3 essential skills for building healthy relationships

Psychologist Joan Davila of Stony Brook University in New York is working with colleagues to study romantic competence. It is the ability to act effectively at all stages of the relationship: understand your needs, choose the right partner, build strong bonds and stop unhealthy interactions. After analyzing the research, Davila identified three key skills in romantic competence.

1. Analysis

Analysis of the situation allows us to realize what is happening to us, and to learn some lesson for ourselves. With its help, we better understand ourselves, our needs and desires, the reasons for our actions.

Let's say you have been constantly annoyed with your partner lately. If you analyze the situation, you can notice that it's not about his behavior, it's just that you have serious stress at work. This means that now you do not need to quarrel, but find a way to relax so that the work stress does not flow into your personal life.

Develop this skill in order to anticipate the positive and negative consequences of your actions, understand your partner and adequately respond to his actions. For example, you made an appointment and he is late. Before taking this as a personal insult, think about the reasons. Maybe this person is constantly unable to calculate the time or is delayed at work to finish everything to the end. Analysis skill will protect you from unnecessary worries.

2. Ability to talk about needs

It must be remembered that both of you have needs and that they are all important. Learn to speak clearly about your own and listen to others. Then there will be more chances that both of you will be satisfied. Let's say you need to meet with relatives with whom you have a strained relationship, and you want your partner to go with you. Do not expect that a loved one will guess, say directly: “It will be a lot of stress for me. It would help me a lot if you were there. Can you come with me?"

In addition, this skill helps to make joint decisions. For example, one of you received a good offer for a raise, but realizes that you will have to work more and spend less time with your family, and the latter is very important for both of you. In this case, it is important to say about it, for example: “I would really like to accept this offer, but I understand that it will change our life together. We'll spend less time together. If I promise to devote some of my time to you regularly, will you support my choice?"

Remember, when you value each other's needs and are not shy about talking about them, there will be less quarrels and misunderstandings.

3. Regulation of emotions

This skill helps you stay calm in stressful situations and soberly assess the state of affairs. For example, you are waiting for a reply from your partner to your message. Time passes, and he is silent. You start to get nervous, angry, check your phone every minute. But if you have learned to regulate your emotions, you will say to yourself: “Calm down, they will answer you. There is no point in looking at your phone every five seconds. I'll put it aside and do other things."

Dealing with emotions is generally beneficial in any relationship. It helps to relieve unpleasant feelings while maintaining self-esteem.

Romantic competence seems like hard work, but the benefits are enormous. According to Devila, more romantically competent men and women feel more confident in relationships. They make better choices, can support their partner, and are more willing to ask for what they need.