How to understand when it is worth fighting for a relationship, and when it is time to put an end

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Even if you don't like your partner as a person, your relationship has a chance to continue.

In romantic comedies, you've probably seen more than once how the heroes overcome all obstacles on the way to happiness and stay together to the touching music from the credits. The reason is simple - they love each other.

Unfortunately, real life is much harsher: sometimes even the strongest feelings are not enough to keep a relationship. Moreover, love can cloud common sense. Scientists have found that even when we look at a photo of a loved one, we produce the hormone dopamine - an element of the brain's "reward system" that makes us feel better. In this state of euphoria, logical arguments are the last thing we listen to.

Julia Hill Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

A couple in their development goes through several completely natural crises associated, for example, with relocation, illness, birth and growing up of children. At first, when partners are charmed and in love, the relationship curve goes up. As they live together, mistakes accumulate and the relationship reaches a plateau - the couple finds themselves at the point of choice: reconsider their views on roles, find a joint way to solve problems, nullify resentments or leave everything as it is.

In the first case, the stage of a new acquaintance occurs - the partners are together, but the quality of their relationship changes. There is more understanding, care, attention to each other - and the curve goes up again. In the second, the stage of destruction begins. Claims accumulate, nothing changes, a critical mass of grievances leads to a break.

Unmet needs, disapproval of family and friends, long work on relationships - all these and other signs of relationship coaches consider a good reason for breaking up. However, these same signs can mean something completely different - that it is possible and necessary to work on feelings. Together with a family psychologist, psychotherapist Julia Hill, we analyzed seven such ambiguous signs.

1. Your needs are not being met

Each of us has our own ideas about ideal relationships. For some, emotionality comes first - for example, they want to spend more time together. For others, on the contrary, functionality is important: they would prefer, say, a partner to take on the financial component of their life together.

Julia Hill Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

We always enter into relationships to satisfy our attachment needs: security, intimacy, caring, support, recognition. We want to be significant, needed, loved. That is why we are looking for a partner, there are no other reasons.

When you feel that your loved one is forgetting your needs, it is worth talking about it. If your partner is not ready to go forward, it may be time for you to go your own way.

People are often left in unhappy relationships in which their needs are not being met because society condemns loneliness. It may seem to you that you will not find anyone better than your current partner. Don't listen to this inner voice. Yes, it takes time to meet the right person, but you deserve to be truly happy.

2. You are trying to get what your partner does not give you, from friends and acquaintances

Think about who you will first tell about a promotion at work or a family crisis: your partner or someone else. This does not mean that you cannot have close friends and acquaintances. However, if you find yourself sharing more of your experiences with friends and coworkers, it could mean that you are not getting the support you need from your loved one.

Julia Hill Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

The question is how we are used to asking for support and how we present it. If a wife asks her husband: “How do you like my new sweater?” He nods approvingly, and she would like him to say: “You are beautiful, dear! The sweater is very stylish, as I am grateful to the universe that I met you”- of course, she will not feel support from her husband.

A relationship is always a dialogue between two stakeholders. I not only expect something from you, but also help you understand what I am waiting for and at what moments, and if you cannot support that way, I hear and understand you.

But if you feel as if you are endlessly knocking on a closed door that does not open in any way, there are two ways to go - go through pair therapy or leave.

3. You are afraid to ask your partner for more

Frank conversation is very important, because open communication is the basis of a long and healthy relationship. Relationship coaches note that keeping your wants and needs quiet is more likely to destroy relationships than preserve them.

Julia Hill Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

In a close, trusting relationship, there should be no discomfort when discussing personal needs. I talk about myself, I open up, I know that you will not hurt me in return.

If we always find it difficult to talk about our needs - in the family or at work - this is a signal that at such moments we find ourselves in some kind of “sore spot”, perhaps a feeling of self-doubt, unworthiness. We need to think about whether it was still difficult for us to talk about ourselves, to ask, or whether this feature appeared precisely in these relationships.

If this has always been the case, then it is worth paying attention to personal boundaries and determining how often you act to the detriment of your interests. If this only happens in your relationship and you want to preserve it, it may be worth contacting a specialist with your partner. Another way out is to leave.

4. Family and friends against your relationship

It is worth listening to the observations of family and friends, but this should not be a decisive factor in your personal life. Some relationship coaches believe that if you are trying to isolate yourself from your loved one’s belief that you’re not a couple, they may be right.

Julia Hill Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

It's great when you have such caring, caring loved ones. But an adult, psychologically mature person differs in that he himself is the author of his life, makes decisions and bears responsibility for them, including for their negative consequences.

5. You feel obligated to keep the relationship

A 2016 study published in the journal Current Psychology found that people are more likely to stay in relationships that they've already spent time and energy in.

This is similar to the "cost incurred" effect commonly known in the investment industry. Its essence is that an investment in a certain product leads to subsequent investments, even if you no longer like the project. You've already spent money on it, so it's a shame to leave everything just like that.

Many stay with a partner, hoping to get real "profit" from the "investments" already made. But months and years spent in a relationship don't solve the problem. If, despite your best efforts, nothing changes, it might be worthwhile to stop wasting time.

Julia Hill Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

In psychotherapy there is a decision-making job. One technique is to visualize in great detail how your life will continue if you stay with this partner and if you leave.

Make the most detailed description: “So I got up in the morning, I go out to the kitchen, there are dirty dishes, and she sits offended, but incredibly cute. I'm in a bad mood, but I try not to show it. This technique helps you understand whether you are ready to stay and how long you will be enough, or discover the significant advantages of the current relationship, despite the disadvantages.

6. You've been working on a relationship for over a year

When two people love each other, the desire to make your union better is completely natural. Sometimes this work takes longer than we think. Sometimes relationship coaches advise you to see a psychologist, but give yourself a time limit of one year.

Julia Hill Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

I remembered an old anecdote: "Darling, can you imagine what we have taken for an orgasm all our lives - it turns out, asthma." This is to the question of how each of the partners sees the work on the relationship, how much this vision coincides, whether new circumstances that spouses face appear as a given period.

Family therapy can take a year or more if the couple is difficult. For independent work, such a period seems overly optimistic.

7. You don't like your partner as a person

Yes, yes, it sounds strange and illogical, but falling in love with a person you don't like is quite possible. In this case, the relationship can develop well during normal times, but such an alliance runs the risk of not surviving difficult times.

Julia Hill Family psychologist, psychotherapist.

If I enter into a relationship with a partner, realizing in advance that I do not like him, then, most likely, behind this is some kind of my need for affection, for example, for safety or care. And as long as the partner satisfies this need, the relationship can continue and, moreover, be happy.