Don't teach me how to live: why we succumb to other people's influence and how to get rid of this habit

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

As a child, we believed what our parents say, then we relied on the words of school teachers and university teachers, and now we consider the opinion of everyone around us to be the holy truth. Maybe it's time for us to decide what to do and how to behave?

You don't quit your hateful job because it's kind of prestigious. Don't walk away from a disgusted boyfriend or girlfriend because friends and family think you are a good couple. Look longingly at the mountain of weird clothes that you bought according to the advice of the sellers, but don't wear them, because they are weird after all.

Stop for a second. You know, this is not your life. That's not how you imagined it at all, did you? Where and when did you turn the wrong way, at what point did you decide that you were ready to become a person who pleased everyone, but did not understand what you really wanted?

Why We Let Others Decide For Us

Often the reason for this behavior lies in fear. We are mortally afraid of incurring someone's disapproval and being the object of sidelong glances.

Oh my god! What will Princess Marya Aleksevna say!

A. Griboyedov "Woe from Wit"

If you do what you want, and not someone else, there are always two options for the development of events. You can make a mistake and regret not listening to someone else's opinion. Well, they learn from mistakes, now you have valuable experience that will surely come in handy in the future. But it may be that you will be right.

For example, relatives vying with each other advise the girl to marry not to gouging Vasya, but to Kolya, who is positive from all sides. The girl chose Vasya and is happy, but Kolya's chosen one does not know where to get away from this bore, with whom it is inhumanly boring. Skeptics are put to shame.

Another common reason is blind faith in the authority of the interlocutor. Mom knows exactly what is best, because she is a mom. Here we get an interesting situation: we voluntarily deprive ourselves of the freedom of choice, shifting the responsibility onto others' shoulders. More precisely, it seems to us that the decision was made by someone else. In fact, the last word always remains with us.

Letting others decide what you want to do is pure masochism. This behavior is often characteristic of people with low self-esteem.

Choosing the role of a victim of circumstances and asking for universal pity is a sure way to feel needed. Only such a scenario has nothing to do with a happy life.

The scourge of well-mannered and overly tactful people is the unwillingness to offend the interlocutor with a refusal. As a result, we have to settle for something that we absolutely do not want. Everyone is happy, but we are left alone with vague doubts: it seems that we have just been used. Well, yes, that's the way it is.

Wait, who in general said that you need to be nice to everyone at all times? You are the same person, like those who ask you for something, you have your own goals, desires and aspirations. Moreover, they should be the priority. After all, if others are not ashamed to manipulate you, why should you be ashamed to refuse them?

How to unlearn living with an eye on someone else's opinion

First, understand what they really want from you. The influence of dozens of masks, these are not only cases when a person is taken by the scruff of the neck and forced to do something. You can push you to a certain behavior with the help of completely harmless phrases. For example, colleagues admire your organizational skills, but in the end it turns out that you are the one in charge of all office holidays and collecting money for gifts.

Every time you make a serious decision, think about whether you yourself want it or whether you are acting in accordance with someone else's will. Think carefully before agreeing to someone else's offers, even if they seem very tempting. And be careful with promises - sooner or later you will have to keep them.

Do not get fooled by provocations. The period when a person can be taken "weakly" should end in elementary school.

You are not obliged to prove anything to anyone, you are not faced with the task of impressing others with your courage, efficiency and other skills.

Even if you meet with resentment or outright rudeness, this is no longer your problem. Such methods are usually resorted to when the arsenal of reasonable arguments has been exhausted. When the opponent, instead of clearly explaining his position, starts yelling or burst into tears, it is better to just end the conversation. This is an attempt at manipulation, and of a rather low standard.

Don't be afraid to speak the truth and be open about what you want. By constantly adjusting to someone else's opinion, you betray your beliefs. Who is interested, for example, in the opinion of a sofa? It is soft, comfortable, and nothing else is required of it. If you don't want to look like an interior detail in the eyes of others, stop trying to please everyone.

The path to freedom from other people's influence cannot be called easy and pleasant. You will have to learn to say "no", you will face misunderstandings and the very resentments that you feared. You may even stop communicating with people who appreciated your notorious reliability. That's where they go.

The truth is that our life is only ourlife, one and only. With all the failures, mistakes and stupidity that we make.

There will simply not be a second chance, it will not be possible to start everything from scratch and act in such a way that everyone around is happy.

The main character of the video below behaves exactly the way it shouldn't. First, he listens to the advice of an offended friend, then succumbs to the authority of a car service worker, and as a result begins to doubt his own mental abilities. Our advice would surely help him defend his case with more confidence.

Psychologist's comment:

Influence is the use of specific means by which one person makes changes in the behavior, assessments, attitude towards something of another person. Means can range from an innocent request to threats and physical violence. In this video, we see one common means of pressure - resentment, and the main character, under the influence of his friend, goes to a car service.

A person succumbs to the influence of others, and this is normal. We are all social creatures and therefore strive for respect, love, approval, understanding of others. But it is important to separate the influence, which means positive change for you, and the influence, which destroys your life and self-esteem.

In addition, it is one thing when strangers are trying to influence you - it can be difficult, but in general you can abstract from it. A case in point is Coco Chanel's attitude to criticism: “I don't care what you think of me. I do not think about you at all.

But it is much more difficult not to depend on the opinions of loved ones whom we value and love. These are our parents, friends, relatives, people with whom we work and study. In general, all those whose opinions are not indifferent to us. If you understand that close people do not allow you to make decisions on your own and are openly manipulating, this is definitely a negative influence. In such a situation, we can advise two ways out: completely cut ties, if possible, or at least distance yourself.