What is healthy female selfishness and how to come to it

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

If you decide to make changes in your own life, do not let anyone interfere with you. Transformational coach and trainer Anna Sukhomlin in a guest article tells how to turn on healthy egoism in time and not look back at someone else's opinion.

I think you have observed such a paradox more than once: as soon as you decide to change your life and do something important for your beloved (for example, go to the North to the seals), literally everyone around them considers it their duty to take an active part in this. And if until that time you naively believed that no one cares about you, suddenly a miracle happens! It turns out that you greatly underestimated yourself.

It seems that some invisible alarm is turned on, a red lamp comes on and sirens start howling. Your close circle is urgently mobilized and organizes vigilant round-the-clock surveillance. And even just acquaintances and friends consider it their duty to express their own opinion and be sure to give advice.

What is the reason for such a sudden and heightened interest? Banal selfishness. It turns on for you, because egoism is a function of the human psyche. And since this function also works great for the people around you, they figure out how the changes in your life will affect them, and just in case they try to prevent this.

Trap one. Catch and neutralize

The most effective methods are resistance and suppression. Of course, there is still a constructive objection, but this option almost never occurs in nature, otherwise there would be no need to write this article.

So, here's what typical resistance and suppression scenarios look like:

• The desire to dissuade: "Do you need it?"
• Trying to shift focus: "You'd better do this instead …"
• Arguments and facts: "Before 30 is early", "After 40 is late", "A woman should not."
• Public opinion: "What will people say?"
• Manipulation: "You will bring me to a heart attack!"
• Pressure by authority: "I think this is complete nonsense."
• Pressure on pity: "What about me?"
• Intimidation: "Just try, here I am then …"
• An attempt to induce a feeling of guilt: "Now because of you …"
• The desire to sow doubts: "Where did you get the idea that you will succeed?"
• Ridicule: "To me, too, the ballerina was found …"
• Well, or just a good old hysteria with a scandal.

Thus, the other is trying to tell you: "I object because it hurts my comfort zone." But I am ashamed to admit this, and first of all to myself. How is it - to take and agree that you are an egoist! So all this self-deception is served under the sauce of caring for one's neighbor.

But all of these typical scenarios would not have an impact on you if not for the second trap.

The second trap. Others' expectations

When your healthy selfishness wakes up, you feel energized and dizzy with opportunities and prospects. Your mind's eye draws rainbow pictures of an ideal life, where you swim with seals and everything is arranged the way you want it.

This is where the second trap comes in - other people's expectations, stereotypes and social patterns that have been nurtured by generations and have been diligently invested in our heads since childhood.

A woman must, a woman must … A woman, first of all, a mother, wife, daughter (underline as appropriate). And further in the same spirit. And even if you are not yet a wife or a mother, you must first become one. And if you are already a wife and a mother, then you cannot think of anything else at all.

And inside a beautiful woman's head, the battle of her own healthy egoism with conventional software begins. If programs win, at best the woman chooses safe changes, that is, goals that give a sense of change and at the same time are quite consistent with the template. To get an education. Marry. Cook. Give birth. Repair. Dacha. Get divorced. Get married again.

In the worst case, a woman begins to suppress her natural selfishness, adjusting herself to other people's expectations. Do not disappoint the parents, meet the expectations of the man, so that the girlfriends are envious. And this is how unhealthy selfish women are formed. Women who quit their careers “for the sake of family and children” do not marry “for the sake of their parents” and further down the list.

Sometimes a woman, in an attempt to break out of the program, acts contrary not only to expectations, but also to common sense. Then scenarios “to spite the enemies” are used, which turns into deeply sad consequences: alcoholism, betrayal, fights.

In all versions of this trap, a woman blames everyone and everything for her problems, mistakes and failures and feels deceived. After all, she was promised: if she does everything right, she will be happy.

In general, whatever one may say, it is better if healthy egoism wins. In any case, you can always, by your own decision, leave the seals and come back.

By the way, it is very easy to understand that you have not yet had such situations and you are completely satisfied with your life: you have not read the article to this point.

Trap three. And whose goals?

And if you have read it, then I have good news. The fact that you want to listen to the voice of your healthy heart egoism is a sign of mental maturation.

But it is this growing up that is the most difficult and tricky third trap. Is this your goal? Have you really chosen your path of change, and not succumbed to the desire to prove something to someone?

Very often the voice of social programs, parents and internal critics drowns out our true aspirations, and if your goal contains the postscript “And how will everyone go nuts that I quit my career and went to the seals”, then, unfortunately, this is not a goal. This is a common compensation scenario that is often substituted for meanings. To become famous to prove it to everyone. Become successful so that everyone is jealous.

Seizing on a false goal, you risk spending a lot of time and effort and end up not with a result, but with complete disappointment. After all, if those who should go nuts from your act suddenly lose all interest in you (and this is how it happens), then you will no longer need to strain.

How to get around the traps

To make your journey along the path of change comfortable and safe, there are three important rules to know.

1. Grow up for real

Real growing up is, first of all, taking responsibility for your own life. And here is a list of areas of your life for which only you are responsible, if you want to consider yourself an adult woman who has the right to make independent decisions:

• Appearance, manner of self-expression.
• Health, nutrition, physical activity.
• Personal belongings, personal space, personal time, personal finances.
• Knowledge, study, education.
• Interests, hobbies, hobbies.
• Choice of profession, place of work.
• Life goals, mission, purpose.
• Communication with interesting people for you, like-minded people.
• Rest, peace, solitude.

As you can see, the list is quite impressive, but it can be supplemented further. It is in these areas that you can not agree on anything with anyone. Actually, your close and not very close people have the right not to agree with you on the same points. Impressive, isn't it?

But what goes beyond the listed areas of life may require coordination, since there we enter into the field of interactions with others.

2. Don't shake the air

If you seriously intend to act, then act, and at first silently.

Make sure that these are your goals, and not actions against someone, in spite of.

If the goal is not yours, you will be very annoyed and outraged by the resistance of the environment. An unproductive waste of emotions and screaming "You won't let me live" is a litmus test for the falsity of goals.

The true goal is something that you cannot help but do and at the same time do not worry too much about what others will think about it. It's not that you don't care at all, it's just that the internal significance of this goal is much higher than the external assessment. Therefore, fluctuations in the environment will not particularly affect you.

When you research the topic and gain the concrete confidence that you really need it (the North has ideal weather conditions for your skin, and you are not allergic to seals), then voice your intentions, and preferably gradually and as if by the way asking questions. This will create a field for constructive dialogue.

And if you just want to attract attention to yourself, intimidate your family and friends with colorful descriptions of the planned changes, coupled with dramatic pauses: "Oh, so, I'll leave you to the North to the seals!" Behind the desire to make some provocative statement is often a banal lack of attention. Think about it.

3. Respect loved ones

Unless you live in a desert or space and are not an orphan, treat your loved ones with respect, no matter how selfish they are. Especially if your goals affect more than just you. So, it would be great to find out in advance how your husband treats seals and if your children are ready to eat fish all year round.

Respect their right to make their own choices and be prepared to make adjustments to your plans. Do not involve them in your personal changes, do not impose your goals on them, and do not expect everyone to rush to pack their bags to the North with delight.

And don't try to fight stereotypes. Fighting the system is a losing business, since it requires inadequate energy consumption.

In general, starting an exciting journey along the road of change to healthy egoism, do not forget to buckle up and take a firm grip on the steering wheel of your life, so that if you accidentally collide with other people's expectations and social stereotypes, you do not fly to the sidelines, but make an elegant U-turn and rush off, winking at your hopes. your bright future.