Why are we afraid of being alone

"Do not have a hundred rubles, but have a hundred friends" - this hackneyed and banal saying is the best way to explain a person's attitude to loneliness. What is the reason for this? If you go to the very beginning, then the fear of loneliness is associated with evolution. When our ancestors first realized that water can quench their thirst, they began to drink water. When they realized that animal meat satisfies hunger better than roots and berries, they began to eat animals. The same thing happened with the fear of loneliness. When primitive people realized that the chance of surviving in a group is much higher than alone, our distant grandparents began to stray into groups. Just because it's safer that way.

Now the situation is different. You can live alone your whole life. Of course, conditionally. You still have to communicate with people, contact the service personnel in stores, and so on. So loneliness has finally become an acceptable way of life? Unfortunately no.

In their wonderful book "" American psychologists John Casioppo and William Patrick proved that our predisposition to loneliness is determined by genes. That is, the makings of a lonely or sociable person are already laid down at birth. Of course, parents, life situations and people around us also influence our love or dislike for communication. And there are many people out there who, by keeping their interactions to a minimum, feel great. If you feel the same way, great. However, if loneliness gives you more problems than joy, it's time to change something.

As an example, I remembered a story. In university days, returning to the dorm from another city, I realized that I had forgotten the keys to the room. I could not return the keys: the commandant was not there, as it was a day off, and the neighbor was supposed to arrive only six hours later, in the evening. It was impossible to get into the room. What would you do in such a situation?

If you went to the next dorm room with friends or to any of the 50 rooms just to chat and sit out for the next six hours, then congratulations - you can hardly be called a lonely person. I went to the subway and traveled in the car from the final to the final five hours in a row, simply because I did not want to strain someone with my presence. After all, I will not come to the neighbors of my own free will, but out of despair, so I considered such an act hypocritical and decided to while away the next five hours in the company of grandmothers, beggars and a wheezing voice announcing stations.

This is what people have to face who do not like to make new acquaintances and prefer to spend the evening with a book or a computer, rather than with a company. Over the years, my attitude towards meeting new people and communicating changed, but that incident still reminds me that loneliness is not always cool.

I don’t want to make excuses for people who don’t have the courage to come up and start talking to a stranger. Rather, I'm trying to show that there are those for whom loneliness equates to comfort, and those for whom loneliness is the cause of depression and boredom. They will be discussed below.

How to change everything

Let's make a reservation right away. If you are comfortable with loneliness and you do not feel depressed or depressed about it, then why change something? Live, enjoy life and enjoy what interests you with yourself. This is a very rare and valuable gift. If your loneliness is caused fear communication, then you definitely need to change.

First, let's talk about kindness and help. Have you ever felt good about helping someone? I'm sure you felt. It doesn't matter if you showed the way to a stranger or found and returned a lost wallet. In the book "Loneliness" this phenomenon is called helper's high. Unfortunately, I could not find a similar term in Russian. Helper's high is a term that describes the pleasant feeling we feel after helping someone.

If you want to get rid of loneliness, here is the first step. Start helping people around you as much as possible. Firstly, you will do good deeds, and secondly, you will socialize, you will begin to communicate more with people, which will allow you to move on to the next and more difficult stage.

Knight's move

As corny as it sounds, you have to practice communication. It is unlikely that you will be able to immediately approach a beautiful girl and speak, so you need to start with less. Ideally, you start with a situation where you have nothing to lose. For example, try talking to a stranger on the street. Will not work? Who cares, you will never see him again. Where to start a conversation? Lifehacker has many articles on this topic. For example, this one is about ways to improve your speaking skills.

The more you practice communication, the faster the shyness and stiffness that interfered with communication with other people will go away. If you are faced with aggression or misunderstanding, and you probably will, then do not take everything to heart. There can be dozens of reasons why a person is aggressive or negative towards you, and many of them do not concern you in any way. A bad day, a lot of work, relationship problems are just the most popular ones.

Loneliness is bad only if it causes discomfort. If so, then following the tips above should help you. If you like to be alone and enjoy your company, you shouldn't change anything. The need for communication is different for everyone, and you probably know better than others how to find comfort and what is best for you.

Are you sad and lonely? Call on the phone So it's time to change something.