What is self-gaslighting and how to stop devaluing yourself

Gaslighting is such a cunning manipulation and one of the types of psychological abuse. The aggressor first violates the victim's personal boundaries, says or does something that offends her, and then tries to convince her that she misunderstood everything, cheated herself and is generally too vulnerable and sensitive.

Traditionally, it is believed that only another person can gaslight: a partner, parent, friend or colleague with abusive habits. But sometimes we are our own enemies and aggressors and do an excellent job of self-depreciation. We will tell you how to recognize self-gaslighting, what it can lead to and how to cope with it.

How self-gaslighting manifests itself

This is the same gaslighting, that is, depreciation, denial of emotions, but only a person directs it to himself. Psychologists identify several main "symptoms" of this destructive behavior.

Ban on emotions

You have been told or done something not very pleasant, but instead of being indignant, at least mentally, you say to yourself:

"No, I misunderstood something, probably."
“The man certainly didn’t want anything bad, but I’m always making an elephant out of a fly.”
“It’s a shame to worry about this. People have bigger problems”.
“We need to look at life more positively! And they generally carry water to the offended."

That is, you do not allow yourself to experience negative emotions, to experience them. On the contrary, hurry up to quickly block such feelings, hide, find an acceptable and comfortable explanation for them.

Self-distrust

Suppose you remember that a loved one behaved incorrectly towards you. But you convince yourself that everything seemed to you and he probably didn’t do anything wrong, and you didn’t remember correctly. For example, parents allegedly could not hit, a loved one - to call, a friend - to laugh.

This technique - "rewriting memories" - is often used by real gaslighters. They try to convince the victim what she heard, dreamed, dreamed.

Self-doubt

You convince yourself that you are not good enough, smart, or talented enough to apply for a new job, engage in an interesting hobby, or enter into a relationship with a good person. And you also devalue your achievements: “Just think, you got promoted at work (lost 5 kilograms, started learning English, saved up for vacation). What is special in this and what is there to be proud of?"

Self-flagellation

"He probably called me because I did something wrong."
“It’s my own fault that people treat me like that.”

The ability to take responsibility and not try to blame the whole world for your troubles is, of course, good. But most often only the abuser is to blame for insults, violation of boundaries, emotional and physical abuse. If you did not attack first, it is not very correct to look for the problem in yourself.

Where does self-gaslighting come from?

There are several reasons.

Upbringing. The parents did not allow the child to freely express their emotions, they tried to suppress them. As an adult, a person continues to do the same.
Emotional abuse. If the person has been in a relationship with a toxic partner or friend who devalued their feelings, it may be difficult for them to trust themselves.
Defensive reaction. Sometimes it is easier to blame yourself and close your eyes to unpleasant events than to admit that a loved one hurt or something else happened.

How to stop devaluing yourself

At first glance, gaslighting seems harmless, but it can drive the victim almost to the point of insanity. People who experience this type of violence develop depression and PTSD.

Self-depreciation can also be bad for you. It lowers self-esteem, steals joy, and drives you into relationships with manipulators.

To cope with self-gaslighting, psychotherapist Rachel Otis recommends keeping a journal in which you write down your emotions and learning to change attitudes.

If you are prone to self-depreciation, you almost certainly repeat these phrases to yourself:

"I'm over-dramatizing everything."
"It's all in my head."
"Nobody wanted me anything bad."
"I made it all up."
"Nothing bad happened".

Rachel Otis suggests tracking such thoughts and attitudes and replacing them with others. For example, to repeat to yourself or write down such statements:

"My emotions are important and I have the right to feel what I feel."
“I trust my feelings and I know for sure that I was told something unpleasant. So my reaction is justified."
"My experience is real, and my memories are not fiction."
"This is not my fault, even if someone tries to convince me otherwise."