Why are we jealous and how to stop doing it

What causes jealousy

You are not sure of yourself

Licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers writes that people with low self-esteem can feel insecure in relationships as well. They think they are not good enough to attract a partner and keep their interest over time.

You need to control everything

One partner worries about his place in the world of the second. Perhaps, even in childhood, a person experienced a disturbing experience and now thinks that he cannot be trusted, because at any moment someone else may be preferred to him.

Anastasia Popova psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist of the Leib-Medic Family Medical Center

But this is not just anxiety. This is an attempt to control the actions of the other side. Fear of someone else's freedom and rebellion against it.

You are too attached to your partner

Constant groundless jealousy can appear due to excessive attachment, when one cannot separate from the other and lives his life.

If you interfere with the life of your companion all the time, prohibit meeting friends and spending time separately, the chances of ruining the relationship are high. There is nothing wrong with a couple having common interests. But everyone should also have their hobbies.

You project your own suppressed desires onto your partner

Family psychotherapist Anastasia Popova notes that jealousy can arise from the projection of one's own state and suppressed sexual desires on another person. Without admitting to ourselves, we want to go to the left, only we attribute this to the satellite.

You have obsessive thinking

Jealousy can be the result of obsessive thinking. Psychologist Seth Meyers recalls the case of a patient who was jealous of partners in all her relationships. She also showed some signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder. When her husband came home late, he was late, she could not come to terms with ignorance of what and where he was doing. Therefore, I filled in the blanks and thought out myself. I took the facts out of my head, and then I was jealous and worried. She herself created disturbing thoughts and reasons for excitement when faced with the most terrible circumstance for this type of people: the unknown.

Also, according to the expert, jealousy can be caused by the general paranoid state of a person.

There is a real reason for jealousy

Perhaps the most logical reason: there really is a justified reason for jealousy. Maybe this is an unambiguous correspondence with another or another, not yet forgotten betrayal or irrefutable evidence of infidelity.

How to stop being jealous

Accept and study your thoughts

Robert L. Leahy, MD, professor at Yale University and former president of the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapy, the Academy of Cognitive Therapy and the International Association for Cognitive Psychotherapy, recommends that at the height of jealousy, stop, exhale, and pay attention to your thoughts.

Do they reflect what it really is? If you think your partner is interested in someone other than you, that doesn't mean that they are. You must understand that thoughts and reality are different things.

Disobeying feelings of jealousy

Anger and anxiety can increase if you begin to dwell on them. And you need to accept your emotions and allow them to be. You don't have to “get rid of feelings,” but being mindful of observing your feelings can help ease them.

Understand that uncertainty is part of any relationship

We are looking for certainty: "I need to know that she / he does not interest you" or "I want to know that we will not part and will be together." Dr. Leahy writes that some are even willing to end a relationship before, in their opinion, another does.

Uncertainty is part of life. This is something we cannot do anything with.

Robert Leahy

You can't know for sure whether your partner will leave you or not. But with your accusations and rebukes, you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Understand your conjectures

Jealousy can be fueled by unrealistic beliefs: past relationships of a loved one threaten your union, you have nothing to offer your partner, this relationship will repeat a bad experience with another or the other. Often this is nothing more than speculation that has nothing to do with reality.

Find effective ways to build relationships

“Instead of relying on jealousy, better find another way to make the union safe,” advises Robert Leahy. For example, pay attention when your partner does something good, praise each other, refrain from criticism and sarcasm, or make a list of simple and enjoyable things to do that would please each of you.

Take care of yourself

We must not forget about our development. Find a hobby, exercise, or attend a yoga class. Do not deprive yourself and your beloved of freedom and personal space.

Show gratitude instead of jealousy

To a certain extent, jealousy in a relationship is normal. But only as long as it strengthens them, and does not destroy.

It is useful to remember that besides me, the miraculous miracle, the partner in life has many other people who can take my place. And that he or she at the same time chooses and prefers me, and not someone else.

Anastasia Popova

A good alternative to jealousy is gratitude for choosing you, for being together. It is impossible to maintain a relationship with the help of jealousy, but with gratitude it can work out.

Cultivate trust

Oleg Ivanov psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Settlement of Social Conflicts

Jealousy is usually "cured" by trust. If you don't trust your partner, you should definitely talk to him about it.

He may not even guess about your experiences and not know what his behavior gives reasons for them.

Accept the situation and redefine the relationship

This applies precisely to those cases in which there are valid reasons to doubt the loyalty of a loved one.

Jealousy can be a perfectly honest and normal feeling and have real reasons. Then you need not suppress it, but honestly see the unpleasant truth.

Anastasia Popova

In this situation, it is necessary to decide what to do not with jealousy, but with the relationship in general.

The problem can be dealt with. But, if she sits deeply and is rooted in childhood, it is better to work out the issue with a specialist. Jealousy can be dangerous and even detrimental to a relationship; you shouldn't ignore it.