Why obsession with the positive prevents us from living

2024 Author: Malcolm Clapton | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 03:44

An excerpt from the book “The end of the era of self-help. How to Stop Improving Yourself”by Danish psychologist Sven Brinkman on the dangers of positive thinking and an alternative path to a happy life.

Today we hear from everywhere that we need to "think positively", and some psychologists even argue that it is necessary to have "positive illusions" about yourself and your life. This means that in order to achieve anything, you have to think a little better of yourself than there is reason for it.

Instead of focusing on the positive goals you want to achieve, you will learn [from this passage - Approx. Ed.], how to think more about the negative aspects of life.

Of course, the meaning of life is not to complain about everything, but if we do not have the right to do so, it is annoying.

This approach has many advantages:

• First, you get the right to think and say whatever you want. After all, in fact, many people are very fond of grumbling. There are various reasons for this: gasoline has risen in price again, the weather is bad, the whiskey has begun to turn gray.
• Secondly, focusing on the negative provides an opportunity to solve the problem. True, nothing can be done about the weather, but if you cannot point out shortcomings at work, and concentrate only on successes, then this will quickly lead to dissatisfaction and disappointment.
• Third, by realizing all the bad things that can happen to you - and will inevitably happen - you will experience a sense of gratitude for what you have, and you will enjoy your life more. […]

The tyranny of the positive

Barbara Held, an eminent American professor of psychology, has long criticized what she calls the "tyranny of the positive." […] There is an opinion that one should “think positively”, “focus on internal resources” and consider problems as interesting “challenges”.

Even seriously ill people are expected to “learn from their illness” and ideally become stronger.

In countless books on self-development and “stories of suffering”, people with physical and mental disabilities say that they would not want to avoid a crisis, because they learned a lot from it. I think a lot of those who are seriously ill or are going through another life crisis feel the pressure to be positive about the situation.

But very few say out loud that actually being sick is terrible and it would be better if this never happened to them. Usually the title of such books looks like this: "How I Survived Stress and What I Learned," and you are unlikely to find the book "How I Was Stressed And Nothing Good Came Out Of It."

We not only experience stress, get sick and die, but we also have to think that all this teaches and enriches us a lot.

If, like me, it seems to you that something is clearly wrong here, then you should learn to pay more attention to the negative and thus fight the tyranny of the positive. This will give you one more support to stand firmly on your feet.

We must regain our right to think that sometimes things are just bad, period.

Fortunately, many psychologists have come to realize this, such as the critical psychologist Bruce Levin. In his opinion, the first way that health professionals exacerbate people's problems is by advising victims to change their attitude towards the situation. "Just look at it positively!" is one of the worst phrases you can say to someone in need. […]

Complaints as an alternative

Barbara Held offers an alternative to forced positivity - complaints. She even wrote a book on how to learn to grumble. […] The main idea of Held's book is that in life everything is never absolutely good. Sometimes it just isn't that bad. This means that there will always be reasons for complaints.

Real estate prices are falling - you can complain about the depreciation of capital. If real estate prices are rising, you can complain about how everyone around you superficially discusses growing capital. Life is hard, but according to Held, that in itself is not a problem. The problem is that we are made to think that life is not difficult. When asked how you are doing, we are expected to say, "Everything is fine!" Although in reality everything is very bad, because your husband cheated on you.

Learning to focus on the negative - and complain about it - can develop a mechanism within yourself that helps make life more bearable.

However, grumbling is not only a way to deal with difficult situations. The freedom to complain is tied to the ability to face reality and accept it for what it is. This gives us human dignity, in contrast to the behavior of the eternally positive person, who vehemently insists that there is no bad weather (only bad clothes). It happens, it happens, Mr. Lucky. And how nice it is to complain about the weather while sitting at home with a mug of hot tea!

We need to regain our right to grumble, even if it doesn't lead to positive change. But if it can lead to them, then it is all the more important. And notice that grumbling is always outward. We complain about the weather, the politicians, the football team. We are not to blame, but they are!

The freedom to complain is tied to the ability to face reality and accept it for what it is.

A positive approach, on the contrary, is directed inward - if something is wrong, you need to work on yourself and your motivation. We are to blame for everything. Unemployed people should not complain about the welfare system - otherwise they can be considered lazy - after all, you can simply pull yourself together, start thinking positively and find a job.

You just have to "believe in yourself" - but this is a one-sided approach that reduces the most important social, political and economic problems to the question of the motivation and positivity of the individual.

Taking life

My grandmother, now ninety-six, often advises people to "make peace." In difficult times, she believes, one should not strive to “overcome difficulties”. This is overkill. To overcome is to cope with the problem and eliminate it completely. But there is a lot in life that cannot be simply taken and eliminated.

People are vulnerable and fragile creatures, they get sick and die. It is impossible to "overcome". But you can come to terms with that. Problems will remain, but life will be easier. This also allows you to find support.

If something cannot be changed, you can rely on it.

As my grandmother says, it is better to face reality than to live in a fool's paradise. Better to be dissatisfied with Socrates than contented with a pig, as the English utilitarian John Stuart Mill put it in the 19th century. Not everything is possible, and not everything in life is for the best. But in life there is something that you can strive for, such as dignity and a sense of reality.

The point is to learn to see bad things unvarnished. Something may be fixed, but a lot cannot be changed. Accept this.

However, we need the right to criticize and complain. If you always close your eyes to negativity, the greater the shock when something bad does happen. By thinking negatively, we arm ourselves to deal with future troubles. In addition, through complaints, we realize that there is something good in life. Toe hurts - yes, but it's good that not the whole leg!