"Toy" selfishness, or Why you shouldn't help your child get what they want

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

Are you helping your child get the coveted toy in the sandbox? I am sure that yes. This is a healthy intention of every parent. But let's look at the situation from the other side. What lesson do we teach a child in helping to easily get what he wants, and what consequences in adult life does this lead?

In the children's club, where my son goes, there is a rule: if a child takes a toy, then he plays with it as much as he wants. If another child wants the same toy, he must wait until the first one plays enough.

All children know this rule, and new ones get used to it within a few weeks. When a conflict of interest arises, the children are simply told: "Kirill, you can take this car when Kolya plays enough with it."

Previously, I did not pay attention to this rule and did not think about its meaning. But only until I began to notice a completely different attitude towards the exchange of toys in other places that my son visits.

Two questionable toy swapping stories

Here are two stories about the toy section that my child recently participated in.

Together with my three-year-old son, we went for a walk to the playground. He took a bucket and a shovel from the house (he likes to dig). Another child, a little older, also wanted to dig and asked for a spatula. My son didn’t allow it. It took a little time, he again came up and asked again. Was refused again. A typical childish scuffle ensued.

Then the mother of the child ran up with the words:

Son, you see that the boy is mischievous. Why are you playing with him? His parents didn't teach him how to share. We will buy you our bucket.

That is, it didn’t matter that the bucket and shovel belonged to my son and that the answer “no” was perfectly justified and appropriate. He still remained guilty.

The second story took place in a local playroom, where we often visit with a child. It is clear that there are many toys, but among them there is a small stand imitating a kitchen, where there is only room for one person. My child likes this stand, and he can spend all the time at it while we are in the room.

Many mothers shadow their babies. I am a father, and I find it advisable to just sit and observe the situation, pushing my child to resolve pressing issues on his own (I only intervene in extreme conflict situations). And I noticed that one mother came up to my son with the words: "You have been playing with this kitchen for a long time, give way to other children." The child naturally ignored her request. She repeated her words several more times and, without waiting for the desired reaction, gave up.

I want you to understand that in this playroom there are many different toys that you can use to keep your child busy. There is even another corner with kitchen utensils, just a slightly different shape.

What lesson do we teach children in helping them get what they want easily?

I disagree with the mothers' approach in both situations described. Of course, this is my personal opinion and it may differ from yours. But it seems to me that this behavior of the parents will do a disservice to the child in the future. After all, it teaches the kid that he can easily get everything that other people have, just because he so wanted.

Of course, I understand the desire of a parent to give his child everything he wants (he himself is). But such situations are a good opportunity to make the little person understand that it is not always easy to give what you want so badly, and that you should not step over other people just to get their things.

This behavior of parents is contrary to what happens in real life. After all, from childhood we teach a child to think that everything that he sees around him belongs to him.

Recently I read an interesting article on this subject (unfortunately, I do not remember on which resource), which noted the tendency of today's young people aged 20-25 years to believe that they deserve a salary increase and promotion just because they come to work.

If you doubt my reasoning, think back to a typical day in your adult life. You don't skip the line at the store, just because you don't like waiting. Or you don’t take another person’s phone, glasses and car just because you wanted to use them.

It's hard, like everything in parenting, but let's teach your children not only the easy life, but also how to deal with disappointment and rejection. Because they will inevitably face these things in adulthood. And at this moment we will not necessarily be there to rectify the situation, using our authority as an adult.

Let's teach children that they are capable and can get everything they want in this life, but for this you need to show patience and diligence.