"Let's take a break from the relationship?" Is it worth parting for a while and how to do it right

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

It can both restart feelings and lead to a breakup.

In romantic films, this happens quite often: the relationship of the characters begins to deteriorate, and one of them suggests living separately for some time. Further events depend on the genre. Sometimes the heroes understand that they cannot live without each other. But sometimes they realize that they can do without a partner.

The iconic plot twist of the legendary sitcom Friends was based on Ross and Rachel taking a break. Ross slept with a girl from the bar, and Rachel accused the guy of being unfaithful. Although he was sure that the betrayal did not happen: "We have a break."

In general, from the outside we have seen various examples of such pauses. But is it worth trying to put this into practice? We figure it out together with psychologists.

When a relationship break is not a good idea

It should be understood that a pause is a serious step, and you should not take it in any incomprehensible situation. This is the last measure before the breakup, a kind of breakup probe. And, most importantly, no one can predict what such a decision will lead to.

If clear analogies are needed, a break in a relationship is like a medicine with severe side effects for a terminal illness. Such a drug is prescribed only in extreme cases. But no one prescribes for an ordinary cough.

According to psychologist Yulia Kuznetsova, relationships are like a living organism, they develop according to their own laws. A person has a crisis of three years, adolescence, middle age. But these difficulties allow us to make a leap forward and move to a new level. It's the same in relationships. But in them it already depends on two people whether the union will collapse or, conversely, become stronger.

Julia Kuznetsova Psychologist of the Teledoctor24 service.

It happens that a couple decides to part for a while. But I think this is a destructive step. These two people are in a child's position: as if the kids did not share something in the sandbox and decided to get out of it.

And if we talk about an adult position, then one cannot do without a constructive conversation. If you don’t talk, don’t express feelings, don’t tell about your point of view and desires, don’t listen to the opinion and feelings of your partner, then there will be no development. In any case, this unspokenness will grow and accumulate, misunderstandings will begin to increase - and so will the crack between the couple. And this crack is usually filled with quarrels and resentments.

A temporary breakup is a way to get away from difficulties for a short time. But each of the partners will carry with them a baggage of unresolved problems that will not become easier at a distance. And if the reunion takes place, then the couple will find themselves in the same situation from which they fled. Because all this time everyone was stewing in the juice of their own experiences. Whereas the problem is common and it can only be solved together.

When can a pause be useful?

We have already decided that a break in a relationship is a last resort. And you need to use it in extreme situations.

When irritation and fatigue in a relationship has reached a critical point

Relationships develop in different ways. Sometimes people may feel that they are tired of each other and the accumulated irritation can no longer be contained. Or to decide that the partner is tired and to build a pair with him was initially the wrong choice.

Andrey Smirnov Master of Psychology, practical psychologist.

Here the pause is more important than ever! You should not bring the relationship to scandals and screams. It is better to agree to live separately for a week or two or even a month. And here comes the moment of truth. At first, during the pause, you can feel relief. But soon the proverb may turn out to be true: “What we have, we do not keep; when we lose, we cry.”You begin to understand how dear your partner is to you, only the good is remembered, the bad is forgotten.

In this case, you should call your partner and find out how he is doing, what his mood is. By intonation, you can feel whether it is time to end the pause or whether it is better to wait. After all, people move at different speeds. Someone and one-day separation is uncomfortable, but someone needs to calm down for two weeks.

In any case, one should not rush things. The pause can only be interrupted when there is a clear desire on both sides to reunite. Often after such pauses, the meetings are joyful and even enchanting.

Andrei Smirnov warns: such a result does not always happen. If the partner has exhausted him so that no pause helps anymore and there is no desire to see each other again, then you should think about the final separation.

When one of the partners changed

Everything is complicated with treason. First of all, due to the fact that there is no correct reaction to this event. The decision of what will happen with the couple will have to be made by the partners. It is especially difficult for someone who has been cheated on, because he simultaneously experiences a lot of emotions, which are not so easy to understand. And the presence of a traitor is even more disorienting. At the same time, partners, even despite a storm of emotions, are not always categorically disposed to part. It takes time to cope with the situation. And sometimes a pause in the relationship.

It also happens the other way around: the changed partner hesitates and does not understand whether he wants to keep the old relationship or is interested in new ones. And a break will come in handy to think things over.

When there is violence in a couple

Elena Slinkina recommends acting immediately.

Elena Slinkina Family consultant, art therapist.

If this happens, pack up and leave. You can tell your partner that you love him and ask him to do something: seek help from a psychologist, a counselor. If a person really loves, then he will try to do everything in his power so that this does not happen again.

It is important to make a reservation here right away: breaks can be part of a pattern that increasingly engages the victim in domestic violence. This is a common cycle. The act of cruelty is followed by the repentance of the aggressor. The victim forgives, the so-called honeymoon begins, when everything is fine. Then the joy and calmness fade, and they are replaced by violence again. And every time it becomes more violent.

An unchanged apology is manipulation. A break to think things over and give the aggressor a chance to improve is possible. But the pause should not be part of a cycle in which the victim takes a break over and over again, forgives, and again faces violence. It only makes sense when a person understands what he is doing wrong and is really ready to change.

When parting is inevitable

A pause can help you make this difficult decision.

Elena Slinkina Family consultant, art therapist.

If you feel that the relationship has outlived its usefulness, you are trying to grab onto the last straw and both decide to part for a while so that time is good for you, then in fact this means only one thing: your separation is inevitable. But it will be less painful, because it seems like for a while. In this case, this is an option. Take time to get used to the fact that you broke up.

How to Pause Relationships Properly

Back to Ross and Rachel. The main problem of their interruption, as we know from the further development of events, was that they did not agree on its terms and, in general, acted emotionally. This is a bad way to take a break.

Psychologist and head of the Center for the Resolution of Social Conflicts Oleg Ivanov advises to first clarify the following points.

Make sure the solution is reciprocal

If you are the initiator, give your partner a specific reason why you want to take a break.

Determine the ultimate goal of a temporary breakup

A pause does not mean a break. This time is given to both of you to think things over and make an informed decision where to move on.

Set a pause time

A break for an indefinite time will not work: without a clear time frame, everything runs the risk of ending in a normal parting.

Decide how often you will meet

This is also important for solving everyday issues. Pause does not mean isolating and ignoring each other, even if you live in different places for a while.

Oleg Ivanov Psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts.

Be honest with yourself and each other by agreeing on how you will spend your time apart. A pause in a relationship does not mean complete freedom from obligations towards each other. Therefore, if you want to leave the city for a couple of days, go to a party or meet with friends, notify your partner about your plans.

And discuss the issue of romantic communication with other people separately. It took Rachel and Ross seven seasons and 10 episodes to get the relationship back after their mistake. But it is better not to initially destroy your happy ending with your own hands.