9 ways to subtly deceive yourself

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Amazingly, sometimes people just benefit from being unhappy. To do this, we are ready to constantly succumb to self-deception. Lifehacker talks about how skillfully we lie to ourselves and how it prevents us from achieving success.

When something unpleasant happens to us, we often start looking for answers somewhere far from the truth. Did your boyfriend dump you? Come on, go ahead and dig into yourself, maybe you're just not good enough for him or for this world in general. But maybe sometimes shit happens just because it happens?

The point is that it is often quite difficult for us to separate the wheat from the chaff. And we lie to ourselves for one simple reason: to feel better now. But we can only grow as a person if we learn to lie to ourselves less.

Our problems are not unique. And when we lie to ourselves, we lie according to similar patterns. And this is how we do it.

1. If only I could X, my life would be wonderful

Replace the X with whatever is right for you: marry someone, have sex, get a promotion, buy a new car, a new apartment, have a raccoon, whatever. After all, you yourself perfectly understand that achieving goals will not solve your problems and will not give you eternal happiness.

We constantly exist in a state of mild dissatisfaction. Biologically, this makes sense. It was the primates who were never happy with what they had and always wanted a little more who were able to survive and evolve.

It's a good strategy for evolution, but bad for making yourself happy. If you always wait for some pleasant event in the future, you will never learn to appreciate what is happening to you now.

So what do you do about it? This dissatisfaction is part of human nature, you will not get away from it. Learn to enjoy it. Enjoy the difficulty. Enjoy the very process of moving towards your goal and the changes that accompany it. Savor every moment of this pursuit of perfection. This pleasure will in no way prevent you from achieving what you want.

If life is a wheel running, then the goal is not to get somewhere, but to find a way to enjoy that running.

2. If I had more time, I would be X

Nonsense. You either want to do something and do it, or you don’t. Sometimes we like the idea of doing something, but we really don't want to do it at all.

Do you think you want to practice dancing, but you lose your passion already at the first training session? Perhaps you just do not want so much, you are just attracted by the beautiful picture that has formed in your head.

People say they want to start their own business, they want to pump up the perfect abs, they want to become professional musicians. But they don't want to. If they wanted to, they would devote time and effort to it.

Being busy is your personal choice. It's a question of what you decide to spend your time on. If you work 80 hours a week instead of fulfilling your other desires, then this is what you have chosen for yourself. But this means that you can make a different choice at any time. Or not. It all depends on you.

3. If I say or do X, people will think I'm stupid

In fact, most people don't care if you do something or not. And even if someone cares, they are much more concerned with what you think of them. You’re not really afraid that people will think you’re stupid, annoying, or flawed. You are afraid that you yourself will consider yourself so.

This is a lie that comes from self-doubt, the feeling that you are not good enough. The people around you have nothing to do with him.

4. If I say or do X, then eventually that person will change

You cannot change a person. You can only help him change himself if he wants to. Usually, when we have an unhealthy attachment to someone, we convince ourselves that we could do something that would help that person understand us better. But all this is just another self-deception.

You can offer support and advice without any strings attached. Do not expect a wonderful transformation from anyone. Love people as they are, with all their flaws, not as you would like them to be.

5. Everything is great / It couldn't be worse

In fact, everything is as you want it to be. Choose your point of view wisely.

6. Something is wrong with me since birth

We live in a complex world where hundreds of millions of people live. Hence the inevitable side effect: we constantly compare our qualities with the controversial standards prevailing in society. As we grow, we begin to notice (and others constantly remind us) that we are higher or lower, more beautiful or scarier, smarter or dumber, stronger or weaker, cooler or more flawed than some abstract ideal.

This is all part of socialization, and it has an important goal: for a comfortable coexistence, people need common values and ideas. So we were able to live side by side, without trying to stab a friend at the slightest conflict or eat the neighbors' child for breakfast.

But the price of this social stability is the idea that we are full of flaws, therefore, not worthy of someone's love. Some of us internalize this concept too well, especially when we have grudges and emotional trauma.

This obsession with our own inferiority interferes in all areas of our life. It prevents us from being happy. And worst of all, we are afraid to get rid of this idea.

Why do we consider ourselves unworthy of the love and success that other people receive, and do not give up thoughts of our unworthiness, even with all the evidence to the contrary?

The answer is simple: to some extent, it is beneficial for us to consider ourselves that way. This makes us feel special. This gives us the opportunity to try on the role of a victim or martyr. Having got rid of the idea of our inferiority, we become like everyone else.

So we cling to self-pity and wear it as a badge of honor. This is the only distinguishing feature that we can boast of.

7. I would change, but because of X I can't do it

This statement is nonsense in all cases except one: if X is desirelessness. By saying this, you find yourself another excuse. We all look for excuses, but you need to take responsibility for that search. You would change if you really wanted to. And if you don't change, then you subconsciously find some benefit in your behavior.

Yes, perhaps life is unfair, you have to face many difficulties, but do external circumstances hinder you so much? Sometimes we just use them to justify the lack of desire to act.

Yes, if there were favorable conditions, we would be the coolest, but alas. Better to be constantly angry with the system and not take any action.

What if we don't actually manage to be so cool? What if we fail? Then again we will be like everyone else. Sometimes the fear of losing our sense of self-importance, which is one of our basic psychological needs, is stronger than the desire to succeed.

8. I can't live without X

This is not true. You can. People very quickly get used to and adapt to new conditions. Fortunately, this is also part of our nature.

In modern society, we are so involved in an endless cycle of consumption that we have forgotten about one fact: from the point of view of psychology, we have everything we need. What we need to be happy, we can find within ourselves. And if we discard the purely everyday aspects, what matters is not what we do or what we have, but what meaning activities and relationships give to our lives.

Optimize your life to make more sense. It is he who is the indicator of your success.

9. I know what I'm doing

You know for sure.

Our whole life is a constant search for the right solutions by trial and error. This entire search is based on assumptions. Perhaps this is the whole point.

Try it. Make a mistake. Don't make excuses for yourself. Or at least be aware that you are looking for them. This is the first step in lying to yourself less and being happier.