How and what to talk with a girl if shyness interferes

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

A must-read for guys who have difficulty communicating with the opposite sex. The article contains practical tips on how to overcome shyness, learn to have an interesting dialogue and avoid awkwardness. Plus several universal topics for conversations that will help out if your head is completely empty.

Meeting or talking to a girl for shy guys is a serious challenge. In their case, we are not talking about the usual slight jitters, but about a real tsunami out of fear and excitement. Sean Cooper, a man who has freed himself from shyness on his own, is sure that all these troubles are surmountable. Below are some of his recommendations to help you combat embarrassment and make your conversation more relaxed.

3 reasons to fear girls

1. Feelings of inadequacy

Just the sight of an attractive girl makes you nervous, and the thought of approaching her is terrifying. Why? Because you consider yourself unworthy of this beauty. Think of women whose appearance is far from your ideal. Surely their company causes less discomfort.

The point is that men make too far-reaching conclusions based only on the external data of a woman. But imagine: what if she is stupid? Or does she have no sense of humor at all? Or do you just have nothing in common? You do not yet know this person, but you are already sure of her magnificence (and your inadequacy to him).

As a result, the feeling of your own inferiority robs you of confidence and prevents you from expressing your individuality.

Advice: remember that appearance speaks more of genes than personality. So do not rush to deify a stranger and send yourself to the unworthy list. Better find out in practice what kind of person she is.

2. Obsession and unrealistic fantasies

Shy guys tend to choose one girl as the object of their dreams. Only a couple of short conversations or smiles can connect with a beautiful person: this is enough for a shy person to imagine a joint future in all details. What happens in the end? The guy winds himself up so much that when it comes to decisive action, he gets lost under the weight of inflated expectations.

You have thought about her for so long and turned her into such a perfect being that you are paralyzed by fear.

Sean Cooper

Another scenario: you finally dare to ask her out on a date, but after three minutes of conversation you realize that she is not that beautiful lady out of your head at all. And on the basis of three-minute communication, you decide to retreat without really recognizing the girl.

Advice: say stop to empty fantasies and channel your energy into communication. Well, remember that there are many cute and interesting girls in the world. Obviously, you shouldn't dwell on one with which you are hardly familiar.

3. Procrastination

Guys who suffer from shyness or have little experience in relationships can wait a long time for the right moment to talk, touch, first kiss. But the longer they wait and the more they think about it, the stronger the fear becomes.

Advice: act impulsively. All thoughts that appear after the first impulse are aimed at dissuading you from an act. In the end, it is better to do and regret than not to do and regret.

How to talk to a girl

1. Build the right conversation

Cooper mentions the chain message method. You've probably already used this technique, but it may not be entirely correct.

Its essence is as follows … Any, even the most insignificant information becomes a starting point. Then a clarifying question is asked. Based on the answer to this question, the next replica is built. And further along the knurled one.

An example of a failed conversation:

A: Hey! Where are you from?

V: From Chelyabinsk.

A: Oh, and what are you doing there?

V: Working.

A: Where, if not a secret?

V: At the factory.

A: And by whom?

V: Milling cutter, * &% + #!

Error A is that he approached the conversation too formally. As a result, it boiled down to a banal listing of facts, from which the milling cutter V.

Tip: rely on emotions, not boring data.

For example, instead of taking a survey, A could share his impressions of Chelyabinsk or ask B what she likes (or dislikes) in this city.

Second recommendation: develop the topic in several directions. This makes the conversation more complete. And even if one of the branches of the conversation turns out to be a dead end, you can always return to the other.

Exercise "Conversation Map"

Take a blank sheet of paper. In the middle, write a word that might serve as a conversation starter or that you often hear from girls. Now draw the rays that go away from it. They are the directions of the conversation. Formulate them as statements or as questions. The main thing is that they touch on emotions and values. The more directions you come up with, the better.

Example:

• Initial word: psychologist.
• Branch-emotion: how do you feel when you enter into such a close connection with different people?
• Branch Value: You must be a very caring person if you chose this profession.

2. Stop being afraid of silence

Sudden pauses in conversation, Cooper says, are normal. It's not normal that you feel awkward or uncomfortable about them. It is with these sensations that you need to fight.

The first thing to do is to realize that you are not a toastmaster, but an accomplice in the conversation. Don't blame yourself for not being able to react instantly and figure out how to continue the conversation. This will only increase the stupor.

The second rule is to stay relaxed. If you are nervous about silence, it automatically becomes awkward.

The third rule (and hint) is the natural continuation of the conversation. Situational comments can help here. The essence of the method is to pay attention to what is happening in the outside world, and not to frantically try to find a topic in your head (which becomes completely empty due to stress).

When you are relaxed and not fixated on inner search, the dialogue ceases to be tortured.

3. Learn to talk about nothing

Another problem for many shy people is that they believe that every conversation should be meaningful. At the same time, conversations are constantly taking place around, the content of which many instantly forget.

These are annoying or perplexing, and their participants may seem downright dimwitted. Nevertheless, these people have no difficulty in initiating contact and receive their dose of social interaction. And this is worth learning from them.

Where to begin? Stop thinking and allow yourself to be spontaneous. Stay in the present moment without worrying about what you said 10 seconds ago or what you need to say 10 seconds later.

Trust your brain, and do not try to squeeze all the juices out of it. In fact, it is a powerful device with a decent amount of information. You just need to let him do his job.

4. But just in case, have a list of topics

The prepared themes are like a cheat sheet: you don't have to use it, but you feel more confident with it. The circle of topics that you can talk to a girl about does not need to be kept in mind all the time. It is enough to outline it and leave it on the periphery of consciousness: if something goes wrong, you can always use it.

Sean Cooper offers nine areas from which to draw ideas for conversation:

1. Hobby.
2. Work, study.
3. Trips.
4. Entertainment.
5. Food, cooking.
6. Past experience.
7. Observation of the present (situational comments).
8. Plans for the future.
9. Human relationships.

As a training, you can come up with five example topics for each of these areas.

Another option is to talk about what you really know a lot about, and try to interest the interlocutor in this. In your field, you will feel more confident and will be able to open up.

Another alternative is to let the girl talk about what she understands, but at the same time remain genuinely passionate about the topic. A genuine interest is always felt. And attracts.

Of course, you should not follow all the advice at once. Try one technique, then another, practice in which situations they work best, or choose whichever is more to your liking.

Can you share your tricks? Then welcome to the comments.