What to do if your loved one drinks too much

Dealing with this problem is difficult, but possible. Psychiatrist and professor of neuropsychopharmacology David Nutt wrote about ways to help relatives in his book “To drink or not to drink? The New Science of Alcohol and Your Health. This man can be trusted: in the 2000s, he was even the main scientific adviser to the British government on drug policy.

The book will be published in Russian in August by Alpina Publisher. Lifehacker publishes a fragment of the seventh chapter.

If you want to talk about his drinking, don't do it until he's sober. Otherwise, it is completely useless: in a state of alcoholic intoxication, the mind turns off. In addition, a drunk person may react in a completely different way than you expect.

We know that pressure and support from family, loved ones, and friends can work - to make the drinker want to quit. However, no doctor can force your spouse or partner to come to an appointment; the alcoholic must make this decision for himself. If you are a partner or relative of an alcoholic and you managed to strike up a frank conversation with him about it, this is already a good start.

What if your partner is drinking too much?

Many people refuse to have affairs with smokers, and I would recommend the same approach to relationships with people who abuse alcohol. Although, of course, such advice is of little use if you have been in this relationship for a long time.

If your partner tells you that he or she is worried about his own drinking, it is helpful to start tracking how much he or she drinks, just as you would track your loved one’s diet if he told you he wants to lose weight. This way you can nudge him to slow down or stop. This is an effective help that will prevent your loved one from sliding into alcoholism.

But since you're reading this, I think you've tried it before.

If you are seriously worried, the best thing to do is to record for several weeks how much your spouse drinks and what consequences this leads to. At the right time - when he's sober, you both have enough time and you are alone - try to discuss your observations with him.

If your partner says he shares your concerns, you can work together to develop a harm reduction strategy for binge drinking (see Chapter 9 for how to do this). You can set aside special days for drinking or set a limit for the evening.

If you need to convince him, you should stock up on visual evidence: for example, record a video so that the person can watch how he behaves while intoxicated. You can discuss the problems caused by his drinking: quarrels with you, troubles at work, ruined relationships with children.

Instead of getting angry, stay calm and analyze the problem clearly. The state of intoxication is usually followed by a phase of remorse, when you have a real chance to get the drinker to admit that changes are not only necessary for you, that they are primarily in his interests. You can invite him to read this book: it will support your argument in favor of quitting drinking altogether, or even slowing down a little, is a good idea.

You can ask him to make an appointment with a therapist and check his health. General practitioners are trained to ask questions and pay attention to signs of alcohol abuse; in addition, a diagnosis of hypertension, poor liver health, or a suspicious x-ray can be a powerful stimulus for change. If your partner is suffering from a mental illness that is pushing him to the bottle (such as bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, or OCD), encourage them to see a specialist.

If it's all about work-related stress, you can suggest some other way to relieve stress.

If the main subject of concern is the behavior of your partner in a state of alcoholic intoxication, family or individual psychotherapy will be of great help: the help of an uninterested person in working out sensitive issues can be very useful.

You don't have to leave your family just because your partner is an alcoholic. After all, alcoholism is a mental disorder, just like depression, and abandoning loved ones who are sick with depression is somehow not accepted. Many alcoholics can and do overcome their addiction. But if your partner is behaving aggressively, refusing to seek help, and ruining your life or your children’s life, then it’s really time to leave. For help, you can contact your doctor or Al-Anon, which has a 12-step program of support groups for alcoholic partners.

What if your child is abusing alcohol?

The complexity of this situation is that you do not know how much your child drinks if he drinks not with you, but in the company of friends. But if he comes home drunk, vomits him up, he has a severe hangover, most likely he abuses alcohol. Especially if it happens on a regular basis.

Usually adolescents and young people make the excuse that they are not doing anything that their friends would not do. Your job is to explain that doing what still doesn't mean behaving wisely. In conversation - if the child agrees to talk with you - you need to rely on reasoning and evidence. You can borrow facts from this book or invite him to read it on his own.

Try to start by asking, “Don't you think you drink more than your mates? How do you feel in the morning after drinking?"

Discuss what will change for the better in his life if he stops hanging out in bars and getting drunk. Maybe there will be more time for your favorite sport and other activities? Maybe you could do something together in your free time?

If the child refuses to talk to you about this topic, things are bad. Try to get support. There are charitable organizations that specialize in this area. If the child is drinking at your expense, stop sponsoring him. If he is still a minor, notify his doctor.

What if one of your parents is abusing alcohol?

If you are a minor child of an alcoholic, please talk to someone. For example, with a teacher or with one of the relatives. You can call the helpline 8 800 2000 122 - a helpline for children, adolescents and their parents in Russia. for children and adolescents. You are not alone: roughly 1 in 10 adults are known to suffer from alcohol dependence, which means that 1 in 10 parents are also alcoholics. We know that school-age children sometimes have to take care of their alcoholic parents. And we know that some of them have to do this on a daily basis.

When I answered the phone calls of BBC Radio 4 listeners on a show about the impact of drunkenness on our lives, a record number of listeners called me. Even elderly people called, who still cannot survive and forget what happened to them many years ago through the fault of their drinking parents.

If you are the adult child of an alcoholic, check out the advice I gave to alcoholic partners. You can of course also call the helpline mentioned above.

What if your friend or relative drinks too much?

All the tips listed in the section for partners will work in this case too. It will not be easy for you: most likely, you do not live with this person and he is unlikely to willingly go into conversation. He may simply refuse to talk to you and will deny that drinking is harming him. The situation can turn against you: you can lose a friend, and a relative can cut off all contacts. If so, be comforted by the thought that you have done your duty. And if this person ever changes, he may come back to thank you for pushing him to change.

"To Drink or Not to Drink?" By David Nutt

In his book, David Nutt uses the latest scientific evidence to offer a calm and objective view of alcohol. "To drink or not to drink?" useful to everyone who wants to understand their relationship with alcohol and understand how to prevent the development of addiction.

"Alpina Non-Fiction" gives the readers of Lifehacker a 15% discount on the paper version of the book "To Drink or Not to Drink?" by promo code DRINK21.