Must Run: 22 Signs You Are Dating an Abuser

Psychologists call such people abuser (from the English abuse - violence, abuse). The consequences of a relationship with such a partner can be disastrous. These are mental disorders (insomnia, depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder), physical injury, or even death if the aggressor turns to physical violence.

The best way to protect yourself from this is to recognize such a person in time and break off any relationship with him. Here are the phrases and actions that betray the abuser.

What signals cannot be ignored

Humiliation and criticism

The aggressor will definitely try to undermine your self-esteem. And this is how he will do it.

1. "You are my piglet …"

At first, the abuser will not openly insult the victim, otherwise she will be indignant and off the hook. Therefore, he will present insults as something natural or even funny. Do not miss an opportunity to call your partner stupid, a loser, or even worse. If in response the victim is indignant, she is told that “I am loving” and “you don’t understand jokes at all”.

This also includes, at first glance, cute, but in fact offensive nicknames like "my donut", "little pig", "fool". As a result, the victim gets used to such humiliating language addressed to him and begins to think that she is really stupid, fat and that she will not succeed.

2. "Always you …"

Anything can go further: you are late, you stumble, you are mistaken, you spoil everything. Such remarks are accompanied by prying and rolling their eyes, and after that the abuser will surely say something like this: “It's good that you have me. What would you do without me. Hearing something like this on a regular basis, the victim sooner or later comes to the conclusion that she is really useless and cannot cope without her “savior”.

3. "It's okay, they are our friends!"

The aggressor can easily expose the victim to public humiliation. For example, rudely making fun of her in the presence of acquaintances or making fun of her awkwardness. To all the claims, he will say that there is nothing like that in this, and since everyone is funny, then she should be funny too.

4. “Are you going to the circus with such makeup? Come on, it's just a joke!"

Harsh sarcasm, silly jokes, which are actually insults wrapped in third-rate humor - all of which are used by abusers to destabilize the victim and make him feel like nothing. If she begins to be indignant, then she will surely hear that she has not understood everything so well and, in general, one cannot be so vulnerable.

5. "Others your age are already earning millions"

No achievement will impress the abuser.

Promoted at work? It's a little late, of course, but nothing, for you, and that's commendable.
Got a prize at an important competition? And that you are happy, this is not a victory.
Did you manage to pay off your mortgage ahead of schedule? Your parents must have helped you.

After such statements, a person, of course, is no longer happy and thinks that his achievements are really funny and mean nothing.

6. "Don't waste your time on this bullshit!"

If the victim has a passion, the abuser will not miss the opportunity to make fun of him in every possible way. Because his task is to deprive the victim of his own life and interests, so that she spends time and energy only on him.

Control

Abusers use any technique to subjugate a partner to themselves, deprive him of his will and make him feel ashamed for any wrongdoing, real or imagined.

7. “Where are you? Why don't you pick up the phone right away?"

The toxic partner seeks to track every step of his victim. He demands from her to report on her affairs and movements, annoys her with calls and messages. It can put programs that control location on the phone. Can follow the victim personally. In a word, it does everything so that the "toy" does not run away and gets used to feeling on a short leash.

8. “Yes, I read messages on your phone. And what is it?"

Abusers without a twinge of conscience can conduct digital surveillance of their victim. Read messages in social networks and instant messengers, listen to the phone, check the browser history. In some cases, they even demand to provide them with passwords and invade the victim's privacy completely openly.

9. “This is common money. Should I have asked?"

Emotional abusers do not consider it necessary to take into account the opinion of their victim and make decisions unilaterally. They can carry out some kind of operations with common money behind the back of a partner. They can cancel an appointment with a doctor for another, refuse an invitation to a holiday, express dissatisfaction with the boss for the fact that the victim spends too much time at work. In a word, they behave as if half of them have no rights.

10. “No, I will not give you money. Again you will spend on nonsense"

Financial violence is one of the favorite levers of aggressors. If the victim does not have his own income (unemployed, housewife, mother on maternity leave), they begin to reproach her with money, deprive her of finances for "offenses" or give out tiny amounts that are not really enough for anything.

But even if we are talking about a working and financially independent person, the abuser will still find how to leave him without funds. He will put all the money in his account or stop paying the total mortgage. He will simply take away everything he earned, stating that the partner does not know how to handle money, and make him accountable for every ruble spent.

11. “Where is my dinner? Bring it now!"

At first, abusers often seem cute and harmless, but at some point they can begin to communicate exclusively in an orderly tone. Do this, serve this, go and buy immediately, do not take these medicines anymore. The victim is expected to obey unquestioningly, not at all interested in her opinion and needs.

12. "Again, you piss me off!"

Outbursts of anger - unpredictable and completely incommensurate with the actions that cause them - are a characteristic feature of the behavior of manipulators. A person who has been in contact with such a partner for a long time begins to be afraid and literally walks along the line, just not to provoke another explosion. Because shouts, assault or pogroms can start at any moment - it is enough to return home later than usual or not to wash the dishes.

13. "You won't succeed, let me do it better."

Abusers behave as if the victim is not an adult, but a small child who can and should be told what to wear, where to go, who to be friends with, what to do. The opinion of the other party is not taken into account. Such a dictatorship is often presented under the guise of caring. The task is to deprive a person of independence and make him believe that he himself is not capable of anything.

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Suggestion of guilt

Guilt is a great leverage that makes a person very easy to manipulate. And the abusers are well aware of this.

14. "I can see you're flirting!"

The victim of the abuser may turn out to be wrong at any time, even if she herself does not know about it. Smiled at the waitress? He was probably trying to flirt. Did you go to a corporate party in a beautiful dress? Well, everything is clear, this is only for the men from the office to stare.

The "cheater" can be followed, he will be forced to make excuses for every look, sigh or smile, for every minute of delay - as if the truth is to blame for something. And this is not to mention screams, scandals and ugly scenes, including public ones.

15. "Aren't you ashamed ?!"

If the victim's behavior does not meet the expectations of her partner, she will definitely be told how unsuitable she is and how she disappointed such a good person. This will be done, for example, with the help of lengthy lectures and rebukes.

16. “I do so much for you! And you…"

When the victim attempts to argue, argue, or defend his point of view, manipulators often begin to press on feelings of guilt. They make it clear that they are ready for anything for the sake of a relationship, and the other half is just an ungrateful bastard who does not value anything. By the way, not only toxic partners but also parents love this technique: “We have invested so much in you! Why do you hate us so much?"

17. "It's your fault!"

It doesn't matter what exactly goes wrong in the life of the abuser - the boss shouted, the project failed, the tire was punctured, he needs to find someone to blame. And for this role, they usually choose someone helpless and dependent, someone who cannot give a proportionate answer or send away.

Isolation and rejection

Abusers often try to embroil a partner with friends and relatives, force them to quit their job. In a word, to make sure that the victim is left alone, without someone's support.

18. “These friends were given to you. Let's better spend time together."

It is unprofitable for the abuser that his "property" has a rear in the form of loved ones. After all, they can notice his inappropriate behavior earlier than the victim blinded by feelings, and it is necessary for her to leave. Therefore, it is very important for an emotional rapist to stand between his half and her social circle. He will set her up against friends, quarrel with relatives, directly or indirectly interfere with communication. For example, she will convince the victim that her family does not love him and unjustly offends him, or that her friends are actually jealous of her.

19. "I don't want to talk to you"

One of the varieties of emotional abuse is ignore. For any "offense" the victim is punished with coldness and detachment. She is deliberately deprived of tenderness or sex, they stop talking to her, they literally stop noticing her, as if she is an empty space. If people do not live together yet, the abuser can disappear from the radar and stop answering calls.

As a result, the victim experiences a very rich palette of negative feelings - from discomfort to complete despair - and after a while is ready to beg for forgiveness, just not to feel rejected. And the abuser generously forgives her in order to give her an emotional swing after a while.

20. “Are you crying? Well, okay"

You can't expect sincere warmth and support from an abuser. If a partner is upset and going through difficult times, an emotional abuser can easily ignore it, pretend not to notice, or say that they have no right to feel what they are feeling.

Depreciation

The abuser is trying with all his might to make the victim feel insignificant and worthless.

21. “Just think! Is this a problem?"

The victim tells his partner about something important to her, shares his experiences, and he demonstrates with all his appearance that this is nonsense. This behavior is called depreciation. It can be very painful and undermine your sense of self-worth.

Devaluation can be expressed not only verbally. There are also gestures like eye-rolling, snorting and poking.

22. "You take everything too close to heart."

Such phrases can be a sign of gaslighting - manipulation with the help of which the victim is trying to convince the victim of her inadequacy. Make her believe that she is too vulnerable and impressionable, or even comes up with something that does not exist. Typical gaslighter phrases: “You are exaggerating”, “It just seemed to you!”, “Don't be so nervous!”, “Why are you making this up?”.

If the abuser is pinned to the wall with irrefutable facts, he will still deny to the last that he insulted you, raised his hand, followed or hid money. Or he will fall into a rage and declare that it was the victim who brought him to sin, which means that it is her own fault. All this is necessary in order to destabilize the partner and achieve his obedience.

What to do if you are in a relationship with an abuser

Why is it difficult to end a relationship

1. The person has strong affection for their abuser partner.

2. Abuse is perceived as concern: "Where are you going?", "When will you be?", "Don't talk to her / him."

3. A person does not notice any violence, because he found himself in a scenario familiar from childhood. The partner reminds him of the parent.

A parent can be called an abuser if he is domineering, strict, makes unbearable demands on the child, suffers from alcohol dependence, is anxious-controlling. Love is associated with violence, and it is this scenario that lays the foundation for all future relationships. Leaving an abuser is like leaving a parent.

To rebuild the familiar scenario, you have to go back in time. Because in a relationship with an abuser, a person tries to solve children's problems. Often, after breaking off one such relationship, he immediately falls into others. It's just that, for example, there the husband no longer drinks or beats, but is jealous and controls every step.

What to do

1. See a psychologist. This is the most efficient, but not always available, method.

2. Find in your story someone who became the source of the love-violence belief. Think about interacting with which of your loved ones resembles an ongoing relationship with a partner. This is not always easy to do because the psyche is protected from traumatic memories. Often people say: “Nothing like that happened”, “I don’t remember”. This is fine. This means that you are not yet ready to face strong feelings.

3. Understand that your partner is your parent's replacement. Children cannot help but love mom and dad, because they are dependent on them. The child's psyche is very adaptive and allows you to become attached even to those adults who beat and offend.

Your inner child doesn't want violence, he wants love. But in your understanding, it is either equal to violence, or comes after it.

But now you are an adult and you have the right to choose whether or not to tolerate unhealthy relationships. Try to realize that your choice of partner is not driven by love, but by the desire to complete the child's script. Then you will see something more in the whole situation and it will be easier for you to deal with it.

4. Let go of your guilt. Sometimes it is enough just to realize it and analyze it. Guilt arises from your belief that if you are treated this way, then you deserve it, something is wrong with you and no one else needs you.

5. Expand your social circle, which is often limited in a relationship with an abuser. Making new friends and experiences will help you realize your worth, build self-esteem, and cope with the fear of loneliness that often arises from # 4.