How to survive the death of a loved one

1. Accept your feelings

In our culture, it is not customary to teach condolences. Therefore, immediately after the tragic events, you will hear many times from others that you need to hold on. But it is normal to be sad, worry and suffer in this situation.

Adriana Imzh consultant psychologist

We are all different. That is why, even in the materials about the reaction of schoolchildren on the mountain, they write that some children will ask for care, others will be angry, others will eat, some will cry, and some will fall into a stupor. The psyche copes (and does not) cope with the load in different ways.

2. Allow yourself to experience in a way that suits you

You probably have a template in your head of how a person should behave during tragic events. And it may not match at all how you feel.

Trying to cram yourself into the idea of what you are supposed to experience will add guilt, anger to grief, and it will become even more difficult to get through the situation. So allow yourself to suffer naturally, without living up to someone's (including your) expectations.

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3. Look for support in advance

There are days that will be especially difficult: birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates associated with a departed person. And it is better to take care in advance of creating an environment in which it will be a little easier for you to get through this time.

According to Adriana Imzh, it is important to remember that, despite some existing calendar (9 days, 40 days, a year), each person experiences time in their own way: someone is able to meet with grief only after a few months, when the shock releases, and someone is already in order by the same date.

If the grief lasts for several years, it means that the person is "stuck" in the experience. In a sense, it's easier this way - to die with the one you loved, to stop your world with him. But he hardly wanted this for you.

Adriana Imzh consultant psychologist

And of course, even those who are trying to live on have difficult days: when something is remembered, a flashback happened, or simply "inspired by music." Crying, feeling sad, remembering is normal, if your whole life does not consist of it.

In difficult situations, ask a friend for support or lock yourself in a room with a photo album and handkerchiefs, go to the cemetery, wrap yourself in your loved one's favorite T-shirt, sort through his gifts, take a walk where you liked to walk with him. Choose ways to deal with sadness that make you feel better.

4. Limit unpleasant contacts

In an already difficult time, you will most likely have to communicate with different people: distant relatives, family friends, and so on. And not all of them will be pleasant.

Limit unwanted contacts so as not to add negative emotions to yourself. Sometimes it is better to communicate with a stranger on the Internet than with a second cousin, simply because he understands you, but she does not.

But, according to Adriana Imge, it is still worth accepting condolences, since in our culture it is just a way to give you space to grieve.

Yes, these people may not experience loss the way you do. But they understand that you are sad. They acknowledge that the person has died, and this is important. Better that way than when everyone is indifferent and you are not allowed to experience your emotions.

Adriana Imzh consultant psychologist

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5. Don't be surprised at your fears and worries

We know we are mortal. But the loss of a loved one usually sharpens the understanding that this can happen to anyone. Sometimes this leads to numbness, increases the fear of death, understanding of the meaninglessness of being, or, conversely, causes an excruciating thirst for life, sex, food or adventure. There may be a feeling that you are living wrong, and a desire to change everything.

Give yourself time before doing anything. In therapy, this is called the 48-hour rule, but in the case of severe loss, the wait can be longer.

Adriana Imzh consultant psychologist

Most likely, the idea of shaving your head, leaving your family and leaving as a freelancer to the Seychelles is not the only one. Let it settle, and then act if the desire is not lost. Perhaps in a couple of days it will change somewhat.

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6. Drink less alcohol

Sometimes alcohol seems to be the solution to all problems. But getting drunk and forgetting is a short-term way to deal with them. Alcohol is a powerful depressant that negatively affects the central nervous system.

People who drink alcohol are less able to cope with stress and make more destructive decisions. It is also important to remember that sugar (found in both sweet and alcohol) increases the experience of stress, so it is best to refrain from consuming it.

Adriana Imzh consultant psychologist

7. Take care of your health

Grief is exhausting anyway, do not aggravate the situation. Eat regularly and in a balanced way, walk, try to sleep about eight hours a day, drink water, breathe - very often in grief, a person forgets to exhale. Do not add stress to the body by giving up your health.

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8. See a psychologist

If you can't get through the situation on your own and it doesn't feel better for you for a long time, find a specialist. A psychologist will help you find out what exactly prevents you from getting out of a depressed state, expressing feelings, saying goodbye to your loved one and just being with you in this difficult situation.

9. Don't be ashamed to continue living

The person close to you has died, and you continue to live, and this is normal. Quite often we have a false sense of injustice: died too young, died before me, died because of nonsense.

But the truth is, death is part of life. We all come to die, and no one knows how long and how he will live. Someone left, someone remained to preserve the memory of the departed.

Adriana Imzh consultant psychologist

It can be difficult to lead a familiar way of life and learn to smile and rejoice anew. Don't rush yourself if it doesn't work out yet. But it is in this direction that we need to move, says Adriana Imzh.

Not only because the one you lost would surely want to. But also because this is what makes any life, including the life of a departed person, important: we honor his memory, respect his path, and do not make a weapon of self-destruction out of his death.