become more pronounced

There are probably at least a couple of your decisions that your parents are unhappy with. For example, they don't like your job, your partner, or the way they dress. And in the same way, you can be pissed off by parenting habits: watching too much TV and believing everything said or buying strange products that you see in ads. As long as you are at a distance from each other, such things do not interfere too much. But if a person looms in front of you every day, it can be very difficult not to start criticizing and grumbling.

How to live with your parents and not go crazy

1. Negotiate ashore

You can even enter into a formal written agreement. Indicate in it how household and financial responsibilities will be distributed, how you promise to respect each other's personal boundaries, what topics you commit not to touch on under any circumstances. Of course, it is impossible to foresee everything, but such an agreement will help define the framework.

2. Remember that you are in parental territory

Your parents are doing you a favor. It can also be difficult for them to change their usual way of life and endure a nearby adult with their habits and characteristics. Therefore, be more restrained. Do not criticize in vain, try to express your indignation and resentment more calmly.

Oksana Konovalova

Remind yourself that living with your parents, at least temporarily, is your and only your choice. Surely there were other options, but this one you considered the most acceptable, simple, convenient, profitable. And your parents gave you the opportunity to choose such a convenient option.

3. Behave like an adult

In stressful situations, people can take a childish position, behave emotionally and non-constructively. In communication with parents, this happens especially often: we turn into ruffy teenagers, and older relatives try on the usual costumes of mom or dad and try to scold or reason with us.

At the same time, it is possible to adequately build relationships and resolve conflicts only if both parties are in an adult position and no one is trying to speak from above, like a strict parent, or snap back from below, like an offended child. Try not to fall out of adulthood.

However, this approach does not put close relatives on the same level with friends and colleagues. You can't just cross out the fact that you are a son or daughter and they are parents.

Oksana Konovalova

Parents can and should be taken care of, but just like their child. And in some situations, you can even allow yourself to be fully a child and take appropriate care. This has nothing to do with the infantile position and does not interfere with psychologically communicating with each other at the "adult - adult" level.

4. Contribute

Even if you have lost your job and cannot find a new one yet, this does not prevent you from participating in the life of your family. Keep order in the apartment, cook dinner, go shopping, try to find a part-time job in order to replenish the family budget at least a little.

If everything is fine with your finances and you live with your parents for another reason, discuss all monetary obligations - who pays how much and for what - and comply with them. It's honest and grown-up. If one person does too little or does nothing, the others start to get very annoyed - which means expect conflicts.

5. Respect personal space

It's great if you have your own room in your parental home. Ask Mom and Dad not to bother you at certain times and not to enter without knocking. Behave in the same way towards them - tactfully and respectfully.

If you don't have a separate room, try to organize at least a corner where no one will disturb you. This can be done using zoning: separate part of the room with a rack or curtain. You must have at least some kind of physical territory that belongs only to you.

Oksana Konovalova

Psychological territory is completely yours. The fact that you live with your parents does not give them the right, for example, to interfere with your personal life. You can safely say that you are already an adult and there are things that concern only you. And manipulation also needs to be stopped - politely, but firmly. Otherwise, sooner or later your boundaries will be violated, and living together will become unbearable.

If this does not work out well, agree that each of you needs a time of rest: while one person enjoys being alone in a closed room, the rest will not touch him. Also try getting out of the house more often. Privacy and personal space help maintain peace of mind, and it will still come in handy for you.

6. Communicate green

Shouting, slamming the door, leaving home is sometimes nice, but still not very grown-up. If you are not satisfied with something, try to use nonviolent communication techniques. This tactic helps to negotiate peacefully with almost anyone. One of its main components is “I-messages”.

Oksana Konovalova

“I-message” is a phrase in which you do not blame the other, but talk about yourself, your thoughts and feelings in connection with the actions of the other person. For example, instead of "What, is it so difficult to wash your dishes ?!" better to say, “I feel like a dishwasher when I see a pile of abandoned dishes in the sink. I do not like it". At first, parents may be surprised that you began to talk to them so “strange”, but, as practice convinces, they quickly get used to and begin to reckon with what has been said.

A very useful communication skill for an adult is to make requests. “Please, wash the dishes myself,” is a good option. Even if it doesn't help right away, you can definitely start with this.

You should avoid generalizing phrases with the words "everything", "always", "never", "forever" and the like. "You never listen to me" is by definition not true. Why not say, “It's very important for me to share this. Please listen to me "?

7. Remember Priorities

It is important to understand what you are striving for: to maintain psychological comfort in the family or to assert that you are right. Combining these two desires, most likely, will not work.

If you focus on the first, you will have to give in to your parents on some issues. When we are not talking about violating your boundaries or manipulating, it is quite possible to exhale and leave the right to your point of view for the relatives. Let your parents vote for who they want, watch TV, refuse to use a robot vacuum, or worry about freezing in torn jeans. And even if your disagreements are more serious, it is still worth starting with peaceful methods of communication. Aggression will not solve anything.

Oksana Konovalova

Behind any aggression there is always a need for protection. If you feel anger, discontent, hatred, ask yourself the question: what exactly threatens your safety, what are you afraid of? If yelling at you, think about how you threaten the safety of the other person.

8. Assess your strengths again

Take a sober look at your relationships with loved ones. Can you call them warm? To what extent are your parents able to negotiate, accept requests and feedback? And you yourself? Can you behave like an adult in their presence or is it beyond your power?

If your relationship is not very good, it may be better for your emotional well-being to give up living together and look for other options. If the situation is hopeless, find someone who will morally support you: a friend, a relative, a psychotherapist.