Why You Don't Know What You Want And How To Fix It

To set goals, achieve them, be successful and harmonious, you need to clearly understand what you want. But it just sounds easy and natural. But in fact, many people do not know what they need, cannot understand themselves and do not understand what to strive for. We figure out why this is happening and how you can cope with it.

1. You can't hear yourself

Many grew up with authoritarian parents who are used to making all important decisions on their own, regardless of the opinion of the child. What circles to go to, whom to be friends with, where to study, whom to marry, and so on. If you are not allowed to step on your own, and there is not enough courage and rebellious spirit to resist, it is no wonder that problems will arise in adulthood.

Scientists also agree with this: they believe Decision Making Styles: A Systematic Review of Their Associations with Parenting that children who grew up with overprotective, authoritarian, controlling parents find it difficult to make decisions and understand themselves. They do not understand what they want, are afraid of responsibility and do not know how to separate their own desires from those imposed from the outside.

How to be

This is a rather complicated story, and there can be no quick techniques or universal solutions. Perhaps this situation even requires the participation of a psychotherapist. But there is still a lot you can do to help yourself.

Try journaling. Psychiatrist Jeremy Nobel considers Writing as an antidote to loneliness that this practice helps to establish a connection with oneself and to better understand one's desires. It is advisable to make notes regularly, in a form convenient for you.

The easiest option is to buy a notebook and just splash out your feelings and experiences on its pages, tell what happened to you, complain and dream.

You can also arrange for yourself a trip into the past. This technique is offered by the writer, screenwriter and creative specialist Julia Cameron.

Imagine that you are 7-8 years old again, and write down all your dreams and hobbies.

Then try doing something on this list or making some of your childhood fantasies come true. There is a chance that in this way you will pick up a key to yourself and find a goal to which you want to go, or a business that will delight you.

2. Fear prevents you

Sometimes, deep down, we know perfectly well what we need. But we do not dare to admit this even to ourselves, because then we will have to change something. And this is very scary. We are afraid of the unknown, and it is not surprising: this fear Fear of the unknown: One fear to rule them all? are considered a basic fear that is inherent in everyone and underlies all our other fears. We do not know where desires and aspirations will lead us, and therefore we pretend not to notice them - yes, it makes us unhappy, but we do not have to take risks.

Another fear that makes us hide our dreams away and not think about them is the fear of failure. And, paradoxically, the fear of success: if we succeed in something, we will have to raise the bar and climb to new heights, and this is scary.

There are a lot of fears that make us hide in the sink and push our desires away from ourselves with both hands.

How to be

To begin with, admit that you are afraid and that's okay. And that failure inevitably happens to everyone, and the world is constantly changing, depriving us of a sense of stability.

Then try to catch your fears and work with them. Psychiatrist David Burns, in his book Mood Therapy, advises you to listen carefully to yourself and write it down every time a negative thought occurs to you. And then come up with answers for all your fears and negative attitudes. Also in writing. It looks something like this.

Thought: "What difference does it make what I want if I still don't succeed?"
Answer: “Yes, I can screw up. But if I don’t understand myself, I don’t understand what I want and don’t start to act, nothing good will definitely await me”.

David Burns considers this technique to be very effective: he says that if you work through your fears and negative attitudes every day, after a couple of weeks a person will be cheered up and feel more confident.

3. You push yourself too hard

It may well seem to you that you absolutely must understand what you want. That you are obliged to understand yourself by a certain date (for example, by the end of school or university, by the age of 30, by the next new year). It is shameful and frivolous not to understand your desires and not have clear goals.

If so, then you are probably putting pressure on yourself, persistently digging into your own thoughts, asking yourself over and over again what you need. And no wonder that in such conditions nothing comes to mind.

And it also happens that you expect from yourself some very ambitious desires and goals, and you think the more modest ones are stupid or simply do not notice.

Let's say, deep down, you want to make handmade wooden toys or bake cakes to order, but you block this desire, because it seems frivolous to you, and you are trying to dig out more ambitions in yourself.

How to be

Give yourself time. Don't rush things. Don't be ashamed of yourself. Do not demand to make a decision by a certain date, do not compare yourself with peers who have long ago decided on their desires and plans.

Ask yourself questions. But not straightforward and boring ones (like “What do I want?”, “What am I interested in?”), But more creative ones: those that are interesting to answer.

What would I do if I didn't need to make money?
Which five activities give me the most joy? And which ones, on the contrary, drive you into melancholy?
What would I be doing if I had five lives?

Barbara Sher in her book "What to Dream About" advises to imagine the most disgusting scenario of life.

For example: “I have to get up at 5 am and go to the office for two hours, where I call different people all day and try to sell them products or services. This work takes a lot of my energy (it's hard for me to communicate, I like something calmer) and I return home completely devastated. I come to an empty, uncomfortable apartment and fall asleep under the TV."

Then this image needs to be mirrored - and you will have a rough picture of what your ideal life should look like. If you turn the example above, it becomes clear that this imaginary person needs a quiet job, not related to communications and sales, something closer to home, or even freelancing. That he wants to start a family and equip a cozy home. From this, it is already quite possible to formulate both desires and goals.