Why does a loved one say one thing and do another

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

There is no one-size-fits-all answer, but there are a couple of ideas on what to do about it.

"I want to be with you all the time!" - says the person and on the same evening, instead of making an appointment with you, he meets with his friends. Or privately declares his sympathy and invites you to be together, and in the presence of other people introduces you as his friend or girlfriend. If this happens, then your partner is sending you mixed signals.

What are mixed signals and what they are

These are any conflicting and inconsistent messages. For example, when words and actions diverge, or when a partner says one thing, but his intonation and facial expressions at the same time scream about something completely different. Here are some examples of such messages.

The partner is in no hurry to call a relationship a relationship

You meet for a while: go to cafes and movies, hold hands, kiss, have sex. But here's the catch: you already call your new passion your boyfriend or girlfriend and told your friends about the relationship. But she is in no hurry to designate your status and does not seem to consider you a couple. If someone asks about your communication, the person may even say that you are just friends.

Emotional swing rides you

Everything is fine today: a romantic evening, tenderness, warm words, fabulous promises. And tomorrow the situation changes dramatically: a person behaves aloof, gives cold monosyllabic answers, or disappears from the radar altogether for some time.

The partner continues to flirt with others

You seem to be together, and the relationship was not meant to be open. But your partner behaves as if he is still in search: flirting with others, looking for new acquaintances, in no hurry to delete the profile from Tinder.

They hide you from friends and family

You are sure that you have a serious relationship. But friends and family of your passion are not even aware of your existence.

You are planning a future together, but nothing happens

The partner talks about the wedding and children. Or maybe he expresses a desire to move in or go on vacation together. But the words remain just words: no one is looking for an apartment, no one turns to wedding organizers, no one chooses a suitable tour. And so it is repeated from time to time.

The partner says he will change for you, but does not even try to do it

He promises that he will quit drinking, smoking and swearing, that he will play less with the console, get a normal job, and solve health problems. But things are still there.

Man communicates with ex

Moreover, this communication is not episodic, but rather dense. Constant messaging, phone calls, maybe even meetings.

The partner does not show feelings in public

Doesn't kiss you, doesn't hug you, doesn't even take your hand. From the outside, you just look like friends or acquaintances, nothing more.

Why such messages are sent and how to interpret them

Mixed messages can make relationships very confusing. They make you pretty nervous and spend hours trying to figure out what your partner means. Maybe everything is very bad and he is not interested in you? Or are you being manipulated? What if you're just screwing yourself up and the person doesn't really mean anything terrible?

This is where the main difficulty lies: mixed signals can mean anything. There is no dictionary that will help you find the only correct interpretation of each action. But psychologists identify several reasons for this behavior.

Everything is really bad

Your partner has no feelings for you. Or uses you as a fallback until he finds someone more suitable. Or maybe he really manipulates you, plays with your feelings in order to bind you and pull you deeper into an abusive relationship. None of these scenarios can be ruled out.

Not everyone knows how to express their feelings in an accessible way

Or they are shy. And the partner may also fear that being open will make him too vulnerable. It is for these reasons that he can be overly restrained or even cold.

Internet distorts communication

If we see in front of us not a living person, but only letters on the screen, it can be difficult to understand what the interlocutor really means. Real room for misunderstandings and misinterpretations.

So you propose a meeting, and you get the answer: "It won't work: a lot of work." What is this - rudeness and indifference? Or is the person really very busy and unable to write large, detailed messages?

Another situation. You write long affectionate messages with a bunch of emoticons, joke, send funny stickers. And they answer you sparingly: the messages are short and only to the point, without a single parenthesis or emoji. Is this an innate restraint or a sign that a person is not interested in you? Without seeing the facial expressions of the interlocutor, without hearing his intonations, it is almost impossible to understand.

Attachment is to blame

According to psychologists Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver, attachment is formed in our childhood under the influence of loved ones. Already in adulthood, her type determines how we will build relationships.

Avoiding attachment is one of the reasons why a person is in no hurry to express his feelings, hides, pushes those he loves away from himself, sends them conflicting messages. Such people are distrustful and afraid of close relationships.

What to do if you cannot decode your partner's signals

There is no universal recipe here. The only way to find out what a person means is to talk to him. Even if he doesn't answer directly, his reaction will help you figure out what's on his mind.

• Share your feelings and concerns. Outline the situation, explain what worries you and why.
• Do not attack or blame, do not jump to conclusions. Use self-messages: "When you are texting with your ex, I am afraid that there are still feelings between you and I feel unnecessary."
• Listen carefully to the other side. Events can develop in different ways. Perhaps a person will go to an open dialogue and explain what his behavior means. This is definitely a good sign: both of you are ready to resolve conflicts and are not going to hush up problems. Or maybe he will attack you, try to move the arrows, show aggression. Or he will assure you that everything seemed to you and you yourself thought of something for yourself. All of these are warning signs: perhaps a person is prone to emotional abuse.
• Be honest with yourself and others. Sometimes a partner behaves contradictory, because he cannot understand you and your attitude towards him. For example, if you are trying to show your best side or trying to keep your distance. Mutual honesty can help make relationships closer and communication clearer.