What to do if you and your loved one have different outlooks on life

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

It will be hard. But it is not necessary to part.

What Differences Can Lead to Conflicts

You get to know each other, fall in love, but soon find out that you look at the world in a completely different way with your partner. Or you have been living together for a long time, but the person suddenly changes his point of view on an important issue for you, and the relationship turns into a battlefield. The reasons for discord in general can be any, but we will note the most frequent and serious ones.

Finance

According to the Levada Center, 16% of Russian couples surveyed quarrel because they cannot decide who is in charge of the finances in the family. Money becomes the basis for conflict even more often than betrayal or problems with sex, and Russians consider poverty to be the main reason for divorce.

In an ideal world, couples would discuss such issues at the dawn of a relationship and either seek a compromise or break up to find someone with similar views. But in reality they rarely talk about money, fearing to spoil the romance or seem materialistic. As a result, many problems, such as loans, the desire to single-handedly manage money in the family, different financial goals, are revealed when people have already started living together or got married.

Everyday life

Almost a quarter of Russians swear because of the distribution of household responsibilities. Household work is still mainly done by women, although 9 out of 10 interviewed housewives would like their husbands to help them more. An equal division of labor could increase satisfaction and happiness in couples.

Different views on food, cleanliness and order, the general level of comfort in the home can also be a cause for disagreement.

Gender stereotypes

If the views of the couple coincide, for example, you both adhere to the patriarchal model of the family and believe that the man is the leader and the woman is the follower, then you are unlikely to have conflicts on this topic. But when partners are on opposite sides of the barricades, there will be many reasons for quarrels.

Children

Someone does not want to have children at all, while others are planning at least three. It is best to find out about your partner's views on this matter before you start a family. And even if your opinions coincide here, there may be many difficulties ahead. Teach a child to read from the age of two or from five, send him to football or dancing, and how to educate in general? In search of answers to these questions, many copies can be broken.

Bad habits

It will be difficult for an avid smoker and someone who cannot stand the smell of tobacco to get along together. The same goes for other addictions. It seems that people with very different lifestyles should not converge, but reality confirms the opposite. As a result, drunkenness becomes the cause of quarrels in 6% of respondents, and in 7% / ref] cases leads to a break.

Politics

Different political views (one of the partners is a conservative, the other is a liberal, one supports the current government, the other the opposition) may well be a reason for abuse. This is exactly what happened [ref]

3% of the respondents. And 5% completely broke off relations with someone close to them due to a mismatch in positions.

Religion

This is one of those areas where you can successfully avoid conflicts for a long time. But if an atheist and a believer (or representatives of different confessions) decide to get married and have children, then talking about weddings and baptisms can pretty much spoil their mood.

What if you are very different

Due to the discrepancy between personal interests and outlook on life, according to VTsIOM, 12% of marriages are destroyed. Another 32% of respondents quarrel with their soul mate because of this. It may seem that it is easier not to enter into an alliance at all with a person who looks differently at things that are important to you. But different views are not a reason to bury a relationship. Here's what you can do.

Admit that you are different and that's okay

Each of you has the right to hold your chosen views. A difference of opinion does not mean that one of you is better or worse, and does not make you enemies. Although it can be difficult to accept, because of the traps of thinking, we divide people into ours and others, and we treat the latter with prejudice.

Discuss the situation with your partner

This will help determine how fundamental the disagreement is and how much it can affect your relationship. Perhaps there are questions that are very important for you. For example, you are a man with a patriarchal upbringing and a relationship with a feminist is unacceptable to you. Or you are childfree, and your partner dreams of children.

If no one is going to change their minds or give in, perhaps the relationship really is better to end, otherwise they will turn into a series of conflicts. And if you are still ready to work on yourself and look for compromises, it is worth giving your couple a chance.

Think over your strategy

• Draw a circle of painful topics.
• Agree that you will not devalue and criticize each other's views and principles, and try to avoid offensive jokes.
• Do not try to convince each other.
• Determine what you will do in the face of a direct clash of views, what concessions each of you is ready to make.

In practice, everything will depend on the specific situation. Let's say conflicts in a couple arise due to the separation of household responsibilities. Nobody wants to mop the floor or cook and dump it all on someone else. If you calmly discuss the problem, several options are possible. For example, you and your partner make a schedule and do everything in turn. Each of you can also choose tasks that are given to him better than others (or just not annoying so much) and thus share all responsibilities. One cooks, the other buys food and washes the dishes, one tidies up the shelves, the other vacuums. Finally, it is possible to draw lots: who is washing the floor this week, and who is dusting and doing the laundry.

When you shouldn't endure

In some cases, maintaining a relationship doesn't make sense. Here are the signs that psychologists identify.

• You fight over and over again, despite all the agreements.
• Mutual irritation in the couple is growing.
• You don't talk to each other about problems.
• You insult and devalue each other.
• Some of you will not agree to any compromises and refuse to smooth corners.
• One of you is persistently trying to remake the other. Agitates, reproaches, manipulates.

Be that as it may, only you can decide the fate of your relationship. Any advice should be food for thought, not a guide to action.