This is not irresponsibility! 6 things you shouldn't blame yourself for

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-13 00:26

Let go of the burden of social prejudice.

This article is part of the Auto-da-fe project. In it, we declare war on everything that prevents people from living and becoming better: breaking laws, believing in nonsense, deceit and fraud. If you've come across a similar experience, share your stories in the comments.

1. Refusal to "save" a loved one

If your partner, parent, or other loved one is faced with a harmful addiction, it is logical to want to dive headlong into his salvation. This seems responsible and correct, although in reality it can lead to the opposite result.

Relationships around the addicted person are built according to a certain pattern. It is called the Karpman triangle. It has three roles:

• A victim who needs help.
• A stalker who terrorizes the victim by pointing out her addictions.
• Savior - relieves the victim from suffering and feels like a hero.

But this does not mean that the latter will come and fix everything. The participants in the scheme take turns trying on different roles, and you can only be saved by breaking out of the triangle.

Let's say a grown-up son is trying to save his father from alcoholism. A man suffering from addiction becomes a victim, and his child tries on the role of a savior: he tries to help with money, improve his life, find a place in a rehabilitation center. The father continues to drink, and the son turns into a stalker: he pours out alcohol, takes money to spend on paying for communal services and food for the parent - the intention is the same, but the role is different.

The father gets tired of this, and he begins to blame the son for everything, rush at him with fists, changing the alignment: now he is a persecutor, and the son is a victim. Then the man will try to make up, become a savior and create the illusion in the child that everything can work out. And in the end, everything will return to its original position: the son will start saving, and the father will be the victim. A new circle begins, the main enemy - alcoholism - has not been defeated.

But codependency is formed here, which closes people's lives on each other and prevents them from being happy.

Of course, you should not leave a loved one who is in a difficult life situation. It's okay to offer him help. But it depends only on him whether he is ready to accept it. Trying on the roles from the Karpman triangle, you lead everyone according to a familiar scenario. To change something, you need to start with yourself and change your reactions.

It is best to do this with a psychologist, since there are prerequisites for codependency, which are often hidden in childhood. But you definitely shouldn't be ashamed that you stopped saving another and started saving yourself. It's productive, not irresponsible.

2. Breaking up with the wrong partner

If a person decides to break up because his partner betrayed him, deceived him, did not fulfill the agreement, then he receives a flurry of public condemnation. Firstly, from the outside it seems that it is the initiator who is responsible for the breakup of the pair. Secondly, parting and even more so divorce is still perceived as something terrible. Be patient, suffer, lay your bones in the name of preserving the family, but don't you dare leave. As a result, even a person who is absolutely confident in his deed thinks: "Maybe it was worth giving us one more chance?"

Of course, the breakup is not always due to the fact that the second person was unbearable. At a certain stage, you can simply understand that all this time, alas, they have changed in different directions and nothing else holds you together.

Relationships are not a duty, not a reckoning for sins and not an educational technique from the series "I chose such a person myself, now live."

If they only deliver negative emotions and you have no desire and strength to save them, then leaving is normal. Keeping going with the flow and not fighting for your happiness is really irresponsible.

3. Refusal to solve other people's problems

If you have given birth to or adopted someone and he has not yet reached the age of majority, his problems are your problems. This is not even a moral law within us, but a legal norm enshrined in the Family Code. In all other cases, you can, but you do not have to help.

Obviously, you will enthusiastically share the hardships of life with someone you like, close and with whom you build a symmetrical relationship. If someone accuses you of being irresponsible when you refuse to solve their problems, that is manipulation. Just keep up the good work, and riders will be eliminated by themselves.

4. Dismissal from an unloved job

It is considered quite normal to work your whole life in a company where you do not like at all. Let the boss be rude and things seem meaningless, but the money pays. And pleasure is the tenth thing, you can have fun on weekends. Work is not for happiness at all - this is a popular refrain with which many console themselves.

It is difficult to condemn people born and raised in Russia for striving for stability, even when it comes to situations when they are consistently bad. Quitting is scary. There is always a fear that nothing better can be found. But this is not a reason to spend a third of your life on something that does not bring you pleasure and satisfaction, if you are ready to leave. One has only to identify your biggest fears and spread straws where they can be realized. For example, to save up an airbag while looking for another job or retraining.

Sitting in one place and blaming everyone around you that you feel bad is irresponsible. Taking life into your own hands and managing it is normal, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

And even if you leave a good company in order to move to a better place, that is also not a reason to feel guilty. Serfdom was abolished, and you have the right to build life according to your plan. Colleagues and former management understand this. And if not, well, it makes even more sense to leave.

5. Unwillingness to have a family and / or children

People react to such statements like a carbon copy: “This is selfishness! They just don't want to take responsibility. Although in the realization that you do not have the strength and resources to be a good partner or parent, there is much more responsibility than in thoughtlessly following standard life scenarios.

How popular recipes for family happiness destroy relationships

"Our couple would be perfect if not for you." Why you don't need to change for the sake of a partner

6 things you shouldn't expect from marriage

6 reasons not to go to young parents with your advice

10 things everyone knows better than you

What is wrong with your opinion and why does it turn into rudeness

6. Change of beliefs

For some reason, many see frivolity and irresponsibility behind the change of priorities and beliefs. Although it is at least strange if you carried your worldview unchanged from 18 to 50 years old and did not even try to test it for suitability and compliance with realities.

Beliefs are not formed from scratch. They are influenced by their own experience, observations of other people, information about the phenomenon. This baggage gets heavier over the years. Therefore, it is logical to periodically revise views taking into account new data. And after that they can change dramatically.

Let's say that in the 90s you were delighted with the abundance of plastic bags and used them for decades at every opportunity. But then they thought about ecology, read articles with sad statistics, watched a video about unfortunate fish and turtles with bag residues in their stomachs, and decided to reduce the use of plastic.

The fact that you previously thought very differently does not invalidate your new position.

It is much worse when a person, receiving new information, refuses to perceive it. He does not believe scientific articles and statistics, models alternative data with reference to charlatans - he does anything to avoid admitting that he was mistaken before. This is what is irresponsible, dangerous and downright stupid.