Anger management: how to use anger to your advantage

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

There are only four true reasons for being angry with other people.

The Danish writer and psychotherapist Ilse Sand in the book "Compass of Emotions: How to Understand Your Feelings" has laid out on the shelves the real origins of aggression and gave recommendations on how to channel seething emotions into a productive channel instead of a destructive one.

Each of us has moments when we are angry with other people. And it seems that there really is a reason for anger. Someone pushed you and didn't apologize. Someone was late for an important meeting, forcing plans to move. Someone climbs with their tenderness and stupid SMS when there is a blockage at work! You give vent to objective, at first glance, indignation, chastise the "offender" - and at the end you get a conflict, a spoiled mood, strained relations with others and other delights of an outburst of anger.

At such moments, many are comforted by the thought: "He was the first to start, I just answered." But this is not the case. It is extremely rare that anger is just anger. More often than not, we are angry at other people through no fault of their own - the reasons for the rage are hidden in ourselves. Anger is a typical secondary feeling that occurs only as a response to other, deeper emotions that we experience in connection with the situation.

These emotions triggering rage are in most cases based on one of four reasons.

1. Someone, in word or deed, intentionally or accidentally hurt your pride, humiliated you, demonstrated your insignificance. This is one of the most common causes of anger. Vanity is a painful point of all humanity.
2. Someone offers you attention, closeness, care that you are not ready to accept right now. The resulting irritation is self-defense, it works almost automatically.
3. Someone performs actions that are categorically contrary to your values and ideals.
4. Someone by their actions violates your plans and complicates the achievement of goals.

Identifying which of these reasons triggered the anger will make it easier to deal with the anger. Let's take a closer look at these four groups.

1. Managing anger when self-esteem is hurt

Anger that arises in response to criticism or humiliation is called narcissistic by psychologists. The reaction to it among the majority is predictable: people turn into children who repulse the offender and shout to him: "That's the way he is!" The more restrained and rational arises a different desire - to try to explain himself, to indicate to the counterpart that he was mistaken in his criticism, to get him to change his mind.

Unfortunately, these tactics often fail. If you flare up, the case will escalate into a conflict in which your abuser is unlikely to admit that you are right. If you start to explain, you will most likely be considered a bore and hardly listened to.

What it looks like in real life

Imagine a husband and a father (well, let's say, Kolya), who returns home after a working day, sees the wallpaper painted by children, his tired wife Nastya, and in addition, he also discovers a mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen. “You've been at home all day, couldn't you at least wash the dishes ?!” he flashes.

Nastya boils up predictably in response. She wants to shout: “You can't! Try to "sit at home" yourself, I'll see how you cope with two children, run off with them to shop, feed everyone, read a book with them, hang up the laundry! " Nastya is ready in the heat of the moment to list Kolya all the homework that she does, but he does not notice.

And, at first glance, Nastya is right. But if she gives vent to her resentment, it will only exacerbate the conflict.

What to do

Understand that anger in this case is a secondary feeling. Most likely, Nastya's indignation hides not anger at her husband at all, but two other feelings.

1. Sadness

Sadness due to the fact that a loved one sees Nastya not the way she would like to look in his eyes. Not a wife who puts a lot of effort into creating a “reliable rear” for her husband, to be a good mother for common children, but a lazy and sloppy.

If so, then the best way out is to voice your real emotion. Tell Kolya: "I am very upset that you are scolding me." Most likely, he will answer: "And what do you think I'm wrong about ?!" And only now the moment comes when it makes sense for Nastya to indulge in explanations, because Kolya expressed his readiness to listen to her.

2. Fear

This feeling is also often hidden behind narcissistic anger. Nastya is worried: if Kolya really considers her a slob, what if he doesn't want to live with her anymore? What if he starts looking for another woman?

If Nastya is really afraid of parting, she again needs to voice her feelings. For example, ask: "You say so … Does this mean you love me less?"

To this Kolya can answer: “I love you, but I'm so tired after work. I just want to come to a clean house where they welcome me to dinner. From an aggressor in the eyes of Nastya Kolya will turn into who he is - into a tired man who nevertheless loves her and her children. Fear will dissipate, and with it, anger will go away. And the problem of life can be solved without raising your voice at each other.

Restraining feelings is not always helpful - it can lead to other problems. However, it's good to know that you do have a choice of how you react.

Ilse Sand

2. Managing anger when we defend ourselves

This is also a common situation: there are times when we need to be alone. This happens when internal resources are depleted, and a person needs a break to gather strength again. Offering care or help at times like this is not always helpful. Unknowingly defending ourselves from the "invasion", we alienate loved ones.

What it looks like in real life

For the past three months, Nina has worked desperately at work, hoping for a promotion. But for some reason, the management made a choice in favor of another employee. Nina returns home. She feels exhausted and devastated, does not quite understand what to do next.

Nina's husband Sergey also comes home. He smiles, brings food into the kitchen, but Nina has neither the desire nor the strength to communicate with him. She silently begins to prepare dinner.

At this moment Sergey is trying to hug her playfully and Nina feels irritation flashing in her. She sharply shakes off his hand and wants to say: “Don't touch me! Better go peel the potatoes!"

Most likely, these words of Sergei will offend with all the ensuing consequences for family relations. In the morning Nina will wake up with the melancholy thought that she is neither appreciated at work nor understood at home.

What to do

Again, understand that the anger that Nina experiences in response to a touch is secondary. Her irritation is not caused by Sergei: it is associated with a completely normal desire to be alone for a while.

And it would be most reasonable to say about it out loud. For example, like this: "I don't want to talk right now, let me be alone." Or in other words: “Sorry, you have nothing to do with it. I need to think a little, okay? When he lets go, I will tell you about it."

Yes, in such cases it can be difficult to pull yourself together and formulate your feelings so as not to offend a loved one. If you find that you are not coping with your anger and pushing loved ones away from you, whom you still need help, it is worth discussing this situation with a therapist.

You can't waste your life suffering from the fact that we push away those whom we need so much.

Ilse Sand

3. Managing anger when someone denies our values

We are all different, and it is not surprising that our habits, behavior, ideas about "right" and "wrong" are different. Sometimes the differences are so great that they provoke anger.

What it looks like in real life

Masha loves her job, but does not like her colleague Inna Pavlovna, who catches her in the corridor and begins to talk for a long, long time about what Masha is completely uninteresting: about the dacha, seedlings, her grandson Kesha and chickenpox.

Sometimes Masha is ready to flare up: “Inna Pavlovna, why are you sticking to me! I also have a lot of problems, I don’t dump them on you! I appreciate your personal space, so you will learn to appreciate mine!"

But this is a destructive option: it will at least ruin the relationship. And as a maximum, Inna Pavlovna will remember that she is the chief accountant here, and this will not end with anything good for Masha, who occupies a position below.

What to do

To realize that all Inna Pavlovna's fault lies in the fact that she behaves in a way that Masha would never have behaved. And there are two options here.

First, you can try to persuade the "offender" to change the behavior so that it no longer contradicts Masha's life principles. This can be done by referring, for example, to the abundance of work. "Excuse me, Inna Pavlovna, I am very, very busy right now, the report is on fire!" - and repeat this mantra at every meeting.

Secondly, you can think about your own principles and, perhaps, revise some of them. That is why Masha tries not to tell anyone about her problems? Maybe she is afraid to strain others around them? Or does he consider them small and not interesting to anyone? But this is a manifestation of complexes! It may well be that colleagues, if Masha learns to share her experiences with them, will be able to give good advice. Allowing both others and yourself to talk about what “hurts” is not a bad decision.

If you place too high demands on yourself, you often get annoyed with those who allow themselves to relax.

Ilse Sand

However, when it comes to values and ideas, you have to take a different approach. If, for example, you care about the environment, then you will probably get angry when you see someone pollute it. And in this case, your indignation will be justified. Standing up for your values will make you feel much better. Well, to feel more confident, it makes sense to join an organization in which the value system is similar to yours.

4. Managing anger when someone disrupts our plans

In these situations, we do not get what we want, nor do they fall into any of the other three categories. Here are some examples.

1. It seems to you that someone is preventing you from reaching your goal (putting sticks in your wheels).
2. You are not getting what you want (frustrated).
3. Others violate your boundaries by touching your things or dancing with your partner too close to him. The latter provokes anger, similar to that of animals when a stranger invades their territory.

What it looks like in real life

Let's say your neighbor parks right in front of your garage. You can leave, but you will have to spend more time and effort on it than usual, and you are already late! The first desire is to kick the offender's car on the wheel, and when he comes out, lay out to him everything that you think about him.

To vent your anger seems like a good solution in this case. But, unfortunately, this will not lead to anything good. Most likely, you will hear from a neighbor something like: "I left the car for two minutes, and you staged a tantrum here!" or "Who gave you the right to talk to me in such a tone ?!" As a result, you will have one more detractor.

When you are angry, you have an unfulfilled desire. If you know exactly what you want and convey it to your opponent instead of anger, you will ultimately achieve much better results.

Ilse Sand

What to do

If you realize that anger is related to the fact that someone is breaking your plans, try to express emotions not in the form of a reproach, but in the form of a wish. For example, you can tell your neighbor the following: “If it's not difficult for you, please drive the car just a couple of meters to the left. Then it will be easier for me to leave."

Most likely, such a polite request will be fulfilled and will not turn into a smoldering conflict. Instead of an opponent, you will get a person who has already collaborated with you once - and will most likely continue to cooperate.

These tips are just a few of the secrets of anger management. In the book "Compass of Emotions: How to Determine Your Feelings", Ilse Sand tells how to recognize your true feelings and tactfully but clearly explain them to those around you. This will help you deal not only with anger, but also with other negative emotions - envy, resentment, shame - and squeeze positive opportunities out of them.