Why we undermine our relationships and how to stop doing it

Many people perceive love as some kind of external force. It "pierces us like an arrow" or "covers us like an element." It seems that nothing depends on ourselves and we are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. However, such a conviction makes it difficult to see your actions from the outside and change something for the better.

“I took it for granted that I would eventually be dumped, that everything would end in failure,” recalls psychologist Raquel Peel, who, in her own words, has been involved in “romantic self-sabotage” for quite some time. Driven by a sense of doom, she ended the relationship as soon as the slightest difficulty arose. Many do the same without realizing the reasons, and there may be several of them.

Why We Are Undermining Our Relationships

We are afraid of intimacy

While closeness is a universal human need, some people associate it with negative rather than positive experiences. This, naturally, causes a desire to protect oneself, that is, to break off relations or avoid them altogether. Most often, fear of intimacy arises from difficult relationships with parents or guardians. For example, if they violated the child's personal boundaries, neglected him, shamed him, or frightened him.

Trust with them was destroyed and the belief arose that loved ones will inevitably hurt or leave when support is most needed.

“Even when we don’t remember such early events, emotional memory is preserved,” says psychotherapist Mercedes Coffman. - She triggers an increased pain response in romantic relationships, which seems overly harsh to other people, and sometimes to ourselves. This pain causes us to sabotage a relationship that could potentially grow into something wonderful.”

We are afraid to experience pain

On the one hand, it can be caused by a partner, because we show him our most vulnerable sides. On the other hand, we can get hurt if something happens to him.

In addition, when we get close to someone, it "shifts our lithospheric plates." As a result, a dormant volcano of suppressed emotions that we have hidden away for years can awaken.

To prevent the eruption from ruining the relationship, you need to look at your old scars and understand how they affect our behavior now. Because the mechanisms that we have developed for protection prevent us from building a connection with a new person. They shield us not only from emotions and pain, but also from intimacy with a partner.

We are afraid of losing ourselves

This fear is often associated with overprotective parenting. At the same time, they can be loving and generous, but do not allow the child to make choices and decisions on his own. Constant control on their part deprives the most important for development of the feeling that the child's own point of view and his needs are appreciated.

In adulthood, this fear causes intimacy problems. It may seem to a person that the relationship and the partner "strangle" him, depriving him of his own identity or the ability to make independent decisions.

Our inner critic is too active

He undermines our self-confidence by criticizing appearance, skills, character, desires. Sometimes the inner critic is like a cruel coach: “You are pathetic. Nobody wants to be with you. " And sometimes to the comforting parent: “Better stay at home. After all, you alone are quite good."

In any case, he does not allow you to get closer to a potential partner, reminding you to always be on the lookout.

It is important to understand that the critic's voice does not reflect the real state of affairs and even the real attitude towards oneself. This is just a filter through which we look at the world. If you believe him, you will never be able to change habitual patterns of behavior.

How self-sabotage manifests itself in life

You always have a way to go

For example, you avoid serious steps - meeting your parents, living together. There is always a thought in my head: "How can I get out of this relationship without any problems if something goes wrong?" Commitments will prevent you from doing this without emotional or financial consequences, so you avoid them.

Do you gaslight

It is a form of emotional abuse that denies the other person's experience. The gaslighter does not recognize the partner's feelings as real and valuable. For example, a person says that he is upset because of a canceled date, and you answer: "You are not upset, everything happened because of you, you are just trying to put the blame on me."

Other common phrases: "You are exaggerating", "It just seemed to you!", "You misunderstood everything (a)!" Naturally, it gets boring quickly.

You meet someone all the time

And you part because of the slightest problem in order to immediately start a relationship with someone else. Your friends often lament that you are still not settling down. And it seems to you that you cannot find someone with whom you can try to build a serious relationship.

You are being very suspicious or very jealous

Worry that your partner is meeting with someone behind your back, demand an account of each step. If he spends time with someone without you, you do not find a place for yourself, constantly write messages, get jealous and ask for confirmation that he is not cheating. As a result, because of this control, all relationships with you are terminated.

You criticize all your partner's actions

You find something for criticism in everyone, because you are looking for perfection (which in reality does not exist). Either he cooks the wrong way, sometimes he doesn’t dress like that - you simply cannot please. Eventually the partner gives up and leaves.

You avoid problems

You convince yourself that everything is fine in a relationship, even when it is far from it. If your partner wants to discuss a problem, you avoid the conversation. Say what he is thinking or that everything will be resolved by itself. This inability to solve problems together causes resentment on the part of the partner and also leads to a breakup.

You constantly talk about yourself in a self-deprecating manner

Phrases like “I’m not as smart as you”, “I’m such a freak, I don’t understand why you still put up with me”, “You are with me only out of pity,” and the like talk about low self-esteem.

Most people are not particularly pleased to hear that they love someone who is worthless. If you continue to belittle yourself despite persistent beliefs that you are worthy of love, your partner may break down and leave.

How to stop disrupting your relationship

Understand what type of attachment you have

According to attachment theory, there are four of them: reliable, anxious, anxious-avoidant, avoidant-rejecting. Ideally, it would be nice to have a reliable one. People with this type of attachment feel they can trust others and be themselves even in close relationships.

“Attachment patterns in childhood are reproduced in every way,” says Rhonda Milrad, a relationship therapist. “People who have been abandoned by parents who have experienced trauma or a violation of personal boundaries tend to develop insecure attachment patterns that make it difficult for them to trust their partner.”

For example, the parent was sometimes attentive, sometimes cold. The child could not foresee what reaction his actions would cause. Because of this, an anxious type of attachment can develop, which is characterized by the need for frequent encouragement from a partner.

However, the type of attachment is not something unshakable.

According to Milrad, you can form a more reliable type by working with your fears and getting rid of false beliefs about relationships.

Identify your triggers

Fear of intimacy and self-sabotage may not manifest themselves until triggered by some trigger - words, actions, or even a specific place. Try to take notes and record the situations that lead you to do something that is detrimental to the relationship. Consider the situation well:

What exactly was happening?
How did you feel at that time?
What were you afraid of?
What was the likelihood that what you feared would actually happen?

Understanding your triggers makes it much easier to deal with reactions to them.

Distinguish between past and present

If in the past a person has experienced some kind of trauma or just a difficult relationship, he often reacts in new circumstances in the same way as he would in old ones. It is very important to remind yourself that you are in a different situation with another person.

If you notice that your reaction is not commensurate with the trigger event, wait before doing something. Tell yourself: “That was then, but now it’s different.” This will help you make decisions based on the present, not the past.

Learn to talk about your emotions

One of the hallmarks of relationship sabotage (and fear of intimacy) is the inability to talk about your feelings and difficulties. It seems that if you do not discuss them, you will not experience them. But expressing your emotions, fears and needs is very important, especially if you want to be understood.

Try it?

How to live with your desires, feelings and emotions

Monitor your reactions

Take a good look at yourself and your typical reactions in communicating with your partner. Are you showing responses to your partner's behavior that herald a breakup? These are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and silence (psychologist John Gottman called them "the four horsemen of the Apocalypse").

If you have noticed such reactions in yourself, answer the following questions.

How often do you show them?
What kind of behavior do you tend to do automatically?
How do you see yourself and your partner when you do this?

The answers will help you see your behavior from the outside, and you will understand what exactly needs to be changed.

Begin to see love as cooperation

Think about it, do you feel like you and your partner are members of the same team? Can you be vulnerable with each other? Do you talk about the goals of your relationship? Naturally, in the beginning, when you are just getting to know each other, this is inappropriate. But when you're already serious about it, try to think of the relationship as a piece of art that you create together in real time.

With this attitude, they will no longer seem like something that just happens to you and always ends in disappointment.

Many saboteurs say they have experienced the frustrating feeling that they constantly feel like it’s just a matter of time before breaking up. According to Raquel Peel, you feel like "looking into a crystal ball and knowing exactly what will happen next."

Looking at love as a jointly created work of art will help fight this too. Thanks to him, you stop thinking about what you will gain or lose in a relationship. And you start to think about what contribution you can make to the overall creative process.