I'm a girl and I don't want to decide anything: what toxic femininity is and how it hurts women

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Exemplary femininity is not always a good thing.

After the Gillette ad featuring men fighting and molesting girls came out, many started talking about toxic masculinity - unhealthy patterns of behavior that are considered traditionally masculine. A man supposedly should be impudent, rude and assertive, resolve conflicts with his fists, hide emotions, and not accept refusals from women. In connection with advertising, a lot of information has appeared that such attitudes destroy the psyche and interfere with building adequate communication.

But women, too, due to their traditional upbringing, negative attitudes and female gender socialization, also develop certain behavioral patterns that cannot always be considered respectful and effective. They are sometimes referred to as toxic femininity. Understanding what it is and why being a "real woman" is not always a good idea.

How toxic femininity manifests itself

I don't want to decide anything

I am a weak and stupid woman, I cannot make decisions and take responsibility for my life - let men do it better. They are strong, smart and level-headed. And their hormones do not jump. And in general, this is the way it has been from time immemorial: the man is in charge, and the woman is behind him. So my job is to obey, sit in the kitchen or choose dresses.

Of course, this example is highly exaggerated, and probably no one is arguing this way with all seriousness, although it is not excluded. But here the key idea is important: since I am a woman, then great responsibility and important decisions are not my fiefdom, because a man by his nature will cope with this much better.

This attitude is still found in both men and women. In addition, it is heavily broadcast by gurus of Vedic femininity, female coaches and other dubious personalities. Of course, this idea has very little to do with reality. Yes, men and women assess the situation and act slightly differently, but there are no biological or psychological reasons that would make a woman unable to make responsible decisions.

A woman should be a mystery

Nobody likes honest and straightforward women; such qualities are the lot of men. Therefore, in no case should you take the initiative, speak directly about your feelings, desires and needs. You need to endure dramatic pauses, make hints of different thickness, engage passive aggression and manipulation, otherwise suddenly everyone will know that a woman can also be angry, displeased and openly state about it.

There is a very common stereotype that women are very emotional and men are reserved. But in reality, society tacitly prohibits the expression of emotions by both. It's just that men “shouldn't” be sentimental, moved and sad, and women - angry, aggressive, unhappy and assertive. You can cry (but in moderation, of course), you can also be amazed at a child or a puppy, laugh iridescently at a man's joke - please. But getting angry and directly expressing complaints and feelings is already bad.

Because you need to remain sweet, obedient and comfortable, and if you want to say something important, then you should speak in hints, let others guess themselves.

By the way, this idea - that your thoughts and feelings cannot be simply expressed in words - are also very much loved by various “teachers of femininity”. Sometimes they even give recommendations like: "Punish your husband with silence and detachment, let him understand that he was wrong."

Girls need help and give in

After all, they are very fragile and weak, and therefore cannot move the chair themselves, open the can, stand in line, take off their coat, get out of the car.

Women are indeed, on average, weaker than men, but, of course, not so much as not to cope with basic everyday things. But at some point, society began to make a strange, contradictory demand on women. On the one hand, they must be weak so that men against their background feel stronger and more courageous. On the other hand, this weakness must be extremely ostentatious and disappear without a trace when you need to carry a child in your arms, bring heavy bags of groceries from the store or move the sofa back to clean the floor.

Sometimes this stupid attitude leads women to manipulate their imaginary weakness and helplessness out of a desire to appear exemplary feminine or quickly get what they want: “I'm a girl, I can’t do anything, I have paws. Help, save, yield, do for me."

Everything can be beautiful

Still, we saw this scene in the movies: an attractive heroine approaches the bar and, after shooting a little with her eyes or languidly licking her lips, receives a free drink from the stunned bartender.

Of course, in real life, no one behaves so cartoonishly, but some women still make attempts to get what they want with the help of a mysterious smile or a demonstration of a deep neckline. And this, like any other manipulation, is not a very honest tactic.

Well, they brought me to tears

Why explain something, learn to resolve conflicts, defend your position, look for compromises, if you can say: "Oh, that's it!" - and it is indicative to burst into tears? The surrounding people, especially men, after this it will definitely become embarrassing, and they are likely to give in, and they will also apologize, and the woman will get what she wanted.

If we are not talking about sincere emotions and a person cries not from resentment, sadness or anger, but because he wants to put pressure on pity or guilt, then this is manipulation, and very ugly.

Where does toxic femininity come from?

She grows out of female gender socialization

Gender socialization is the process of a person's assimilation of his role in society, depending on his biological sex: male or female. This includes upbringing in a family, and communication with peers, and acquaintance with the attitudes that are broadcast by that very society.

Well, everyone knows that a girl should be sweet, modest and obedient: "Don't climb the tree, that you are like a kid", "Again you washed the dishes badly, no one will marry", "Why do girls need this mathematics, their purpose is motherhood", "We give a boy a book, and a girl - cosmetics, she is not interested in anything else."

Be patient and do not complain, you still have to give birth. But at the same time, please be weaker. And more mysterious.

“The woman behind the wheel is a monkey with a grenade”, “A woman is responsible for the weather in the house, the family must be saved at all costs”, “I put on a short skirt - provoked, it is her own fault”, “A man is polygamous by nature, and a woman needs put up with it "," What did you do to prevent him from hitting you? " - all these are elements of female gender socialization.

Almost all girls, unless they are insanely lucky, hear such or similar attitudes from early childhood. They meet the images of a real “correct” woman in books, in advertising, in films and on television.

It is difficult to ignore all this and go against the tide, so that people inevitably develop certain patterns of thinking and behavior that they often do not even realize. And these patterns are not always pleasant.

Moreover, the demands that society makes on women are very contradictory, and this only aggravates the situation. It is completely incomprehensible who to choose as a role model: an exemplary wife and mother who endures everything, smooths out conflicts and serves a horde of children and a helpless husband in everyday life, or a languid, eccentric and always seductive intrigue, from which men are blown away.

It has to do with the desire for approval

If you play by the rules and do what everyone expects of you, life seems to be easier. People want to see a girl-girl in front of them - silly, weak, moderately capricious, one that fully corresponds to their ideas about a woman and does not break the template - that means that this is what you need to be.

After all, if you start to behave differently - choose a “non-female” profession, speak directly about your problems and claims, be decisive and independent, defend personal boundaries, position yourself primarily as a person - unfortunately, you still have to face misunderstanding and frank negative. Not everyone is ready for this.

It is associated with the desire to lose some of the tasks

We live in a rather strange and, one might say, critical time. Some of the old traditions and patterns of behavior seem to be a thing of the past, but not quite. The woman got the opportunity to work and be considered a full-fledged person, but in a patriarchal society, not everyone has come to terms with the idea that life and raising children in this situation should be divided equally.

So, a woman often has not only work, but also childcare, most of household chores, managerial functions in the family, emotional "service" and the notorious weather in the house.

That is why the thought “So I'm a girl!” Seems so seductive! You can play a fool out of yourself, blink your eyes and sit beautiful in a dress. " This is partly why Vedic femininity has become so popular in the post-Soviet space: its ideological inspirers propose to throw off at least part of the responsibility and "work" only as a muse, fairy and inspirer.

How toxic femininity harms and why it should be abandoned

Toxic femininity sometimes plays into the hands of women, allows them to evade a couple of duties, to achieve "wishes" by manipulation, or to get social stroking. But the harm from it is much more. Moreover, it harms primarily the women themselves.

She reinforces stereotypes

It turns out that "feminists on the Internet" write that women are full-fledged strong personalities who can achieve everything on their own, but in real life, no, no, and even sees helpless young ladies who cannot carry a chair to the next room, laugh at silly male jokes, demand to be provided, communicate in hints, and so on.

And although such examples are becoming less and less, they are still enough for women in general to periodically refuse to be taken seriously.

She teaches helplessness

At some point, the regime of "stupid and helpless princess" can become a habit, especially if others played along with pleasure: they heroically saved, solved problems, opened banks, bought dresses and lisped.

And when this image becomes a natural state, it can be very difficult to get out of it and start behaving like an adult responsible person, and not a little girl.

It interferes with building normal relationships

It is quite difficult to do this if people, instead of communicating normally and openly, play games: someone is manipulating, and someone is being manipulated.

If even one participant is forever "in the role", it is almost impossible to achieve trust, honesty, equality, mutual support and other good things. It is much more likely that the relationship will eventually fall apart or become codependent and abusive.