How to negotiate with your inner critic

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

He criticizes, sarcifies, questions, ridicules, compares. He is omnipresent - it is impossible to hide from him. No, this is not a horror movie character - this is your inner critic. The life hacker learned from a professional psychologist how to tame this part of the personality so that it does not poison your life.

Subpersonality, which does not give the right to make mistakes

The inception of the inner critic occurs in childhood. A child, exploring the world and his possibilities, is faced with the expectations of society and the discontent of others when he does not live up to these expectations.

When raising children, adults are guided by a certain set of rules of behavior that they have adopted from their parents. And as soon as a child breaks these rules, they scold him, criticize him, show his dissatisfaction, deprive him of rewards, put him in a corner, thus demonstrating that actions outside the rules are punishable. As a result, the little person gains experience: anything that does not fall into the category of "right" is fraught with trouble.

To prevent further painful experiences from punishment for "wrong" actions, a protective intrapsychic mechanism is developed that inhibits human activity. This is criticality towards oneself, or an inner critic. Since the child absorbs everything that goes outside, his critical voice speaks in the words and intonations of significant people: parents, educators, teachers.

“Shameless, impudent idiot! You are nothing of yourself! - a young woman hears in her head the words of her father in situations when it is necessary to defend her point of view or declare her desires. These phrases have engraved in memory since childhood and float out against her will, depriving her of strength and faith in herself. These thoughts make her hands and feet cold, her throat contracts, her body stiffens, as in childhood, and she cannot do anything about it.

A person who in childhood was criticized, condemned, punished, has a lot of doubts about his abilities, skills, need, dignity. His inner critic is strong and active. He stands on guard so that a person does not get trapped, so that his actions do not turn out to be wrong again. Often this subpersonality deprives us of the ability to do anything at all.

No actions - no mistakes, which means there will be no punishment.

How the inner critic manifests itself

1. Dissatisfaction with their appearance, character, behavior: from mild annoyance to self-loathing. A striking example of this is women who lie under the knife of a plastic surgeon in order to remake their bodies.

2. Feelings of embarrassment and shame at the slightest provocation. Hence the ban on pleasures and the realization of one's own desires as a punishment for one's wrongness. You've probably met such people.

3. Comparing yourself to others is often not in your favor. The surrounding people are initially perceived better in all respects. From here comes relationships built on emotional dependence. And from here grow legs depending on the opinions of others.

4. Irritation as a background feeling, regardless of the situation. Constant dissatisfaction with oneself sooner or later develops into irritation.

5. Striving to do everything perfectly.

Perfectionism is a constant companion of the inner critic, who constantly points out what still needs to be completed, redone, and improved.

6. Demanding, rigidity and intransigence in relation to oneself and others. The inner critic is ruthless in his assessments and requirements for everything to be perfect. When this subpersonality is developed, a person becomes like his criticizing part.

7. Doubt about the correctness of your thoughts, feelings, desires. Hence the state of “I don’t know what I want” arises, helplessness and infantilism.

8. Blurring personal boundaries from within. The inner critic devalues the person himself and idealizes the opinions of significant people.

9. Harsh self-criticism suppresses naturalness, spontaneity, emotionality, sexuality, creative manifestations, contributes to the development of apathy and depressive states.

An exercise to help you deal with your inner critic

Methodology

An active inner critic can ruin your life. As long as you evaluate your actions with this subpersonality, you continue to look at yourself through the eyes of significant adults from childhood. One of the ways to get out of the influence of the inner critic is to learn to evaluate your actions yourself, based on your current capabilities and lifestyle.

I offer you one exercise to help you do this. It reduces the activity of the inner critic and helps to raise self-esteem. Do it at the end of the day.

Start a separate notebook. Divide a piece of paper in half with a vertical line. On the left, write down in a column all the claims that you have to yourself for today. Put your notebook aside. Have some tea, mind your own business, or take a walk. And after 15-30 minutes, write in front of each negative statement what advantages you received as a result of this situation.

Situation	pros
I was late for an important meeting	I slept well
Didn't have time to do the planned things	Met with old friends

Important points

1. Write down claims not for your whole life, but only for today: what you did not do in a day, did not complete, did wrong. Start to deal with your critic little by little, otherwise you will not be able to cope with the number of complaints about yourself.

2. You need to write until you feel that you have nothing more to say. Let your critical voice speak, perhaps you will learn useful things for yourself.

3. The peculiarity of the inner critic is a generalization, which manifests itself in such phrases as "Everything is bad", "Nothing worked out", "As always", "Complete fool", "Terrible cretin". Therefore, if you want to write something like that in the left column, specify what your mistake was, what you were bad at. With such a detailed description, the emotional charge is reduced. There is an opportunity to see what you got.

Generalization	Clarification	pros
As always, I failed everything	During telephone conversations before the meeting, I did not indicate the conditions that would suit me	As a result, I received offers that were unexpected and promising for me.

4. If you have nothing to object to the claim of an internal critic, then agree with him. After all, he is often right. But add something to compensate for your mistake.

Claim	Note
Watched a movie instead of writing an article	Yes, I did, but I was able to stop and get to work.

This exercise gives a positive result after two weeks of daily practice. Instead of endless internal reproaches, you can notice your successes and rejoice at them. And if something does not work out for you, then you should seek help from a psychologist.