What to do if you and your parents have different outlooks on life

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

You can translate disagreements into a peaceful course, because it is not always necessary to prove your case to mom and dad.

This article is part of the One-on-One Project. In it we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

Psychologists and sociologists believe that millennials and buzzers get along with their parents much better than previous generations. Thanks to the Internet, people, regardless of age, are in the same information field, share the same values and have fewer reasons for disagreement.

Nevertheless, the difference between generations still sometimes makes itself felt, and the difference in views on life sometimes results in conflicts. If you live with your parents under the same roof or just hang out a lot, these disagreements can spoil the relationship. We will tell you how to extinguish and prevent such quarrels.

Why conflicts usually happen

The list of reasons may be endless, but in general, the reasons for quarrels from generation to generation remain unchanged and are associated with different views on many things. Among them:

• Choice of profession and lifestyle. Parents believe that reliable work in a stable company is important, and an adult child is freelance and is engaged in creativity.
• Family values and parenting. Parents are sure that a son or daughter needs to get married as soon as possible and have a child of their own, and they prefer to live for themselves.
• Financial questions. It seems to parents that it is important to live economically and to save, and the child wants to make pleasant expensive purchases and enjoy today.
• Politics, religion and processes in society.
• Communication approaches. For example, one side favors sensitive, non-violent communication, while the other prefers to cut the truth-womb and violate boundaries.

How to deal with your parents if you have disagreements

Here's what they recommend; specialists.

1. Focus on what you love about your loved ones

For example, on their positive qualities or on what you have in common. If you want to make a scandal because your mom told you to find a mate and get married as soon as possible, think about how she supported you when you decided to change jobs, how she taught you to cross-stitch, or how you went to the theater together.

This does not mean that your position does not need to be defended. But this approach will help to see in a loved one not an enemy, but an ally.

2. Try to understand whether it is worth stirring up the conflict

Perhaps the disagreement is not so global, in general, it does not interfere with communication and the situation can be released on the brakes. For example, parents do not want to vote for the same candidate you intend to support; or believe that complementary foods should be introduced to an infant from four months, and you follow the WHO recommendations and prefer to wait until he is six.

Most often, these are not the kind of contradictions that should be brought to a quarrel, they do not wedge into everyday life. It is worth trying not to touch upon painful topics, to turn the conversation in another direction or laugh it off, use phrases like “I think differently, but let's not quarrel and talk about something else”.

But if it's a matter of principle, let's say your parents don't like your partner or your job and they constantly tell you about it or even put a stick in their wheels, you still have to defend your boundaries.

3. Separate the person's personality from what they say

If someone expresses ideas that you do not like, even dangerous and harmful, it does not mean that he is a bad person. Maybe you just disagree, or maybe he is confused or does not have the necessary information.

It is important to keep this in mind when discussing with your parents and only criticize what they tell you, not your mom and dad.

4. Do not forget that your goal is to extinguish the conflict

And also to protect their borders and prevent new disputes in the future, but not humiliate opponents and not defend their innocence at any cost.

Moreover, in some cases this is simply impossible to do. That is, it is useless to argue to the point of hoarseness whether there is a God or whether it is worthwhile to allow LGBT people to marry. It is more important to ensure that the other side speaks correctly, recognizes your point of view and does not impose its own on you.

More practical matters are the same story. If your parents insist that you need another job, try to convince them not that your current job is better and they don't understand anything, but that it is your choice and telling you what to do is not very respectful.

5. Show that you hear the people you are talking to

You will be pleased if mom or dad, even in a very sensitive issue, admit that your point of view has a right to exist. In the opposite direction, it works the same way. You may not share, for example, the political views of your parents, but at the same time agree that they are for "their" party and they have their own reasons for this.

Moreover, it is important not only to keep this in mind, but also to say out loud: “Yes, I hear and understand you. This is an interesting point of view, although I disagree with it."

And actually listen more, don't try to dispute what you don't like right away. So you can better understand the person and find the very key to resolving the conflict.

6. Speak correctly

Try to stay calm and avoid drooling and accusations. Use “I-Messages,” talk about how you feel when Mom or Dad has ideas that you don't like or try to pressure you. For example: “When you say that I have an unreliable profession and I end up on the porch, I feel very hurt and hurt. I feel that nobody believes in me."

Be proactive and try to offer compromise solutions if possible. Remember that you are a team, not an enemy.

7. Be prepared to cut off the conversation

At least for a while. If the situation goes too far, your parents do not hear you, they continue to insist on their own, grossly violate personal boundaries, spoil your mood, subject you to psychological and economic violence - this is a reason to take time out and step back a little.

For example, you are categorically required to marry and are actively wooing you against your will the conventional “sons of my mother’s friend”. Or by blackmail and threats they force you to change your job or place of study: "If you go to study as an artist, don't expect help from us." Or they put pressure on you with authority, devalue you, use toxic statements: "You don't understand anything, but we have lived our lives."

Distance will allow you to cool down, recover wasted emotional resources, look at the situation more detached and understand how to proceed.

Perhaps it is also worth contacting a specialist if you understand yourself, cope with feelings and find a solution on your own.